Praise You In This Storm

Because Many Have Asked...

2012-02-06T21:00:00.000-06:00

Well, I was going to avoid this topic completely and just move right on with life however, I feel like I need to address it because MANY people have asked, "What do you think about the Komen thing?" I want to groan, roll my eyes, and say that I don't think about it because it requires a lot of energy that is better spent elsewhere, but seeing as how this directly affects me and many friends who have breast cancer, I will tell you my thoughts on it. This is simply my personal opinion which we all have so if you want to leave a comment, please do. But, if you disagree with me please be respectful when you share your view.

So, when I first heard that Komen had stopped giving grants to Planned Parenthood (PP), my initial thought was, "I had no idea they even gave to that charity to begin with!" I was irritated and appalled that the thousands of dollars I have raised for them was going to an organization that I don't support at all. I wondered if those dollars would not have been better spent funding more research or going towards legislation making it mandatory that women with dense breasts be notified and given an ultrasound. I have a few friends who have had 100% normal mammograms yet their ultrasounds are what found the cancer. Luckily, these women had great doctors who were smart enough to go ahead and order the extra test, but MANY women are not so fortunate. My friend, Kate, who passed away from breast cancer in 2010 had a "normal" mammogram yet two months later found out that she had stage 3 breast cancer at age 33. I wonder if a simple, noninvasive ultrasound would have made a difference for her? Could it have been the difference in life or death?

And then, after some of my own investigation/research, I discovered that Planned Parenthood also provides medical care to underserved women...that only about 10% of their "business" is abortions. Ten percent is still too much but originally I thought that abortions were the only thing PP did. So then I became more okay with the fact that some money was being given to them. I mean really, a life is a life whether it is a baby or a woman who has made some poor choices, or an elderly woman who can't afford a mammogram. I never got all in a fit about Komen's choice though as they can do what they see fit. I do wish that people who don't even give to Komen would have piped down about it because I can guarantee that the majority of the people who were ~~bitching~~ complaining about it were only doing so because of the abortion aspect of it and NOT that women were not going to be getting mammograms.

And then, Komen reversed their decision which infuriated me. They caved to social pressure. If they really really believed in what they were doing then they should not have given in. I feel like they were bullied and I was mad about it. I mean come on, the local ABC program here depends on grants from the Komen Foundation to fund it and the program was shut down for years because of a lack of funding. Why shouldn't this get the attention that PP did? This program walks through cancer with women and provides lymphedema therapy, teaching, range of motion exercises for post-surgical patients, nutrition consults, etc... If I hadn't had the ABC program when I did (it was funded the year I was diagnosed) then I would have been in a horrible spot with lymphedema. HORRIBLE!!!

Well, all of that just to say that truly, I don't care anymore. I don't. It is what it is and I have really come to a peace about what I said earlier. A life is a life...unborn or elderly...and they are all to be protected and cared for. Komen, I support you. Planned Parenthood, I am GLAD that you are not just an abortion clinic but a clinic that also helps under-priveleged women with their breast exams and mammograms.
And now, I'm done. Whew!

...PART TWO...

2012-01-27T20:33:00.000-06:00

So, after seeing the surgeon yesterday, we headed on over to our next stop of the day: Vanderbilt. Yep, it was chemo day. So, I took my pre-medicine, put on my numbing cream (so I don't feel the needle stab me in the chest when they access my portacath), and was ready to go.
After I checked in, we sat down and David says to me, "look, there's Mayor McMillan." OK, that's cool. Whatever. Didn't think much else of it and the next thing I know the nurse is calling my name and on the way back to my room, David stops and introduces himself to our mayor and tells her that he owns the Chick-fil-A on Madison Street etc etc... She gets all excited about that and recognizes him. Blah blah. We exchanged pleasantries, wished each other luck at our treatments and I went with the nurse. ****please hear this: our Mayor does NOT have cancer...she was there for something else. I certainly don't want rumors started****
After the standard vital signs, weight check, and room placement, my chemo nurse comes in and we start talking about the treatment. She has never been my nurse before so she was just verifying that the drug had to be run over 90 minutes. I told her that 90 minutes was correct and that Dr. Mayer had ordered it to be given over 90 minutes. She proceeds to tell me that she will do that and starts my pre-meds (Benadryl, Tylenol and Emend) and saline. So far so good. She comes back in about 45 minutes later and hangs the chemo. Puts in the rate and leaves. Twenty minutes pass and I get SO nauseated. Like really really sick feeling. This is odd because I took my Marinol before treatment and that usually works. Then the feeling like I need to race to the bathroom starts. UGH!!! So noticing that it has been 2 hours since I took the marinol, I take another one and sit quietly praying the nausea will go away. It doesn't and David goes on a hunt for the nurse. She comes in, I tell her I am sick and I am having chills. What does she do? She SLOWS the rate on the chemo...SHE WAS RUNNING IT TOO FAST!!!! I had no idea she had set the rate wrong. But to make it worse, she admitted to trying to run it a bit faster than the doctor had ordered. GRRR! So then I need a shot of Phenergan which she shoves into my IV line which immediately send my heart into PVC mode and tachycardia. I tell her she needs to listen to my heart...what does she do? She feels my radial pulse...and says that she can't tell anything is odd about my heartbeat. GRRRR!!!! I am furious at this point, but the Phenergan, Benadryl, and Marinol working together about knock me unconscious and the last thing I remember telling her is not to worry about it because it was getting better but that Phenergan being pushed too fast will do that. I don't think she knew I was a nurse until that point.
Now I have to decide what to do. Do I tell my doctor about this incident? Do I just let it go and from here on out double check all rates? For sure I will tell all of my nurses from now that I have had 2 infusion reactions when the med is given too fast.
So today, I am left feeling groggy, still having restless leg a little bit from the IV Phenergan, depressed and angry. Angry at the nurse, angry that I have to be doing treatment again, and angry that I will be on cancer drugs until August of 2014. But on the other hand, I am grateful. Grateful that my nurse didn't KILL me (haha), grateful that there are treatments available to me, and grateful that I am still cancer free. I feel bi-polar when I list those reasons out. Whew!
Mostly though, I am feeling ELATED that I don't have to go back for FOUR weeks instead of 3. that's right, I moved my next treatment back a whole week so that I can enjoy our trip to Florida. Woo-Hoo!!

my view from the chemo chair (taken before my episode occured)

Biopsy Update and Plan...Kind Of (PART ONE)

2012-01-27T20:08:00.001-06:00

So yesterday started out fantabulous (that's a combo of fantastic and fabulous). Dropped my kids off at the neighbor's house with their school lunches and bags, gave them kisses and peaced on out to Nashville. First stop: Dr Thomas' office at St Thomas Hospital. He is the endocrine surgeon who ordered the biopsy of my thyroid. Results were in : BENIGN!!! Woo-hoo! So then came the question of what do we do? The mass on the left thyroid lobe is the same size as the thyroid...BIG! And over the past 3-4 months it has begun causing difficulty swallowing at times and a sharp pain in my left ear. Also, since finding it at the end of 2009, it has grown quite a bit. And growing masses are not good. We have 2 options. First...leave it alone and re-evaluate every 6 months via ultrasound. The second option... take out the left thyroid mass and thyroid lobe and be done. Totally done with it and never worry about it again. Yes, that would mean being on a thyroid medication, but, I am already on one anyways...we would just have to adjust the dose.
So, the doc went over the risks which are the same as with any surgery...bleeding, infection, death (they always have to throw that one in there), and vocal cord paralysis on the left side which would leave my voice as a whisper. David thinks that is AWESOME and considers it more of a benefit than a risk. Whatever! The benefits: getting the mass out, no chance of it becoming cancerous, and again, I would be done with it! No more ultrasounds or biopsies. No more ear pain or trouble swallowing.
So, I left it with the surgeon by telling him that we are going to pray through the decision and I will let him know as soon as I know what I want to do.

Happy Cancer-versary To Me

2012-01-23T13:36:00.001-06:00

Haha! Yes, it's probably weird that I am telling myself Happy Cancer-versary, but when you have walked my path for three years and are able to still smile and praise God for His blessings it becomes a very happy day.
Three years ago today I was driving to Target with my mother-in-law in the front seat and my 4 month old and 2 year old in the back seat when my cell phone rang. Thirty seconds later, my world was changed. It literally took 30 seconds... "Mrs. Blevins, your biopsy report is back and you have cancer. I need you and your husband to come into the office now so we can talk about what the plan of care will be." And that was the catalyst that began my journey.
From that point on, my focus became not just surviving, but LIVING! Living each day as if it were my last. I enjoyed things that I never had noticed before or had been to busy to notice. I let the house go a bit, I let the kids' schedules go a little, and took the time to cuddle and snuggle with them more. I saw my husband in a different light. He has always been kind and loving...very supportive and hard working. But seeing him vulnerable in this situation brought a new perspective of him to me, and I appreciated it and him even more.
I won't lie and say it was all roses and candy because there were many many tears shed, fears faced, pain felt, and heartache experienced. But what I will say is that through each and every single emotion God was my ever present help. He was, and continues to be, my rock and my fortress. I have grown immensely in my relationship with Him and I would not be who I am today if I hadn't had cancer. I was asked recently if I had had a choice, would I choose this path for my life. Hmmm.... I honestly would have to say yes, as long as it would bring honor and glory to God.
So, where are we now in the process? And I say "we" because cancer not only affects the patient, but also my family. I am 1/3 of the way through with my Herceptin treatment. I take it every 3 weeks for a total of a year. The last treatment will be in September. At that point, I will have my portacath (permanent IV in my chest) removed...again. Next month, February 23rd to be exact, I will be considered a 3 year survivor. Your "date" is the date that the surgery was that got all of the cancer and for me, that was 2/23. And then, I am going to go ahead and look forward to February 23, 2014 when I will be considered CURED. At that point, I am going to New Jersey because the Cake Boss told me he was going to make me a pink ribbon cake for that special "cancer-versary." I met him 2 years ago on my 1 year survivor date and was able to talk to him for a bit. He has a heart for cancer patients as his dad passed away from cancer years ago.
In the meantime though, I will live each day doing my best to honor God and thank Him for His healing and His perfect plan for my life.

Finally...A Video of David's Trip to Ethiopia

2012-01-22T00:06:00.000-06:00

Here is a video of David's trip to Ethiopia with Ordinary Hero. It's 10 minutes long and worth every single minute. WOW! I have to get there. It's no longer an option...it's a MUST.

Now, go grab something to drink, put your feet up, grab a tissue, turn up the volume, and be prepared for your heart to be touched in ways unimagined.

Biopsy Schmi-opsy

2012-01-17T22:21:00.000-06:00

Again. Here we go again. I have a thyroid mass. I have had it since finishing radiation to my left chest wall and it was found during a routine MRI in December of 2009. After lots of labs and nuclear medicine testing, it was deemed necessary to have a biopsy done...so that is what we did. Everything came back normal - the mass was/is partially solid and partially fluid and it was found to be benign. I have followed up with an Endocrinologist every 6 months since that biopsy to check for growth etc...
So, it finally happened. My little mass (actually it's pretty big) has began growing meaning I needed another biopsy as normal things don't grow generally speaking. So, a month ago I went to a new female surgeon here in Clarksville to have it biopsied. I liked her well enough. She spent tons of time with me and explained everything very well. That's about where it ended though. When she performed the biopsy, she did not get me numb meaning I felt the needle go deep into my neck and into the thyroid multiple times. That was pretty traumatic, but I overlooked it and moved on. Then, a few days later the phone call came. "Kelly, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there are no cancer cells. The bad news is that there are no cells at all. I missed the mass. Come back in for a re-biopsy." I agreed but then cancelled later as I just didn't think I wanted to go back to her. How in the heck could she miss this ginormous knot on my neck? Really, the mass is the same size as the actual thyroid lobe rendering it near impossible to miss.
So, after talking about it with my husband and deciding that I really should have it biopsied, I found an AMAZING surgeon in Nashville who ordered another biopsy. Had it done today and it went extremely smooth. No pain other than the lidocaine going in and just some soreness since then. My neck has swollen on that side like it did back in 2009 after the biopsy, but they told me as long as I could still swallow and breathe without difficulty that it was okay and to just put ice on it. So, that's what I am doing.
I go back next Thursday morning to meet with the surgeon to get the results and discuss options. Briefly, if it is cancer (which I highly doubt), I will have the whole thyroid removed and start treatments. If it is not cancer, then we will discuss the risks vs benefits to having the mass removed. And then after that appointment, I go to have the chemo treatment at Vanderbilt. What an awesome, fun-filled day, huh? Actually, I don't mind it because I get to spend the whole day with my husband and get Panda Express on the way home. HA!

Question About Faith Last Night

2012-01-15T14:10:00.000-06:00

As I was flipping through the TV channels last night I came across the Miss America 2012 pageant and that is where I landed. I LOVE watching these pageants! Not sure if it is the beautiful (mostly) evening gowns that the girls have on, or the interviews, or the actual crowning of the new queen that excites me the most. Maybe it's the talent portion that I love. Regardless, this is one of my favorite things to watch every year.
Last night, I came in about halfway through the competition which means I got to see most of the talent showcases and all of the interviews. Most of the girls did good on their interview question, but Miss Arizona left me slightly irritated. Well, since I am blogging about it I guess I am more than slightly irritated. Here is what happened : the question asked was, is it okay for athletes and celebrities to use their fame, to promote their faith and the judge referenced Tim Tebow. An article I read said that this question tested the diplomacy of the contestant. I think it was a test of faith...where she really stood. Miss Arizona answered that it is good for famous people to have faith, but that when representing organizations such as Miss America, "they have to remember that they are representing a wide variety of people." Now I know that the statement may not seem all that horrible, and may at first come across as an okay answer, but there was more to her answer (I tried to find the whole quote) and it all leaned to her really pushing the point that if she won she would not make her faith a public "thing" because it may offend someone.
So, I laid in the bed thinking about that for a while and wondered how I would answer the question if it were asked of me and this is how I THINK I would have responded. "Yes, I feel it is okay for athletes and celebrities to share their faith just as it is okay for anyone to do so. A huge part of being a Christ follower is sharing your faith, and discipling others. If that comes across as promoting my faith, then that's up to whomever sees/hears it. It's not promoting it though...it's living it out. Walking the walk not just talking the talk."
Now, I know that I would not have won with that answer, and may have even been criticized in the public's eye. However, what is more important...wearing the crown given to me by Miss America or wearing the crown given to me by Jesus? Ummm, I'll take the latter of the two. Thank you!

Because Lots of People Read Facebook

2012-01-09T17:32:00.000-06:00

So, because lots of people have read my husband's Facebook updates about me going to the hospital Saturday night, I guess I have to just tell the story so no rumors will be circulating (i.e. I'm dead).
The short version goes something like this:
I was perfectly fine all day Saturday and then around dinner time I got a sharp, stabbing, burning pain in my left rib cage. It started swelling, and then it became painful to breathe at times. I went to urgent care since it was a weekend night thinking I would just be in for an xray and a quick evaluation. I ended up getting those things along with an order for a STAT CT scan of the chest. Doc was thinking pulmonary embolism...I was thinking he was over-reacting. Anyways, doc called the hospital and told them I was on my way and that I was to have the scan done and wait there until he called me. David and I got to the hospital with orders in hand, gave them to the receptionist who informed us that we HAD to go through the ER (I should have made her verify this, but I was hurting). Anyways, I get back to the ER and they decide to work me up as a heart patient...calling my rib pain, chest pain. I kept trying to tell them the difference in the two, but it wasn't working. Next thing I know I'm hooked up to monitors out the wazoo, they are drawing all sorts of labs to see if I had a heart attack (come on now...really?!?), and are asking me about illicit drug use. I told them I had never done drugs in my life, totally forgetting about my prescription Marinol for the cancer treatments I get (medical marijuana in a pill form). I'm quite sure they were thinking I was totally lying when my drug screen came back positive for cannabis. How embarrassing!!!! Here I am, 34 years old, never done drugs until I get permission, the recommendation, and a prescription from my oncologist to do so, and I get called out on it. Grrr.... Anyways, get lots of other tests done including the CT which came back showing the same thing the last 2 have. A nodule on my lung. They freaked out about it even after I told them that it had always been there and paged the on-call Fellow at Vanderbilt...not sure what they could have done about it at 2:00 AM, but whatever. Anyways, at this point, my oxygen level dropped so they put me on oxygen, my heart rate started going from 80 up to 120 then back down to 70 then back up to 160 etc... That earned me an overnight stay on the cardiac unit.
Fast forward a bit. When the nurse came to take me to my overnight room, she forgot my oxygen so during the ride through the hospital, my oxygen level started dropping again in the high 80s and the girl realized she didn't have her oxygen tank to hook me up to. So, for the next few minutes while she is wheeling me through the halls she is saying, "Mrs Blevins, take deep breaths, take deep breaths, stay awake we are almost there..." Good grief! Anyways, I get to my room still breathing and I see that I have a dang roommate!!!! An elderly lady who was out of her mind!!! She was getting out of bed and setting the bed alarm off (she needed the nurses to help her), cussing, yelling she couldn't breathe, etc... It was a debacle. Anyways, later that afternoon, I was released from the hospital, but not before my nurse and another nurse got into a fight in my room over answering each other's call lights and which one was lazier etc... I'm telling you that it was CRAZY!!! Oh,and just to nail home the point of how horrible it was there, I didn't have anything to eat OR drink from the time I went in on Saturday evening until I got home Sunday evening...NOTHING!
I can't wait until the patient survey comes. It should be awesome!
And finally, I left without a diagnosis...yep, that's right. No rhyme or reason was given for anything! Oh well, I'm great now so that is what matters.

Let The Testing Begin...

2012-01-05T22:37:00.000-06:00

Since choosing my word, I have been given many opportunities to practice being intentional. Here are a few situations. The first was that I had a horrible nightmare about my brother's upcoming deployment (leaves in the next week). This happened before and during his last deployment too so I should have expected it. Anyways, for the first hour that I was awake, I sobbed, wept, etc... And then, I could just feel the Spirit giving me the Scriptures that tell me to take every thought captive and to think about those things which are only good, true, honest, noble, faithful, etc... At that point, I had a decision to make. I had to be intentional in my decision to focus on the lies and deceit that satan had placed in my thoughts, or focus on the good things that Christ has given us. I wisely chose the second and the Lord blessed that intentional decision and the rest of my day was AMAZING!
The second thing that has happened did so today during my chemo treatment. For about 4-6 weeks now I have been noticing a soreness in my left ribs in my back and occasionally in my collarbones. I assumed it was from being at the YMCA, and tried to place it out of my mind. Well it has gradually become more noticeable and even more painful. Now it hurts to touch the certain places on the ribs. I mentioned this today to my chemo nurse and she immediately went into her "busy mode." She got my oncology nurse practitioner over to evaluate me. We found another extremely tender spot right on the vertebrae in the middle of my spine. I had no idea that it hurt until the pressed on it. She asked me if I could go get a bone scan do evaluate...to see if there are any broken ribs, weakened bones, spread of cancer, etc.... I told her I could if she thought it was really needed which she really did so I got my appointment set and will going back to the hospital in 12 hours to have a 4 hour test done. Thank God that David gave me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I will have time to catch up and finish Season One Glee! Anyways, I have really been at peace about it for the most part. I am taking those thoughts of fear and metastasis captive and focusing on the fact that I get to catch up on GLEE while I wait for my "photo shoot." I'm focusing on the fact that 2 years ago God told me that I had been healed and I am very easily able to recall that and lean into it.
Well, my drugs are still hanging in my system so I better sign out for tonight. All in all, I give myself an A minus on my intentionality test. I'm trying hard but learning quite often that being intentional is a day by day, sometimes hour by hour decision.

One Word

2012-01-02T22:27:00.000-06:00

So if you have read my blog for any period of time now, you may remember that I don't do resolutions. I think they are ridiculous, dumb, and pointless...no really, they are. HOWEVER, I was introduced to the concept of One Word 4 years ago and have since adopted the concept for myself.
One Word is where you literally choose the one word that you want to focus on for the upcoming year and you shape your life and choices around that one word. You begin to look for ways to incorporate the word into your daily living. In 2009, my word was EMBRACE. I was diagnosed that year with stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and had to learn to embrace the physical, emotional and spiritual changes that I was going through. It was a hard year, but a very rewarding one when I see the growth that has happened in me. In 2010 and 2011, my word was RESTORATION. In 2010, I chose that word because I was going to be having more physical changes in my body as reconstruction was going to be happening. Emotionally, I needed restoration as treatments were going to finally stop which in a cancer patient's world is a scary thought. Nothing is being done anymore to fight the disease and you just hope and trust that you are healed. I chose RESTORATION again in 2011 because I wasn't restored in 2010. Reconstruction didn't work and it was the hardest 6 months of my life...the pain was unbearable and emotionally I was a wreck. So, putting the attempts at reconstruction behind me and deciding, through lots of prayer and petitioning to the Lord, I felt that it was time to get my spiritual life along with my physical and emotional life restored in the way God wanted it to be; it was a year of being restored to Him.
So, for the big reveal for this year. My One Word for 2012 is INTENTIONAL and here is what dictionary.com has to say about it (I always like to look up the definition of my word to make sure I truly understand it in it's rightful way).

in·ten·tion·al

done with intention or on purpose; intended: an intentional insult.

of or pertaining to intention or purpose.

Synonyms
1. designed, planned.

I actually like the synonyms better, but for all intents and purposes (haha), I'm keeping "intentional" as that is the word the Lord laid on my heart.

Now for the opposite of intentional and what I hope to avoid because after all, who wants to go through life living like this:
Antonyms

1. accidental

And, just to confirm that this is supposed to be my One Word for this year, the Lord proved faithful and gave me Scripture to confirm it. And get this, it's not like it was from the New Testament, one of Paul's letters, a familiar story etc... It was from the book of Haggai! I mean really...Haggai?!? Who reads that (just kidding, sort of)? Haggai 1:7 says :" This is what the Lord Almighty says: Give careful thought to your ways." As I set out in this new year, I plan to give careful thought to ALL of my ways...every single decision I make. I may be being intentional 5 times/day or 25 times/day, but either way, it's one intentional decision at a time.

So, hop on the new bandwagon and forget your resolutions...if you haven't forgotten them already (ha!). Choose a word and start living it out! And if you do, leave me a comment, and if you are dead set on resolutions, well then leave me a comment and tell me what they are. I'd love to know either way.

Please HEAR this

2011-12-24T13:40:00.001-06:00

I am blown away by this 5 minute video. So simple, yet so powerful. If you never read my blog again, this is a MUST hear/MUST watch video. It will be the very best 5 minutes of your day...and ultimately your life. Five minutes...that's all it takes.

Advent: God With Us from The Village Church on Vimeo.

I Wonder If...

2011-12-18T11:58:00.002-06:00

I have been awake since 3:45 with just one thing on my mind...

I wonder if Mary was ever awakened by the sounds of Jesus' little feet pitter-pattering down the hall to her room in the middle of the night. I bet she was!
I wonder if Mary was ever slightly annoyed that Joseph and Jesus could fall asleep in 2.2 seconds yet it took her forever to unwind at night.
I wonder if Mary ever gave Jesus "eskimo kisses" and if they giggled about it in the process.
I wonder how Mary taught obedience to Jesus as a toddler - especially a 3 year old.
I wonder if Mary ever got frustrated with Jesus - surely she did?!?
I wonder if Mary ever just caught herself staring at Jesus and silently began thanking God that he chose her to be Jesus' mommy.
I wonder if Mary knew that she would only have 33 years with her precious Son what she would have done differently, kept the same, done more of or less of, etc...

These things, along with many other, cross my mind especially this time of year. We are coming upon the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I feel like I have fallen into the Christmas spirit of frenzy, decor, gifts, parties, and activities with the kids. Don't get me wrong, these are are wonderful and exciting things when kept in perspective. It's just that it has been and will continue to be a busy season for Team Blevins. I had chemo 5 days ago, David is having surgery tomorrow, I'm having another thyroid biopsy Thursday, and our family is coming for Christmas. There are groceries to be bought, meals to be prepared, a house to be cleaned, kids to keep entertained, a husband to take care of post-operatively, and the list goes on and on. Not to mention that I haven't wrapped a single present yet. Oooh, I can just feel my anxiety level creeping up as I type. I wonder if Mary's anxiety ever crept up as she just thought about what her days entailed.
It's time to stop, bring the focus of Christmas back and let it be what drives the rest of the season forward. If you find yourself like me, all caught up in the "to-do" lists that seem to grow with each passing day in December, take a moment to breathe, really thank God for the birth of His Son, and bring Christ back to the forefront of your mind this season.

I'm off to spend some time with Him now and as I do, I will not only pray for my family and the week we have ahead of us, but I will pray for each of you...that your week will be filled with things that scream Jesus and bring you back to the real "Reason for the Season."

Excerpts From A Favorite...

2011-12-10T15:05:00.000-06:00

I have been reading some FANTASTIC books lately that I strongly recommend...could I even use the term "endorse"? Well, if I were an author, which I will be one day soon, I could use that term officially, but for now, I will use it and pretend...HA!

The first book I want to tell you about is by Kyle Idleman and is called not a fan. (and it is written just like that on the cover...lowercase and all). Here is how I came across this book. I had recently finished another book on my Kindle and decided to just do a search using just the word "Jesus" and this was one of the first books that came back. Now given the title, I was originally offended and decided to get the free sample just to see why this would come back on a Jesus search term. HOLY MOLY...I was hooked by the end of the short sample. Catchy title also comes with a subtitle (that I couldn't see at the time it was searched) of...becoming a completely committed follower of Jesus.

This book is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!!!! Who wants to be a fan of Jesus? It sounds good at first, right?!? I mean it gives the feeling of "yay Jesus! Woo-hoo, I love Him..." but honestly, is that as far as it goes for you? Is that as deep as you want to go with Christ? Not me!!! I do not want to be merely a fan, but a follower! Here are some excerpts from the book...

* It wasn't the size of the crowd Jesus cared about; it was their level of commitment.
* Fans of Jesus who know all about him, but they don't know him.
* The biggest threat to the church today is the fans who call themselves Christians but aren't actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them.
* Fans often confuse their admiration for devotion. They mistake their knowledge of Jesus for intimacy with Him.
* There is no way to follow Jesus without him interfering in your life. It was cost you something.
* Like the Pharisees, many fans have given their minds to the study of God, but they never surrendered their hearts.
* Jesus does not expect followers to be perfect, but he does call them to be authentic.
* When we learn to truly follow Jesus, we find that obedience to God comes from the inside out. Submission to what God wants for our lives flows naturally out of that relationship.
* In Luke 9:23, Jesus makes it clear that if we are going to follow him, a casual no strings attached arrangements isn't a possibility.
* If you call yourself a Christian, by definition you are committing to following Christ with every area of your life.
and lastly...
* Taking up your cross and following Jesus can and will bring pain and suffering. You can't carry a cross without suffering. And here's the question that is keeping me awake these days: Am I really carrying a cross if there is no suffering and sacrifice? When is the last time that following Jesus cost you something?

Seriously, get the book. I will loan it to you via Kindle if you have one and that will save you a few bucks...it's really that good!!! Promise.

Update and Other Things

2011-12-03T08:11:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update on Cathey. She is doing much better now and was able to enjoy Thanksgiving with her family. What happened to make her so sick with the chemo is that her body may not have the enzyme needed to actually process the medication the way it should. If that is the case, the med is not working and there is no reason to continue it. She has had the labwork to determine if her body is lacking this particular enzyme but I'm not sure how long it takes to get the results. Without the medicine, her life expectancy is cut DRASTICALLY so please pray that her body has the enzyme and that she can continue to take it. In the meantime, our oncologist did cut her dose of it so that hopefully she won't have the horrible side effects. Also going on with her is that her dad just fell out of his deer stand while hunting and is in the trauma unit at Vanderbilt with a broken neck. Another prayer request please. During this holiday season, lets just lift up the whole family to our God who is the ultimate healer and protector.

On another note, I have just finished an intense study of the book of John and I am telling you that there are so many things I discovered that I didn't catch the other billion times I have read from this book. For instance, there was one day that just 3 words stuck out to me and literally I stopped, read them over and over, meditated on them and the just prayed thanking God for the revelation. Those 3 words: "Jesus, being weary..." simple, huh? Easy to read and keep going on, but not this time. It was a day when I was recovering from treatment and was simply exhausted and not feeling well. Those 3 little words spoke volumes to me. Jesus knew what it was like to be so dog tired that it was hard to keep going. John could have used the word tired or exhausted, but WEARY...to me that indicates that Jesus was not just physically tired, but emotionally and mentally also. Oooh, the comfort I received just knowing that Jesus had days like I have too. I needed that particular revelation on that particular day and it has stuck with me. This past week I have been exhausted and weary to the point of tears. I'm pretty sure it's probably related to a drop in blood counts, but that doesn't really provide any comfort. It's been one of those things where I have had to just accept that my body was worn out...weary...and just rest. Just be still. I have thought of Jesus feeling the same way a lot this week and the truly it has provided comfort to know that as I am praying for energy and healing that He understands it and wants that for me too.
I don't know...I'm probably rambling now, but I would encourage everyone to slowly read through a passage, a chapter, or a book of the Bible and let the Spirit speak to you. I used to always wonder how someone could spend so much time on one or two verses, but now I know. When the Spirit reveals something to you, you can't help but stay there and ponder it, pray through it, and let the Spirit reveal things to you. Maybe this would be the perfect time of year to do that with the Christmas story from the book of Luke. Read it as though you have never read it before and let the Spirit move you. If any of you have any exciting revelations, please share them with me via the comment section. Trust me, I will probably get just as excited about it as you are...that's why some of my friends call me a Bible geek...because I get almost giddy at things that are newly discovered and it excites me to no end.

sigh...PLEASE PRAY

2011-11-13T18:39:00.000-06:00

This post is a plea for prayer. A plea for prayer for a lady who I have had the pleasure of getting to know briefly but feel like I have known for a long time. She is that type of person. You are immediately drawn to her and her sweet spirit and you instantly feel like you have known her for years.

Anyways, before I share her whole story with you in a later journal entry, I will share this with you first. Cathey has recently found out that her breast cancer has returned and is now in her liver...now NO place is a "good" place for cancer to come back, but the liver is one of the worst. Anyways, she has just started a new oral chemo that has made her EXTREMELY sick, in pain, and physically weak. Originally she was torn as to what to do in regards to treatment, but upon returning to the oncologist and hearing "without treatment you have about 3-4 months to live," she decided to go forth with it.

Please join me in praying for Cathey and her family. Pray for her healing, strength, appetite, and for her pain to subside. Please pray that God would just pour down His blessings of peace and comfort to her and her family...especially the teenage daughter she has. Pray for a miracle!

And selfishly, pray for me. You see, to me, she is another "Kate." Like my sweet Kate, Cathey and I share the same oncologist, and were diagnosed within 6 months of each other with breast cancer. My instant reaction is to run run run as fast as I can from this so that I don't have to deal with seeing another friend suffer, but every time I try to push her out of my mind and "forget" about the situation, I feel God telling me to be His light. To be His hands and feet. The flesh part of me wants to say "heck no" because I walked this road with Kate and I still hurt from it and I don't want to do it again. However, the Spirit is telling me to do the opposite. I don't know why. I don't know why this is happening, but He is gently reminding me that this is another opportunity that He is giving me to share His love. But why does it have to be with someone who I can so closely identify with? Why can't it be a neighbor who is super healthy or someone at the gym who just needs a good influence?

Last night, I cried myself to sleep asking God why things had to be this way, and just pleading for Him to heal Cathey completely. My heart is already burdened to the "n'th" degree so I don't know how this is all going to play out or how this is going to grow me in Christ in process, but I am trying to just trust in God's sovereignty and remember that this will all be for His glory which makes all the suffering that we all endure worth every second.

Finally...Something that Works

2011-11-06T06:30:00.000-06:00

Aaah, I am sitting here about to watch a movie with my wonderful husband on a Saturday night and am feeling absolutely fantastic other than just a touch of nausea (but it's totally manageable!). Three days ago, I got my third treatment and normally, I would still be in the bed or on the couch at this point. However, we tried a new drug this time to offset the nausea and IT WORKED!!! I was even up and about yesterday evening with the kids and then was out ALL DAY TODAY at soccer games, the mall, etc... I cannot believe how amazing this new drug is and had I known how great it would work, I would have never been hesitant to try it to begin with. Now granted, I did sleep for about 1.5-2 days, but still, I was not hugging the toilet or feeling like I was going to so in my mind, that is a success!

On another note, I am in a discipleship group that I want to share with you about, but that is for another post. This is NOT another Bible study, but an actual discipleship group. And I'm telling you that I have learned sooooo very much and am learning more each week. It's exciting to even think about it and I love going each week.
However, right now, my husband and the movie are calling so I will tell you all about the group next time. Until then...

Oh Goodness, I Need Guidance

2011-10-27T07:21:00.000-05:00

So, Chloe, my nearly 5 year old, is getting more and more inquisitive everyday about EVERYTHING from gymnastics to "big school" to Jesus. I literally never know what is going to come out of her mouth but I can promise you that most of her questions are waaaay above her age level. This can be cute and fun when it comes to everyday run of the mill type questions, but when it comes to questions about Jesus, God, Heaven etc..., well that's when I get a little fumbled at how to answer on her level so that she understands.

Here's the latest thing that surprised me. We were reading the story of Nicodemus coming to Jesus at night and asking Him questions. Of all of the things that she picked up on in the story, this was it...
CHLOE: "Mommy, how do you get born again?"
ME: "well, being born again doesn't mean you have to be a baby again. It means that you believe in Jesus, you know He died on the cross and that He forgives our sins, and that He lives in heaven with God. And after you know all of that in your heart you just talk to Jesus and tell Him that you love Him, that you know and believe all of it, and that you want to follow Him."
CHLOE: "well, I already know all that mommy."
ME: "Do you believe it Chloe? Do you know He is real and all of that really happened a long time ago? And that when it's our turn, if we have believed in Jesus and followed Him that we will get to go to heaven and live forever and ever and ever?"
CHLOE: "I know that mommy. And mommy, did you know that in heaven God will let me have sleep-overs in your castle and maybe I can just live with you?"
ME: "I know! That will be so much fun Chloe! Heaven is going to be one big party with all of our friends and family..."
CHLOE: and Jesus and Cabot (our dog).

And then she ran off and was ready to do something else. WHOA! I certainly wasn't expecting that question from her. It's so hard to figure out how to speak TRUTH to a child on a level that they understand and not feel like you are totally blowing it or minimizing it. This is where I am praying that grace covers it all though as I would never want to lead my children the wrong way.

Is It November Yet?

2011-10-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

This will be a random post of random thoughts going through my mind. Just a warning that it may jump all over the place so buckle up and come along for the ride :)

I am so ready for October to be over! I cannot wait until next week - oh, what am I saying? Am I really wishing my days away? My oldest will be 5 years old in November (or as she likes to say, "mommy, I will be a whole hand on my birthday")!!! Am I really wishing that time to hurry on? YEP, I sure am and it's all because I am sooooo incredibly over PINK this year (month).
I'm not really sure why it has been like this for me this year? I always look forward to our annual Race for the Cure ,and this year....well, not so much. It's coming up on Saturday and we have plans to go down the night before, stay in a hotel and then take it all in on Saturday. We have always enjoyed the walk and doing this together as a family but this year it's just different. Part of me wants to stay home and go to Chloe's soccer game and keep the weekend "normal" for us, but the other part of me wants my children to see a little piece of what God delivered me from and how incredibly blessed we are as a family. I also feel like I need to go and walk to remember Kate. I will feel incredibly guilty if I don't because i put that pressure on myself. If she could see me typing this I know what she would say, "forget the walk crazy girl. I never liked to exercise anyways!" But I still feel like I owe it to her and her family because I still carry some survivor guilt. And I feel like I should do it because I am beyond grateful for the Komen foundation and all of the money they have donated to research and awareness etc... If not for this non-profit, I would possibly not be here.
There was an article written this month in our city magazine, Clarksville Family, about me and how my past year has looked. It was a follow-up from last year which was a follow-up from the year before. Anyways, I liked the phrase the author used when describing me and my journey. She said, "cancer does not define Kelly. It influences her, but does not define her." That is so true and it took me 2 full years to understand that. It took me pulling back from all things breast cancer related to really get myself back on track emotionally. I had to step back because I was allowing cancer to consume me which held me back from being able to move forward.
Maybe this is what I am doing again. Trying to pull back even more. Trying to avoid the hurts that come with going to the walk (seeing people walking "in memory of..."). Is that wrong? Someone once told me that I had a responsibility to tell others my story as it may save their life. Here is what I think about that. My responsibility, as a follower of Christ, is to tell others about Him...not me. In the process, He has given me an amazing story of His power and glory to share. That is more important to me than telling women to do self exams. Now I know that sounds harsh and I really do want women to be pro-active in their health, but more so, I want them to be pro-active in their faith!
OK, I think that's where I should end. My sweet babies are sleeping soundly in my bed beside me as David is still not home yet. I'm going to snuggle with them and try to reconcile some of these feelings about pink and October.

Yes, I am Blogging at 4 AM

2011-10-16T05:32:00.000-05:00

So technically its 4:33 AM on Sunday morning and yes, I am sitting here awake and alone in the living room instead of in the bed soundly sleeping with my husband. Unfortunately I have some sort of nasty respiratory infection that keeps me coughing and is making it hard to breathe while laying down. Not to mention the night sweats that are oh so disturbing. Praying the antibiotic will kick in soon and start healing these lungs right up. And as for the cough syrup the doctor prescribed, lets just say it works. And...Other than this infection, the bone pain, muscle aches, and nausea from chemo the other day is GONE!!!!! Praise Jesus!!!!! I can certainly handle 3 days of yuck feeling after chemo each time knowing that after those 3 days I will have 18 to feel fabulous with my family!
Anyways, the real reason for the post...Stephanie...the gal I mentioned in the last journal entry very briefly. Here's the story. When we were leaving Seattle last Wednesday, David went over to grab us lunch while I took the kids to potty and then on to the gate to wait. When we got to our gate, the area was ridiculously full so we just stood by the agent desk and figured we wouldn't have seats. No big deal at all. Then for some reason, Chloe and Brody started walking into the crowded waiting area and spotted a table for kids in the middle that had 4 seats and only 2 little girls were at it. We headed over there and immediately I was drawn to the mom. She was young, had a bandana around her head, was obviously bald, and I assumed it was due to chemo from breast cancer (it helped that the bandana has pink ribbons all over it). Usually, I do NOT strike up conversation with a total stranger about breast cancer but this mom looked so sad and tired and I thought that if I could just offer her a few words of encouragement that maybe it would help.
I started the conversation by just asking if she was currently in treatment for breast cancer. She sweetly said that she was and then I proceeded to tell her that I too had had breast cancer. Her eyes grew wide and a smile crossed her face, and inside I could feel the Lord saying keep talking to her. We asked each other the normal survivor questions, and found that our cancers were quite different. She originally was a stage 2, I was a stage 3. Her cancer was triple negative (meaning non-hormonal, non aggressive), mine was triple positive (hormone related and aggressive), yet despite these differences, there were so many commonalities. We both had the same chemo treatments, same radiation, and same surgeries, both were 31 at diagnosis, both have pre-school age children...her twin girls were 2 at her diagnosis and are 4 now (and ADORABLE!!!) Her husband is in the ARMY and was able to take on the role of a recruiter so that he could be home and non-deployable while Stephanie was sick. And she said that her family also lived out of state like ours do.
I then asked a question that made me want to puke...like really puke. I asked her why she was still in treatment since it had been 2 years. I knew the answer already, but she seemed to want to keep talking. Her story is heartbreaking. Stephanie was diagnosed in December 2009. She had her surgeries in February 2010 and started chemo the next month. She did the same grueling chemo that I did for 5 months followed by 6 weeks of radiation. She finished all treatments in October that year and her oncologist told her he would see her back in 6 months. A few weeks passed and she got pneumonia...well, they thought it was pneumonia. No one ever did an x-ray to really see, but instead just put her on 5 different rounds of antibiotics because it wasn't clearing up. In the mean-time, she told me that she had a followup visit with her neurologist for migraine headaches...she had been having them since she was 12 so this was a routine check-up. She mentioned the un-resolved pneumonia to him and he immediately ordered a chest xray to be done that day.
You know how this story is going to go, right? Chest x-ray showed several spots on her lungs. Next step was a PET scan to check the rest of her body for metastasis...the cancer had already spread to not only her lungs, but to her spine, brain, and abdomen. At this point of her story, I felt the Lord telling me to tell Stephanie that I would pray for her, but I felt like at this point it would sound so cliche...especially since we are perfect strangers. I waited and let her keep talking. She told me about the radiation she was taking for the spots on her spine, the new chemo she was taking and how it was just attacking her blood counts ferociously. She spoke with such strength and resolve yet there was something lacking...
Eventually, they called her flight to begin boarding so she and her husband started gathering their bags and getting their girls ready. They were off to New Hampshire, where they live, so that she could get treatment the next day. I don't know what possessed me except to say it was the Holy Spirit's urging, but I asked her name and told her that I was going to put her in my prayer journal and pray for her. I'm not kidding when I say that her eyes grew wide, a smile crossed her face, and she got a little teary eyed. All she could manage was "I'm Stephanie and thank you so much!" I hate that we didn't have time to exchange emails or phone numbers, yet I also feel like God may have been protecting my heart... the heart that hasn't fully healed from Kate's death. I think that our encounter in the airport was all that she and I were meant to have yet I will keep praying for her daily. I love how the Lord just puts people in your life for seasons that can last only 45 minutes or can last for 10 years. This short season with Stephanie will not be forgotten for a long time to come.

I guess I just want to end with this. It's simple. Get this dear friends. It's simple. You think you have to evangelize and tell the whole story of God, Jesus, and salvation in order to feel like you have witnessed to someone. However, many many times, it's as simple as listening, sharing your story, and offering words of encouragement. It can be just telling someone you are going to pray for them (and then doing it) or it can be as easy as showing someone an act of kindness.
This sweet girl reminded me of a few things:
1. life is short so embrace each day with as much energy as you can...even on treatment days if the only energy I have is to hug my kids and husband while I am laying in bed, then so be it, but do it with as much love as possible.
2. be grateful and praise God in every situation. The trials in life that we go through are not just pointless, they are to build us up to do even greater things for the Kingdom.
3. and finally, never be afraid to follow the Holy Spirit's leading or urgings. You can't go wrong if you do.

I'm sad that I won't be able to update on Stephanie, but I really do feel like this is just how God is choosing to protect my heart at this point. I know she was trying to get into some clinical trials in Boston to try some new chemo there. Even though we won't be able to follow her story, please join me in praying for her, her little girls Izzy and Addie, and her husband.

Another Day, Another Treatment

2011-10-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

Short, sweet and to the point...that's what I plan for this entry to be.
Yesterday was round 2 out of 18 treatments. I'm now 1/9th of the way done. Woo-Hoo! Everything started out really good. I was in a great mood having just came back from a wonderful visit with my brother Jordan, his wife, Kim, and their precious baby Adalynn. They live in Washington - very close to Seattle - so we toured around Seattle, Olympia, and a little side trip to Tacoma. I was physically strong and ready for round 2.
My nurse yesterday was super sweet. Her name was Suzanne and she and I had a lot in common. She accessed my port just fine and started my saline drip first. Later she brought in the Herceptin and started it as well. About 20 minutes into that infusion, I got nauseated, had some other stomach problems, and started getting really cold - like I was shivering. She was able to get an order from my doctor for a wonder drug called EMEND that is for nausea and lasts 3 days. I took this 2 years ago with my other chemo and it truly was a wonder drug. I never got sick and all was well then. Suzanne also slowed the infusion down quite a bit so it wouldn't drip in as fast and even after she did that I started to feel a little better.
Last night was a little hard...around bedtime I really started feeling the body aches and pain and I'm still having that as I type. Naproxen helps a little as do Epsom Salt baths. The nausea is still there, but NOTHING like it was after my last treatment. I have not vomited at all this time around. I do have a new gel that I rub on the inside of my wrists that consists of Ativan, Benadryl, and Decadron (all used for nausea in the world of cancer) all compounded together. I have had to put it on twice since the infusion, but again, it's working well and I can't say enough about how great it is to NOT puke. Other than those things, I'm just really really exhausted. Feel like my legs weigh 1000 pounds each and I just want to sleep. Luckily, my children are playing well together today and understand that mommy is okay but just feeling a little yucky. Chloe asked me if I needed to go see Dr Seawell (that's her pediatrician) and get a shot. HA....that's my little nurturer though. Always wanting to make sure everyone is taken care of and okay.
I do hope to feel better soon because I met another mom who has 4 year old twins and is going through breast cancer treatments now too and I want to tell you all about her and how we met. Kind of a cool story. Until I have the energy for it though, here are a few details. Her name is Stephanie and she has stage 4. She had chemo yesterday too and is not doing well with it at all. More detail later, but until then, pray for her and her family.

Weird, Just Plain Weird

2011-10-04T06:44:00.000-05:00

October is here, cooler weather is upon us (which makes this hot flashin' gal happy), and PINK IS EVERYWHERE...which leaves this gal feeling a bit weird. Here are a few reasons why...

1. I feel bad. As in I feel really bad that not every single month is dedicated to some sort of cancer awareness. Maybe it's guilt that I feel because my mom has cancer that I don't even know the color ribbon for (maybe there is not one), and I think her cancer deserves a whole month dedicated to fundraising and national awareness.
2. I feel irritated. There was a pin on pinterest.com that just did not resonate well with me last night. But it's odd because it kind of goes against what listed as #1 in my list. The pin said, "I hate breast cancer awareness month because more children die of childhood cancers that women die of breast cancer." WOW! Internal struggle here! Four of my most memorable patients when I was working as a nurse were all oncology patients. This hits home to me. At the same time though I wanted to comment on this person's pin and say "cancer sucks for all cancer patients so be a bit more sensitive when you pin things like this." But then I wonder if this person lost a child to cancer. I recently read a statement that said (and I'm paraphrasing) your pain is the worst pain you will ever have because it is YOUR pain. No one else "gets it." So maybe a little grace should be extended for this "pinner."
3. I feel desperate? Susan G Komen is the nonprofit that I believe put breast cancer on the national radar. Before Susan passed away, her sister promised her that she would work hard to find a cure for breast cancer and bring awareness. The reason October is dedicated to all things pink and breast cancer is because this sister kept her promise and has worked very very hard to bring national attention to this illness. I feel desperate for every other cancer to have that one person who works to bring awareness to the world about it. Lance Armstrong is one who did that for testicular cancer.
4. I feel like I want to vomit. Ok, maybe I shouldn't have used that term given how I responded to the last chemo treatment, but it's true. I took Chloe with me to run errands the other day and of course, my ever observant and extremely smart 4 year old said, "mommy, look! there is cancer stuff everywhere. Why did they put chemo things in the store?" After being taken aback for about 2 seconds, I just replied to her that October was a month when lots of people give money to cancer doctors so that they can work really hard to make a medicine that makes cancer go away forever. Dumb answer? Maybe. However, she was satisfied and didn't ask anything else...but she did continue to point out all things pink ribbon related for the remainder of that shopping trip. It became slightly nauseating when she even got excited about pink "chemo" bubble wrap. A four year old should not have to worry about cancer, chemo, mommy's hair coming out again, mommy's scars and boo-boos, and mommy having a sick tummy for days on end. That is what makes me want to vomit...that part of Chloe's innocence has forever been taken. She even commented that the cartoon character, Caillou, must have cancer because he has no hair. I want her to notice pink ribbons that would look adorable in her hair, and pink princess things...not pink cancer ribbons...at least not at her age. But who knows...maybe the Lord is already softening her heart to this and He will use her in a mighty way for other people with breast cancer.
5. I feel grateful for all of the research, awareness and attention given to breast cancer because I know it saved my life. Had I not known anything about self-exams I would not be here today - my oncologist has said that had we not caught it when we did that I would have been gone within a year. I know that awareness of the disease put self-exams, mammograms, and ultrasounds on the map and gave women more weapons in the fight against breast cancer.
6. And finally I feel a little melancholy. This month always makes me miss Kate. I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice. I miss the friendship that we so quickly formed in the chemo waiting room. I miss seeing her every week and getting together for lunch in between treatments. I miss having a sounding board and being a sounding board for her (although she is perfectly healed in heaven now and doesn't need a sounding board). I miss her especially when we do our annual Race for the Cure...it's coming up. She is supposed to be walking with us. It doesn't seem right to not have her physically here. But I would never wish her back. I would never ever wish her away from the feet of Jesus back to this sinful, fallen world that we live in. She is the lucky one if I am being honest. Her family and friends certainly aren't as her husband still misses and grieves her fiercely, but you know what I mean....

Needed This In Writing

2011-10-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

This journal entry is nothing super enlightening or special for most of my readers, but to me, this is what I consider to be a huge "accomplishment" so I needed it in writing in order to look back at it when my next treatment rolls around and I feel like I might die again (not literally, but you know what I mean).

For the first 11 days after my new chemo drug I was sick with nausea, vomiting, body aches, and bone pain. It was literally the worst 11 days that I have had not only because of the physical symptoms, but also because I wasn't mentally prepared that my body would react the way it did. I sailed through every other chemo (or at least that's the way I remember it) so I certainly expected the same thing of myself this time around. I never once imagined that I would go back two times in 1 week for IV fluids to combat dehydration. I never once imagined that the smell of my favorite foods would cause me to dry heave. I would even get sick some days just thinking about food, or seeing a commercial.

However, yesterday and today have been the total opposite for me! I have had the 2 most wonderful days. No sickness at all! No pain, no nothing except 100% happiness and excitement to be back to normal. So, here's how yesterday went down... I got up with both kids at the crack of dawn, got them ready for Chloe's soccer game and headed to the fields. David had to work or he would have been with us at the game too! I watched my little soccer star play her heart out and every single time she scored or blocked the other team from scoring she would look over at me, grin super huge, and give me a thumbs up signal. After that, the kids and I went to Kohl's, Target, Dick's Sporting Goods, and the Halloween Express Store. It was so much fun to hang with my kids and feel really good! After that, we came home to eat lunch and rest for a while. Several hours later, after David had gotten home and rested too, we all 4 went outside. David started some yardwork while I took the kids on a walk through the neighborhood. I pushed Brody in his stroller and Chloe pushed her baby doll, Amy, in her doll stroller. After that, the kids and I played cornhole, ladder ball, kickball, and had races around the yard. Then I helped Chloe learn to ride her bike without training wheels. She is a fast learner and by the end of our time doing that, she was riding on the grass without any help at all. She was so proud! During the bike practice, Brody decided to help David with the yard-work so they were buddies. After it finally got dark, we came in, gave the kids baths, ate dinner and everyone pretty much passed out early. It was a great day!
Today, pretty much the same scenario except we had church this morning, then went out to eat afterwards. The afternoon consisted of another walk through the neighborhood, bike riding practice for Chloe, kickball with Brody, and David finished up the yardwork.

I go back for treatment again in 10 days. I plan on using these next 10 days WISELY as I don't know what this next treatment will be like for my body. If it happens to be just as rough, well then this journal entry will serve to remind me that there is an end in sight and the time after will be filled with sweet sweet memories.
I go back in 2 days though for an ECHO to check the function of my heart. Unfortunately this chemo can cause heart function problems so they will monitor it every 3 months with ECHOs. I have been having these done for almost 3 years now because the other chemo had the possibility to cause heart failure also and so far my heart is super super healthy. I don't expect that to change at all. That's at least one advantage to having cancer at a young age...generally all other organs are healthy. I will also have labwork drawn to check my blood counts to see if my white cell count has dropped a lot and to see if I am becoming anemic. And then I will see my oncologist to discuss how the first treatment went and decide on a plan for next time to combat the sickness before it even starts.

For now though, I am about to hit the sack and think about how wonderful the last 2 days have been with my family until I fall asleep. I am blessed beyond measure and count myself lucky to really be able to put things into proper perspective (eternal perspective)...that's what cancer and chemo will do for you...it's not ALL bad :)

7 Days Later and...

2011-09-27T19:31:00.000-05:00

I think we have a winner. I think we have FINALLY found the right combination of nausea meds for me as I have only threw up one time today and have only had mild nausea. This is HUGE!!! Here is how my week has gone down since the first chemo dose last Tuesday.
Tuesday: nausea, vomiting, bone pain
Wednesday - same except multiplied to the nth degree with the bone pain and puking
Thursday - still hurting but not AS bad - still vomiting - in for IV fluids and a shot of Phenergan
Friday - felt a little better but had the port-a-cath placed back in so that set me back
Saturday - hurting from the surgery, nausea,
Sunday - really really tired, nauseous off and on
Monday - HORRIBLE nausea and vomiting - back to Vanderbilt for more IV fluids, IV Phenergan and IV Ativan. Also talked plan with nurse. She said that if this next round does the same thing nausea-wise, then we can talk to my oncologist about cutting the chemo dose in half and doing it every 2 weeks instead of every 3 weeks. She said they have had to do that for other patients before too. She did say that the dose I got last week was a loading dose of 8mg/kg and from here on out it will be 6mg/kg.
And today, well it started out rough as I was STILL feeling the effects of the anti-nausea meds from last night, but I really think we have a handle on it now. I have a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for 3 days and I will just change it out every three days. I also am taking Compazine for continued nausea as needed and Phenergan if I do vomit.

This is so hard for me as this was not the norm for me with the super big chemo drugs 2 years ago. It's not even the puking that bothers me because it relieves the nausea for a little bit, but the incessant nausea, the desire to take care of my family, and the guilt I feel at having to rely on David for EVERYTHING is killing me. I find myself having a pity-party that has lasted all week because I want my life the way it was 10 days ago. I don't want to have to deal with all of this again. However, for today, I am taking the break in nausea as a blessing and am getting ready to dive into the Word for some sweet reminders from my Savior that His strength is made perfect in this weakness that I have.

Back to the Land of the Living...for a few hours

2011-09-23T16:41:00.001-05:00

Well, NOTHING could have prepared me for what went down Tuesday when I went to my oncology appointment. It started off with me being so anxious that I got dizzy and threw up before I even met with my doctor (there's some real reliance on God, huh - insert eye roll here). I'm not really sure where that much anxiety came from because I knew exactly what was going to go down, but still yet, my mind got the best of me and there you have it.
Anyways, labs were first and after 4 IV pokes, the chemo nurses finally got an IV started and sent word to Dr Mayer that I needed a portacath/mediport before I came back next time. After that fiasco I saw Dr Mayer and we talked specifics of what went wrong. Basically, the Tykerb trial was to see if it was as good or better than receiving Herceptin alone. They have found that it is not as good as Herceptin in preventing recurrences and disease-free survival so the people who were chosen to receive the Tykerb alone were given the option to receive Herceptin now. Dr Mayer thought it in my best interest to have the Herceptin because I was a stage 3 at initial diagnosis and I am at the peak time for recurrence right now. She did also say that it's not like the Tykerb did nothing during the year that I took it, it's just that it didn't do as much as they had hoped it would. So I signed the consent form to receive the Herceptin and to the infusion rooms I went.
Before getting the Herceptin, I was given Benadryl, Tylenol, and Phenergan (because I was already nauseated) and then the drug started going in and would continue for 90 minutes. It was MISERABLE! I kept clock-watching and trying to walk around a little because the Benadryl gives me restless leg syndrome. I was actually probably stumbling around because all of those meds made me crazy too and I don't really remember too much of that day.
Anyways the following day I vomited every single thing I put in my mouth. My bones hurt, my stomach churned all day, and I was 100% miserable. Thrown for a loop! I never felt this way with chemo except 1 times - not this bad at least. And I only ever threw up 1 time with chemo. I laid in bed that whole day thinking that I would rather lose my hair then feel like this 17 more times. It was horrific. And then the next day came and while I was able to get out of bed amd function somewhat, I was still dizzy, nauseous, and weak. At this point I knew I had better call my oncologist. She set me up to get IV fluids and told me to take Ativan for the nausea (given to chemo patients). Did all of that and the extra fluids helped...along with the shot of Phenergan they gave me for the continued nausea.
So today is port day. I went in this morning and got my new portacath placed. It is under the skin in my chest...like right up against the bottom of my collarbone. Right now I am in pain and can't move my neck and the nausea is starting back up. I am just praying that it goes away because I am quite sure that it would hurt to puke with this thing in my neck being so new. However, my kids are begging me to ride to Rite-Aid with them and David to get my pain medicine and are telling me that they will buy me a slushie if I go. Who can turn that down?!? So, I'm off.
I've had some revelations (thank you mom) this week about all of this that is happening and will share them when I am more coherent. As for now though, the facts are all I can muster up to talk about. Love you all and thank you from the depths of my heart for your prayers!!!

Treatments Starting Again...

2011-09-18T23:09:00.002-05:00

The phone rang on Friday as I was piled in a car with 6 other gals. We were on our way to our annual Ladies of Legacy retreat in Gatlinburg. It was supposed to be a glorious 4 days away with a total of 29 women in a massive cabin. We hadn't seen each other since last September, but back to the phone call...I answered with a very happy "hello" as we gals were having a great time chatting it up. And then everything in the background sort of went "away" and all I heard was "Dr. Mayer needs to see you Tuesday about the Tykerb that you took." If you don't remember, Tykerb was the trial drug I was on for the aggressive part of my breast cancer. It is FDA approved in stage 4 breast cancer and they were testing it to see if it was as effective in stage 3,2, and 1 breast cancers also. David and I were told that all of the research to date pointed to Tykerb actually being shown as effective if not better than the standard drug (Herceptin) that oncologists were currently using. I agreed to the trial knowing that it would benefit someone in the future...possibly even my own daughter. There were 4 different "arms" of the trial I could be chosen for and I happened to be chosen to recieve the Tykerb only arm. Unfortunately, research has now shown that Tykerb is NOT working as they originally had hoped it would and that more people who took that drug are getting recurrences and are dying of breast cancer than those who got the Herceptin.

So, what does this mean for me? It means that I will start a form of chemo on Tuesday...the Herceptin...the standard drug for aggressive cancer. I will more than likely have a small surgery in the next few weeks to get another porta-cath put in (permanent IV) to get my treatments through. This first treatment on Tuesday they will just try to find a good vein and give it through a regular IV. This treatment will be given every 3 weeks for 1 full year. As far as side effects go, they are the same as with any chemo except this one will not cause hair loss. Nausea, vomiting, fever, low blood counts, achiness, fatigue, etc...are to be expected and are normal.

How do I feel about all of this news? Shocked is the first word that comes to mind. And then as the shock has had time to settle, gratitude, excitement, nervousness, and sadness have seeped in at different times.

Gratitude that there is another medicine that I can take for this!!!! I am so thankful that it's not too late to do anything. Tykerb was supposed to cut my chances of recurrence by 50% or more and Herceptin will cut it by 50%. I am so incredibly grateful for this opportunity to take a different drug!

Excitement that God has chosen me again to be His vessel. I really don't think this is about the cancer, but about WHO I will come into contact with during this upcoming year and how I can bring a ray of hope into their life.

Nervousness because of the side effects, and infusion reactions that I may experience. Nervous of going through treatment again but not having Kate there. Anxious because every single time I go I still just get high anxiety if I am there too long...I know that's just a mental thing, but it's still very real to me. And...I will be there approximately 4-5 hours each time.

Sadness because I don't want to have those yucky chemo side effects again. I don't want my sweet babies to see mommy sick and start asking questions. I don't want any added stress to David. I'm most sad though because we have had the most amazing 9 months of health, happiness, and joy and now this is happening. I feel like a scratched up CD...the song is playing beautifully and then it gets stuck and just keeps spinning around while not going on to the next lyric. It's unexpected, it's disappointing, but there is hope. You can either clean the CD and try again, or put in a whole new CD and sing a new song. Either way can result in joy. I think it's all about perspective...

I hope to get more detail from my oncologist on Tuesday and I will update as we go along this new journey.

Ordinary Hero Blog: Last Day in Ethiopia for Team 3

2011-09-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

Wow! I am so determined to get to Ethiopia now that I cannot stand it! Oh to be able to meet, bless, and pray with these people. Bring it on June 2012! Ethiopia Bound...me for sure, David possibly. We are praying about it already...

Ordinary Hero Blog: Last Day in Ethiopia for Team 3: Blog written by Adriane, Team 3 The last day in Ethiopia, our team saw desperation and beauty collide in a nearly unimaginable way. ...

Ordinary Hero Blog: OH Team 3 Shares About Baby Levi

2011-09-08T16:51:00.000-05:00

Pictures and... a Heartbreaking...truly heartbreaking story.

Ordinary Hero Blog: OH Team 3 Shares About Baby Levi: Team 3's last day in Ethiopia fell on the day that they received the sad news of little Baby Levi whom I blogged about yesterday. We all go ...

Ordinary Hero Blog: Power Team 3~ Day 5 in Ethiopia

2011-09-05T22:18:00.001-05:00

I also just posted "Day 4 in Ethiopia" below this post so make sure you read it as well.

This one however makes me so eternally grateful for God's protection! I have been praying that God would place a hedge of protection around David and the team while they were there so that they would not even hurt their foot on a stone (Psalm 91). Boy did they need it based on the events that occured. Thankfully, I am reading about it now and had no idea about it happening when it did. I would have been a mess, but I would have for sure at that specific time been a mess on my knees going to my Father on behalf of Team 3....
UPDATE*** apparently part of the blog post was taken out for whatever reason. This was the part of when the team was visiting the widow in the Muslim community and right outside of her door began a riot. People in her community thought that the team was there to preach to the lady and they were not going to have it. Luckily, the translater was able to "talk them down" and made them see that the Team was just there to find out what needs she and her family had. And the scary scary part for me...there was only 1 way in and 1 way out of this lady's housing complex...

Read on to get just a glimpse of how wonderful and amazing our God really is!

Ordinary Hero Blog: Power Team 3~ Day 5 in Ethiopia: Today we set out to serve the women who carry the large bundles of wood, eucalyptus sticks and whatever else would beenfit them to take to...

Ordinary Hero Blog: Team 3 in Ethiopia~ Day 4

2011-09-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

Another update on the work being done in Ethiopia. Amazing stories...and some tugging of my heart strings. And...maybe a few tears shed as well.

Ordinary Hero Blog: Team 3 in Ethiopia~ Day 4: Here is the latest update from the team in Ethiopia. I am a day behind so I will have Day 5 coming right behind this one :) This team is do...

Ordinary Hero Blog: Our Power Team in Ethiopia~ Day 2&3

2011-09-02T15:11:00.001-05:00

Ordinary Hero Blog: Our Power Team in Ethiopia~ Day 2&3: I am so blessed to see the amazing things being accomplished in Ethiopia right now by this power team of 10! Watch the video below to hear f...

Ordinary Hero Blog: Team 3 ~ Day 1 in Ethiopia

2011-09-01T08:03:00.001-05:00

Another update!!! I have been anxiously anticipating this so without further ado...click the link below and read on. Oh, and I got an email from David today. He is having a wonderful time, is safe, and is working hard. I'm hoping we can chat on messenger later today. If we do, I will update again. Please pray we can because I miss my husband more than words can say.

Ordinary Hero Blog: Team 3 ~ Day 1 in Ethiopia: Here is an update from our Team 3 this year who just spent their first day in Ethiopia. Delilah from the trip is our blogger updater. This i...

Quick Update from Ethiopia

2011-08-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

Click the link below to follow David's trip. This will be my only communication with him as well for the next 10 days so we will be reading along together. Keep praying for him and selfishly I ask for prayers for me. I have never gone even 1 day without talking to him so this is already hard. I am thinking about him constantly and wishing by the grace of God that an email or random text would just appear from him. But, at the same time, I don't want him thinking about me or how to figure out a way to reach me...I want him to be too busy changing the world for Jesus!!!!

Ordinary Hero Blog: New OH Team Off To Ethiopia!!: I am soooo excited to announce that this OH Mission Team left yesterday for Ethiopia. This was not a team we publicized to get people to j...

He's Off.

2011-08-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning the kids and I took David to the airport to meet up with the rest of the team that is traveling to Ethiopia. It was like the exhale to a deep breath that I had been holding for a few months. I'm still amazed. I stand in awe of the One who provided this opportunity for David and I stand proud of my man for being obedient and having such a willing heart and spirit. He will be missing about 10-12 days of work which includes the ever-so-important inventory and profits/loss paperwork. Normally, we have planned every single trip around the end of the months so he wouldn't have to miss these things, but without hesitation he just taught the general manager how to do it all and left CONFIDENT that all would be fine. That is God's grace!

Anyways, we spent Saturday night packing, repacking, and checking/rechecking the packing list I had made for him. We weighed luggage at least a million times to make sure NOTHING would stop us from getting the supplies on board that plane. We enjoyed spending this special time together. When I was a traveling nurse almost 10 years ago, I learned how to pack a car with all of my belongings so as to be able to travel to wherever I would be working for the next 3 months. I think that came in handy while we were packing as you would not believe how much i got into a small duffel bag and back pack. I'm talking rain boots, 6 days worth of clothes, toiletries, etc... It was a tight fit, but a fit nonetheless! As I was getting him all packed up, I was slightly envious that I was not going to be going with him this time, and then the Lord clearly showed me that I am David's helpmate and that is huge. While I may not be going with him, I am making sure that he gets off without a hitch. And I could not be more honored to take care of my man like this!

I did hear from him last night. He flew out of Nashville, to Atlanta, then up to Washington DC. All flights were on time (thank you Jesus for commanding Hurricane Irene to back off and move on). The team checked into a hotel in DC last night and had a HUGE protein meal as it's likely this will be the last bit of protein they will get for a while. They are set to leave for Ethiopia this morning and that will be a LOOONG 13 hour non-stop flight. As I type, they are checking bags and getting ready to go through security so pray that all of that goes smoothly again today. They will arrive in Addis Adaba, Ethiopia at 7:45 tomorrow morning. That would be midnight tonight central time.
Pray that they get there safely, that they get through customs without any problems. We've been told that if the customs officers choose to go through the bags and see all of the things we have brought to leave there, that they may make them get a work visa, they make charge an insanely amount of bag tax, and they may even take things out of the bags and keep them. The team plans to go through customs seperately so as not to look like a huge group.

I will keep updating as I get updates so check back often.

Update on Ethiopia

2011-08-19T07:24:00.000-05:00

By the grace of God and your generosity, we have been fully funded for the trip to Ethiopia! It has been absolutely amazing to sit and watch God work all of this out and bring the Ephesians 3:20 scripture alive right before our very eyes. And not only that, but we have gotten 80 soccer jerseys and 20 soccer balls donated to us. I am literally blown away at the generosity and the hearts that people have for the people of Ethiopia. Too bad this stuff isn't what is being reported on the 6:00 news, huh?
As the days draw near for departure...we are down to just 9 days...I ask that everyone who reads this to put David and the mission team in your prayers. I truly believe their worlds are going to be rocked and changed as much as the people they will be serving. Pray for their safety, their physical strength and mental/emotional well being. They will be in the heart of a third world country that is currently experiencing a famine and while they will be desperate to help everyone, the truth of the matter is that they just won't be able to. I know how this will affect them. Imagine for just one minute that your own child (or niece, nephew, grandchild) was living in a trash dump, or an orphange looking for food, begging to get even just a morsel of something, and continually wondering when their next bite of food would be coming to them. I can't hardly think about it without tearing up. I can't imagine Chloe and Brody being in those circumstances. So, this will be hard for the team to see, process, and understand.
Also focus your prayers please on the families that they will be coming into contact with. Pray that their physical needs will begin to be met and that their eyes and hearts would be open to see the love of Jesus through our team. Pray for the time that our team is with them that they can just put aside the worries they have and enjoy what our team has in store for them.

More updates in a week or so. And again, thank you so much for your kind and generous donations. We are humbled, we are grateful, and we are blessed!

*just a side note...I say "we" a lot through this post like I am going too, but I am not. I just feel so much a part of this trip that I can't help but say it like I am going to :)

This is Becoming So Real Feeling...

2011-08-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

The book I mean. The publishing company that I am almost sure I am going to go with just keeps coming at me in various ways. Could it be God giving me some not-so-subtle- hints? What do you think? Since I wrote my last post, every single time I have been on the internet checking email or just searching whatever, this company's logo comes up. NEVER HAS HAPPENED BEFORE! I contacted my pastor about the book he published and the process he had to go through, and it turned out that he published with the same company. Another friend of mine is writing a book and she emailed to tell me that she too has chosen that company.
I am getting more and more excited over this opportunity and have already written 22 pages. Believe me when I say that I know that it doesn't sound like a lot, but I've only covered about 1 month of my story so it really is. I know how I want the layout of the book and each chapter to look, journal entries will be included as will some of the personal emails I received. Today it also crossed my mind to not forget to include the adorable things that Chloe would say or ask during those crazy two years also.
I don't know what I will end up doing for now. But I do know that I am going to keep writing when I have time and keep praying until I am 100% sure of what God would have me to do.

Writing A Book

2011-08-13T21:29:00.000-05:00

So, a while back I contacted a publishing company very well known in the Christian Book world...Thomas Nelson. Their books line the shelves of LifeWay. I just wanted some information on writing a book about my 2 year struggle through breast cancer and all that comes with the diagnosis...including God's provision. After I sent the email though, I never really thought too much about it except when random people would say, "you should write a book." Honestly, I love to write and always have! It's very therapeutic for me and I also like having a written record of specific seasons in my life and how God has always been there for me even when I couldn't feel Him.
Anyways, a little over a week ago, I submitted just a couple of pages of the book I have been working on to a guy at Thomas Nelson. And...last week I got a call from him encouraging me to keep writing as there is a definite need for non-medical breast cancer books for young women (under 40). And I totally agree with that because almost every breast cancer book on the shelf is written by a doctor, or by a woman with grown children and possibly even grandchildren. There wasn't one book that I could find written by a gal who had babies at home to take care of and all of the responsibilities that come with mother-hood all while having surgeries, lots of chemo, and daily radiation. Just the logistics of it all is enough to drive anyone coo-koo! I wish there had been a book that I could have picked up and read so that I would not have felt so alone at times and wondering how to do this season of life. Something I could have read to say, "oh, it IS normal when your toddler asks about cancer everyday and dying and heaven..."
So, I am writing my book, and praying about what to do with it as I get further into it. I just know that the Thomas Nelson company told me that if I partnered with them that I could have a book on the shelves by Christmas. Oooh, it's exciting, but I am praying through what to do with my book as I continue writing it. Regardless of what I do with it, I am writing it and at the very least, it will be something that I will have for my family to read for generations to come and they will be able to see God's amazing provision in the big details right down to the tiniest of them.

REST (aka Sabbath)

2011-08-10T16:37:00.001-05:00

So a few months ago one of my closest friends, EW, and I traveled to Louisville, Kentucky to the Deeper Still conference. While there, we were privileged to sit under the teachings of Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer, and Beth Moore. And to be led into the presence of God by the amazing Travis Cottrell. This has been a dream of mine for years so for me to be in the presence of such Godly women was a complete blessing.
I have to say that at first, I was most excited to hear Beth Moore because she is the one who I have studied under the most as far as Bible studies go. HOWEVER...when Priscilla Shirer got up to teach, I was captivated and still to this day am remembering things randomly that she said and really trying to put them into practice in my own life. So, what did she speak on? Are you wondering? Well, I can tell you that at first you may think you know everything there is to know about this topic, but I can promise you she brought a new understanding of it for me... and I think you should keep reading because it may impact you as much as it did me. So, without further ado, the topic was SABBATH!
Seems easy, huh? Rest on Sunday. Rest on the 7th day as God did. Isn't that what you automatically think of when you hear that word? I do...or I did. So, let's get on with it. Priscilla started with some questions. Think on them and evaluate yourself. I'll put my answers in red so you can see what I struggle with as you evaluate your own struggles.
1. Am I so addicted to chaos that I can't even enjoy a rest or a break? YES!!! I love the crazy busyness that I have in my life...or I thought I did.
2. What do I OVER-DO in my life? material things for the kids, exercise, dessert, buying tons of books - I LOVE LOVE LOVE non-fiction and anything from Lifeway.
3. What is taking up so much space in my life that I can't even enjoy it? (and it can even be good things!) my day to day life and what all I have planned for the children
4. Is there breathing room in my home? not really; there are too many books, toys, magazines
5. What frustrates me? that my kids feel entitled to things now, that I am a totally all or none kinda girl when it comes to food and exercise
6. What has become distasteful to me? that I am not able to ENJOY my children because of our schedules
7. What are my priorities? quiet time with God, my family, keeping the house cleaned and the family fed, doctor appointments to keep my health in check, meeting with my Godly girlfriends periodically to check in and share struggles and "God-stories."
8. Am I anxious when my calendar isn't full? YES!!!! Can I live in the white space of the calendar? I am learning how to do so.
9. What am I enslaved to now? the voice of the enemy telling me that for my sanity I need to keep the calendar full of activities
10. What do I have a hard time saying "no" to? play-dates, outings, shopping, anything sweet, my kids

So, did you answer them? Good! Now, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Over-doing it will transfer into every area of your life making it all distasteful and foul...just like in Exodus 16. Moses told the Israelites that could gather food each day for 6 days, but on the 6th day they needed to gather a double portion because they were not allowed to gather food on the Sabbath. What did they do instead? They tried to gather enough for leftovers on the other days also and it ended up becoming full of maggots and had a terrible smell. Kind of like when we over-do it...things turn into a mess real quick with our attitudes, physical space, health etc...

Learning how to rest is essential to our well-being. It is ordered by the Lord. He tells us in Psalm to "be still..." He says in Deuteronomy, "you shall not do any work." There must be a time when we stop ALL things and say NO to something.
Now, does that mean we have to say no to everything on one day of the week? On Sunday to be more specific? NO!!! That is NOT what the Sabbath truly means. As a matter of fact, the Sabbath, by true definition, is when we stop to remember that we were enslaved to something and were in bondage to a yoke of sin. It is a time to remember God's provision and how he rescued us from that enslavement, and then remember the promises he has given us. What the Sabbath is, is a principle to guard against becoming enslaved to anything again. It is a margin of time to remember...not necessarily a day. Wouldn't it be more effective to take a Sabbath EVERY day instead of just one day/week, or never (gasp!)?

So, since this conference, I have cleared the calendar and have enjoyed my time so much more with my family. I haven't felt the pressure of being places with them at certain times and then getting frustrated with them when they were moving slow. I've been able to enjoy watching their little imaginations run wild instead of having them in structured activities all of the time. And when I feel the urge to say "yes" to something...even the good things...I am learning to stop, pray, and then do what God says.

Now I will leave you with a little food for thought...
Living as an enslaved person will have you hoarding what you are given and then thinking you never have enough. But living as a free person will have you giving and then knowing that God will miraculously provide for you.

The Word is Alive

2011-07-29T08:27:00.001-05:00

The Lord has given me a new piece of Scripture for this season of my life. He is so faithful to do that because He knows exactly what we need to cling to at the exact time that we need it. That just goes to prove that His Word is alive!!! So a few months ago I had a crazy dream (pretty sure I blogged it already) that I had to stand in front of a camera for a music video and recite Ephesians 3:20. It was so clear to me that the second I woke up I grabbed my Bible and opened it to see what exactly God was showing me. Here is what my Bible says: Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
I asked David if he would mind if I shared a bit of our story on here as I totally believe in bragging on God in the most true and detailed way that I can while still respecting the wishes of my family. Of course he was fine with me sharing it with my blog family because honestly if it changes the kingdom for just one person, then it's worth it!!!! Have I mentioned just how much I really do love this husband of mine? Anyways, here is the back story...when I was diagnosed with cancer, David was put on the back burner. He never complained about it, and kept all of his feelings to himself. He thought he was doing the right thing because everyone he came into contact with would ask how I was doing and then follow it up with "just be strong for her." That meant don't talk about the "what-ifs..." Just stay positive even when she isn't you have to be. Well, that turned into emotional turmoil that no one knew anything about. It kept building and building until one day he told me how he was feeling and just let it all out. I was SHOCKED! I guess I naievely thought that he was doing just fine since he never indicated otherwise, but I learned in that instance that what he needed was to feel like God had not abandoned him. That God still loved him more than anything on earth, and that he still had a purpose. He needed for our friends to understand what he was going through yet none of our friends had been down our exact road...especially in regards to him being a business owner, having an infant and toddler, and a young wife with aggressive cancer. He had a lot on his plate...running his business, taking me to surgeries and caring for me afterwards, chemos, taking care of the kids, home needs etc... To him, it felt like God was there a little, but just in the background watching it all happen. Watching his internal thermometer get ready to combust. At that point, I started praying and asking God to please send David a strong mentor who could speak truths into his life, I prayed for his relationship with Christ to return to the state it had been and then be multiplied 10 times over. I prayed for him to just be able to be broken when he needed to and let God show him His perfect love and comfort. I prayed these prayers for over a year. I knew that I was praying God's will because everything I prayed was scriptural so it was just a matter of waiting for God to answer.
During that year of praying, we did have some rough patches. Upon the advice of our pastor at church, we sought out counseling to help us both work through our feelings. I was still angry that my reconstruction didn't work, that I had been put through 7 surgeries over a 2 year time frame, that I was still suffering effects from chemo and radiation and that my body image had changed majorly making a whole new set of issues. I was angry that 3 friends in chemo at the same time I was had died, and one of those was my best friend Kate. And then I was angry because I felt angry. I wanted nothing more than to feel blessed and thankful for the miracles God had already performed in my life. It was a constant battle. Do you know that 70% of couples who face cancer will have their marriage end in divorce? So, we knew that couldn't be us and opted to start counseling! What a blessing that was.
But then the counseling ended and we were still trying to adjust to the new norm in our lives. Our babies were now toddlers, my check-ups were stretched to every 4- 6 months with scans and blood work, we went through some difficulties with some "friends" of ours, and had to start making choices - real life choices in regards to our priorities. Those were tough and we felt the effects of those choices negatively from a world standpoint, but ever so positive from the Kingdom standpoint.
Anyways, this whole time I could see David teetering on the edge of going full force with Jesus and being crazy in love with Him and many many times I thought he was there. That my one more prayer would be the one to knock him over to the other side of the fence (is that pride?). And then something would happen and I would get frustrated and tell God I was done asking. But by His grace, the next day or week, there David was...closer than ever! It went like this for a while.
Then...one morning I was walking with my friend KB and I mentioned that I had been praying for a mentor to come into David's life and she said her husband was looking for someone to mentor. WOW!!!! So, we kind of planned it and set them two up on a coffee "man-date" and what was originally going to just be one day has turned into a set time and day to meet, have coffee, and talk life. David loves knowing that he has that guy to go to and run things by and just confide in. And he knows JB will shoot straight with him too...just like KB does with me :)
Anyways, the week after the mentoring started, JB casually mentioned Ethiopia to David and he was 100% fully on board to go on the mission trip. He took a few days to pray about it and then KNEW that God was calling him to go. So without really having any details, he committed to going and I knew God was up to something big!
Since committing, we have been fundraising for the money to be able to go. The trip costs $3100, vaccines are $250, and then whatever money he will need for food, etc... We prayed about how to get this much money in such a short time frame, did what we could, and literally sat back and let God do the rest. May I just say that He has provided almost every single dollar of this trip so far?!? I think we are just about $500 away from the final goal. And the final payment isn't due until August 20th.
And, without any detail really, I will say that I feel like God is impressing something on my heart as well right now and He has shown me so far how each step along the journey has been all orchestrated by him. I'm just praying my Ephesians 3:20 and am going to watch him do more than I could ever imagine.
Be bold in your prayers. Be confident in the Lord. Ask expectantly! He is our father who loves us perfectly and He wants to give us the desires of our hearts.

What's Been Happening Here

2011-07-26T19:52:00.001-05:00

Well, to start off with, LOTS has been going on with Team Blevins. So much so that I have been blogging it mostly on the family blog and have neglected this one. Sorry! I will try to catch up on things here though and share a few new things that are going on too.
I guess the most exciting thing health-wise is that I had my 6 month MRI scan last week...this one was to check on the lymph node that was growing behind my sternum. Other than the 5 IV sticks and massive bruising from them (I still have them and one is about the size of a tennis ball), everything went great! I assumed I would not hear from the doctor until the end of the week so when the phone rang I was a little nervous...you know the saying, no news is good news. So for the call to come less than 24 hours after I was scanned was alarming. However, the nurse on the phone said that the MRI showed no growth in that lymph node and it had actually shrunken since the last one. THEREFORE...I need no more breast MRI's unless something comes up that is odd and needs to be checked. YAY!!!! And because some people have questioned whether it is okay to not be checked anymore since I had breast cancer, let me explain the reason. Breast MRI's are mostly done on women who have had reconstruction surgery or only a lumpectomy. I have no breast tissue left, no reconstruction and therefore no reason to scan. If any changes occur, I will be able to feel them in the chest wall when I do a self exam. So, yes, I still have to do those. Also for the next 3 years I will still be seeing my oncologist for a check up and blood work every 4-6 months, so she will be keeping a close eye on me.
As for my other bit of health news...yesterday I did have another type of scan. A bone scan. No worries though. I think my doc was just being precautious. I started running again about 10-11 weeks ago and forgot that my body just doesn't do as well as it did pre-cancer. I got what we thought was shin splints so bad that I could hardly walk, but with the standard RICE treatment they were still not healed. Well, they were better as long as I stayed off of them. And my mistake was doing a 6 miler a week ago because I really thought they were healed enough. So, given that the pain is still there my doctor wanted a scan to see if there is a fracture. I'll get results Friday...oh, and that was another 3 needle sticks because of the tracer they had to inject. My poor veins just will not cooperate so for both scans I ended up with needles to my feet. OUCH!

And I have more to update on but it is time for laundry to be switched over and the kids to be put to bed so I will save it for tomorrow. It's exciting GOD stuff!

Africa Bound...

2011-07-12T14:54:00.002-05:00

I seriously doubt that what I am about to write could be any more exciting than this: David is going to Africa...in approximately 50 days!!! At the end of August, he will go with 9 other people (mostly from Clarksville) to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to love on some sweet little orphans, help rebuild a boarding school, and spend time investing in the lives of adults and children who live in a trash dump (more on that in a minute).

This has literally been the most unexpected thing to happen to our family in 2 years! We would have NEVER thought that this would be happening, but when Jesus calls, you either obey or you wind up in the belly of a whale (you remember what happened to Jonah!). So, we are stepping out in faith and just trusting Jesus. I say "we" but truly it's David as I will be staying behind on this trip and praying fervently for David, the other team members, and the people of Ethiopia who they will meet (and selfishly that the Lord calls me to go one day also).

Anyways, while they are there, the team will do 3 projects as I briefly mentioned earlier. They will work on a project at Resurrection Orphanage where our dear friends met their beautiful daughter (they brought her home 6 months ago). They will also travel to a place called Korah, a literal trash dump where an entire community lives off of the trash brought there. It is painfully heart-wrenching to know that these people have to go through trash to find food for themselves and their children. Can you even begin to imagine that being your life?!? In Korah they will partner with an organization called Project 61 to help them with whatever they need. Finally, they will complete a project at the boarding school where children from Korah are able to attend by sponsorship through Project 61.

The trip will be 10 days long and costs $3000. That price includes everything except a few meals and any souvenirs that David may want to purchase to help stimulate their economy. We have prayerfully considered how to get this much money is such a short time frame and honestly, I have had some anxiety over it. HOWEVER, I KNOW that Jesus has specifically called David to this mission and that He will provide exactly what we need. He always does. Thankfully, the organization that this trip is through - Ordinary Hero - has a great fundraising program. If you will check out their website store by clicking on this link Ordinary Hero Store, you will see many amazing items that you can purchase and 40% of your cost will go directly to David's account! All you have to do at checkout is click on David's name in the "Affiliate" box and it's done. Simple! I have already chosen 3 T-shirts for me and the kids to wear and I'm telling you they are absolutely adorable! They also have jewelry, accessories, etc... Just go check it out for yourselves though and see. AND...if by some chance you don't see anything that appeals to you, but you want to help us out, then you can click on the button on the side of my blog that says OH and donate to David that way, or you can donate directly to him. If you choose a direct donation though, the check will need to be made out to Ordinary Hero. And if you are unable to help out financially, then we ask that you would PLEASE help out by praying for David and the entire Ethiopia team. Pray that they will have safe travels, have the physical and mental strength that they will need while they are there, and that they will come back shining the light of Jesus even more than they already do. Pray that the Ethiopians that they will come into contact with will see that they are loved and cared for. Pray for their health, security, and salvation. And pray for those sweet little orphans to find forever families.

Thanks for reading this entirely long and informative post. I will post periodic updates as to where we are with our fundraising efforts mainly so you can see how Jesus is providing and how you can still help if you feel you are called to do so. Feel free to copy, paste, and forward this blog link to anyone you know who may want to help change a life and become an "ordinary hero."

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the timelines for funds being due which is where some of my anxiety lies...EEEK! July 20th is the first due date for $1400 and August 20th is the final payment due date of $1500. Whew...typing that just increased my heart rate...trust Jesus, trust Jesus, trust Jesus is my new mantra!!!

Hugs to each of you!

New Experience

2011-06-14T15:27:00.001-05:00

Today marks a first for me. Oh, before I get into my experience though, I guess I should update by saying that my brain MRI came back totally normal and my CT Scan came back showing a new lung nodule, no growths in the others, and a new kidney stone. We still have no idea what the nodules in the lungs are, but that's okay because no growth = no cancer! Thank you Jesus! I think we have been praise dancing around here since we got the news. This is the first time since my initial diagnosis that I can honestly say that my husband was a nervous wreck. It was determined that since there is no cancer spread that my tremors, nausea, etc... were an indication that one of my medications was just building up in my system too much and was causing negative effects. The dose was cut in half and my tremors are almost all gone and the other "symptoms" are totally gone.
Now, on to my experience. Today, after my Bible study, I took the kids to eat at OUR Chick-fil-A. As I was coming back from the bathroom with them, there were 2 sheriff deputies sitting in a booth. The larger one nods at me all the while staring at my chest and then whispers something to his partner who then proceeds to start staring at me and whispers something back. When they saw me watching this whole thing, they both diverted their eyes. While I couldn't hear what they were saying, I KNOW that they were talking about the fact that I have no breasts. And of course now that I am home, I could think of 18000 things I could have said to them (that's probably the Holy Spirit keeping me from losing my religion. ha!) And of course David was at a meeting in Nashville today so I couldn't even go tell him (again, probably the Holy Spirit protecting David from losing his religion with them.) They are not regular customers of ours...as a matter of fact, our 2 managers said they had never seen those 2 deputies in our store before, so I guess it's good that I likely will not see them again.
This is the first time I have witnessed someone talking about my "situation." It ticks me off, makes me sad, and embarasses me. I start questioning if I shouldn't have worn the outfit I chose today, but I actually was looking and feeling pretty cute in it until that happened. I start wondering how many other people actually talk about me and I just don't know it. But then, something else happens. I remember that God has told me I am beautiful (Psalm 45:11), that my identity is in Christ, and that my suffering in this present body is totally worth the Kingdom's cause. And nothing can top that!

Conversations

2011-06-01T22:05:00.001-05:00

I was talking to my dad earlier today and we had a pretty good conversation. Well, it was really good to be honest. We were talking about the current situation with not knowing if the cancer was back or not, and I was able to just articulate that I am finally at a place where I can say (and really mean it) that regardless of the results, I know my purpose is to bring glory to God, so however He sees fit is really fine with me. I desperately want to live my life to point to Him. I want people to look at me and not see Kelly, but see Jesus. I know I have such a long way to go, and every single day I fall, but by grace I fall right into His arms. He picks me up, dusts me off, and tells me to go back out into the world and try again.

And another conversation I had Sunday has really weighed on my mind (in a good way). I was talking to our pastor's wife and told her that I just wanted to live long enough to see my children come to Christ so that I could KNOW that I would see them again. Then I told her about how Chloe, my 4 year old, already tells me that she loves and trusts Jesus, and then tells me that she knows and believes Jesus died on the cross and now lives in heaven. She will tell you that Jesus forgives all the bad things we do etc... And while i was telling Christy this, she kind of looked at me like "Chloe is so there." It's the faith of a child. She has professed her beliefs and she will only grow in her knowledge and faith from this point on. I cannot even tell you how happy my heart is when I see how much my little girl loves Jesus. She will sing this song with me all the time by Building 429 and there is one part where she will lift her hands and sing "take this world and give me Jesus..this is not where I belong." She sings it with such conviction too! I need to video her and just put it on here. And another song part she sings and raises her little hands goes "I am lifting empty hands cause I was made for you..." And Brody, well he is learning and soaking it all in as well. He's got his favorite song about going "one foot, one foot at a time." And he is learning that God made everything. I pray that my children change the world for Jesus. That they will do infinitely more for the Kingdom than I could ever imagine.

So, those have been some conversation bits that I just wanted to get written out before they became a lost memory. These have such meaning to me and hopefully they will to someone else too.

Hello...Hello???

2011-06-01T08:40:00.001-05:00

Just an update to say that I had my scans done yesterday so now I am just waiting on my phone to ring. I'm going to be busy today so that I don't just sit and stare at it trying to will it to ring. I got lucky yesterday though...only 2 sticks before they got an IV. It's generally a 3-5 stick process so I consider myself pretty lucky. And...I even got a little nap in the MRI scanner! Who does that?!? It is ridiculously loud. Anyways, it was a nice little 25 minute nap.
Now for a funny story about yesterday. My friend Cortni went down to Vanderbilt with me. About 1/2 way there, we remembered that the 13 year cicadas are out and are EVERYWHERE!!! Oh heavens! Those things are crazy large, and crazy loud! Anyways, as I am driving there, a few small swarms come towards the car and hit the windshield...I have never seen bigger dead bug marks ever! GROSS!!! So Cortni and I start planning to just valet park so that the cicadas have no chance of crashing into us or landing on us and just staying there. Seriously, they have no care about humans and will just land right on anyone. OK, so we get there and there is a relatively close parking space so we brace ourselves and take off running across the parking lot so as to not get attacked. We made it in and the valet guy was staring at us like we were nuts. I proudly told him we were just running from the cicadas. Then he knew we were crazy. Anyways, after the scans and on our way back out, we heard someone doing lawn work...weed wacking to be exact. Uhhh, NOPE. It was the dang cicadas. I'm telling you they are everywhere and vicious. So I get my keys out and we take off running back across the parking lot and hop in the car, check each other's backs and head out of there. It was hysterically frightening, and a nice distraction for the day.
I can just picture God laughing at us and what we must have looked like running and eeeeking at everyone of those dang things. Thank you Lord for the great distraction and thank you more for not letting one of those ginormous things hit me or land on me.

Testing Testing 1.2.3

2011-05-26T19:36:00.001-05:00

So the symptoms have not stopped or even slowed down at all. As a matter of fact, since I last wrote, my husband has noticed an increase in the hand tremors and insisted I call my oncologist and not wait the 2 weeks. I also, since then, have had a headache so bad that I begged David to take me to Vanderbilt in the middle of the night, but we didn't go because it was the middle of the night and our kids were sound asleep. It took 8 Motrin and 1 Imitrex to finally let up enough to allow me sleep. I have never in my life experienced anything like that. I'm now on medicine in addition to the Prilosec to try to help control the nausea. I guess the one positive of always feeling sick is that I may lose a few pounds.
I've been on all ends of the emotional spectrum. One minute I am fine and standing firm in the Truth and God's promises, and the next minute I am a basketcase from not knowing what, if anything, is going on in my body. My poor husband has really had to deal with my moods on top of his own fears as to what may be going on with me.
I told my mom though that one thing is for sure. If the scans do indicate a spread of cancer, it will be GAME ON! I will fight the beast just as I did before and I will not give up.
So...come Tuesday morning, I will be having a brain MRI, and a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT. Hopefully I will know results by Wednesday afternoon. I will be sure to update. Until then, I am going to take the kids to Huntsville tomorrow to visit my brother who is in the Army and is down there on official business. He has the day off so we are going to go spend the night and spend time with him. I can't wait.

Pity-Party Warning

2011-05-20T22:53:00.001-05:00

I'm just gonna be real honest here and say that I am in the midst of a major pity party and I am gonna stay here for a little bit and just get some feelings out. After all, this is my journal and if I can't be real here, then for the love of Jesus, where can I be?
I saw my oncologist yesterday for a regular 6 month check-up. I went in knowing all was going to be just fine, but decided to still mention a few things that were "off" for me. Honestly, I didn't think anything of the symptoms and really thought Dr. Mayer wouldn't either. However, as I was explaining them all to her and she was probing for more information, I came out of there worried and feeling like I had already been diagnosed with metastasis. Oooh, I can just cry right now thinking about it. I've been having some nausea for almost 2 weeks. Nothing major, nothing to take medicine for, not a big deal. I've also been having some bad hand shaking on the right side and some extremely mild shaking on the left. I just assumed it was no big deal. I also have sometimes where I feel out of body like. And that one is just hard to describe unless you have ever had it, but again, I didn't think anything of it. Well, turns out that all of those symptoms coupled with some headaches I have been having (which I assumed were just allergies) COULD be a problem.
So, for the next 2 weeks, I have to keep a detailed journal of all symptoms. After that, I will notify Dr. Mayer and we will go from there. If she deems it necessary, I will have a brain MRI in 2 weeks and a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT Scan.
I just feel so alone right now. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like I did 2 years ago when I was waiting on biopsy results. I had a "near" panic attack driving home from the grocery store today because I think deep down I associate coming home to my house with a bunch of bad memories of surgeries/chemo/pain/sadness etc... I feel like no one understands and while I know I need to pray about all of this and "not worry" I get so ticked off when friends say that to me. What I really want to say is "no crap I need to pray about it! What do you think I have been doing for the past 2 years?!? Quit giving me advice on things you know nothing about. Yeah, everyone has problems, but not everyone has the very real possiblity of hearing "you have this many months to live so get your things in order." I'm tired of people comparing apples to oranges. I don't pretend to know what others are going through if I have never been through it myself, so don't pretend to know how I feel. UGH! Know what I do when my friends are having financial, marital, or other problems? I don't say "oh, I know how you feel. Try not to worry about it." Nope, I ask them if I can pray for them if I am with them, and if I'm not physically with them, I will either pray for them on the phone or just send some encouraging notes.
Well, now the tears are really flowing and I feel pretty broken. Luckily, My wonderful husband suggested we come to Nashville and stay this evening with the kids to get away from the house and do something fun. We ate out, went swimming in the hotel pool, and tomorrow we will visit the zoo. I am grateful to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me. He truly is my knight in shining armor and I don't know what my life would look like without him. I better stop whining now and try to go to sleep so we can have a great day at the zoo tomorrow.
Trusting that the Lord will comfort me and lead me to the Rock that is higher than I am because my heart is truly overwhelmed tonight.

More Than You Can Imagine

2011-05-14T22:02:00.001-05:00

God has been working overtime! Not that He isn't always at work and in every single detail of my life, but seriously, I have seen Him and heard Him more in the past 2 weeks than I have in a long time. Without getting into too much detail here is the story.
There is one person that I have been praying for over the past 14 months. Now, if you have ever prayed for 1 particular person or thing for that long, you know how discouraging it can be to continually pray, beg, expect and then have NOTHING happen. I said on numerous occasions that I was going to just stop praying about this particular situation/person. Of course that didn't last long because I knew without a doubt that what I was praying for was God's will. I was praying specific Scripture for this person so I knew that God wasn't just saying "no." It was just that I was going to have to wait. And what happened while I was waiting? Things got worse before they got better. Things got much worse! At this point, I was really done praying. I was hurt, angry, embarrassed, etc... and I certainly was not going to keep asking God to intervene in this person's life. Again, that lasted about a week and then I was back on it.
Well, 2 weeks ago, the Lord starting answering. At first, it was just in subtle changes. Little things. Then, I started to see more and more of God's work in this person. And now, today, let's just say that I am more than amazed at how God is answering this prayer of mine.
It's actually crazy how this has happened. You see, a week or so ago I had a dream and all that I remember from it was that I was being video-taped reading Ephesians 3:20. You better believe that as soon as my feet hit the floor the next morning, I was grabbing my Bible to see what Word the Lord gave me as I slept. Get this...it says "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Little did I know when I got this Scripture that the amazing changes I am currently seeing would be happening. I think I am used to just praying and asking for the bare minimum...just an answer. I need to get used to praying for God to answer all things in the most unimaginable and amazing way ever...because HE IS ABLE!

So, to all of my blogger friends out there, pray, ask, and just know that God can blow you away with His answers in ways that even you cannot imagine. Isn't that so exciting?!?

Sunday is Coming!

2011-04-24T16:39:00.003-05:00

Thank you Lord for Friday, but good gracious, PRAISE THE LORD FOR SUNDAY!!!

Breaking Free

2011-04-04T14:19:00.001-05:00

I am in the midst of a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free. I think I actually mentioned it a few weeks ago on here. Anyways, the study is all about the strongholds we have, obstacles we carry that prevent us from having the freedom Christ came for, and benefits of having that freedom. And now we are finally to the part of HOW to get that freedom and let go of the strongholds. Couldn't be a better time for this part of the study because I know what mine are, I know the obstacles I have and the benefits there are for me when I do let go of these obstacles. I'm just ready to proclaim the freedom that is mine. Galations 5:1 says "It was for our freedom that Christ came to set us free." He desperately wants us to live the liberated life, to allow the chains to be broken, and heal our broken hearts.

Since my last post, I have invested much time in the Word and have come to a point where I can really say that I am trying ever so hard to be free and give the ridiculously low self esteem to God. I have memorized Scripture, spent time praying, spent time listening for answers, surrounded myself with Godly friends, and continued to eat super healthy and exercise. I feel good...like really really good. I have more energy, I am in a better mood, and I feel like I am being a better mom and wife. I am trying to surrender to the process that God has me going through right now but like most things, some days are better than others. Somehow Satan always can find a way in, but I am recognizing those ways more and more. He's a pretty crafty character. Spiritual warfare is no joke people. What is the verse that says the Satan is like a hungry lion looking and waiting for someone to devour? If there were a visible lion looking at me and waiting to pounce on me, I would run for the hills as quick as these 2 legs could carry me, so why wouldn't I, and you too, do the same since the Bible compares Satan to the same thing?

Anyways, I need to get back to my responsibilities around here, but before I do, there is one scripture I want to share that God gave me after my last post.
Psalm 45:11 - The king is enthralled with your beauty; honor Him for He is your Lord.

Isn't God so loving and good and tender and merciful?

Very Vulnerable

2011-03-29T22:51:00.001-05:00

Well, I am really going to put myself out there in this post, and it's for no other reason than accountability. I NEED some friends to really remind me of who I am in Christ and make sure I am staying true to who I really am in Him.
Here's the issue...and I will warn you that I am a little nervous about writing this, but along with accountability, journaling is also very therapeutic for me so there are added benefits. I have been struggling really bad for about 3 months with extremely low self-esteem. Like really low! As in I cannot look at myself in the mirror without thinking these words "ugly, fat, gross, scar laden, non-feminine, disgusting" and the list could go on. It's not something that I can easily control. I can't just look in the mirror and say "I am none of those things", because I truly feel that I am. And, it doesn't help the issue that a girl in my small group at church asked me the other night, "so how is it being overweight?" WHAT?!?! Yeah, she really said that and then continued on with a few more statements that were mind-numbingly ridiculous. Now granted, she has legs the size of a toothpick, but when I look at her, I think, "man, I wish I were a size 0 and my collarbones stuck out." Anyone else would probably think that she could stand to gain some pounds. But no, not me. And the problem is that even when I was a size 4 on my wedding day, I STILL thought I was enormous. It's crazy, I know.
So, what am I going to do about this? EVERYTHING that I can. I am working out with a trainer 3 days/week. I am on a very very healthy eating plan. I went to get fitted for prosthetics (against my desire, but following the advice of the counselor I have been seeing since the cancer), called about the ABC (after breast cancer) program at the YMCA, and am trying to say positive statements about my physical self. I am also trying to find scripture to help and praying through this. I just need a break-through. I want to make progress. I want to be confident and secure in who I am. I want accountability. So, what I need from you guys is encouragement either through Scripture you feel led to share with me, or just by praying for me.
So, the cat is out of the bag. Don't judge, please. And please don't tell me that I should just be happy to be alive. I AM!!! Believe me I am! Don't tell me "it's just boobs, they are a dime a dozen." Remember, I tried reconstruction and they were not a dime a dozen, or even thousands of dollars for 2. I can't be reconstructed and that's hard to deal with sometimes. I say this because I have been told these 2 irritating statements on numerous occasions. Oh, and there is the "it's just hair, it's over-rated and it will grow back eventually." Yeah, I really hated that ridiculous way of thinking even though I really didn't mind my bald self.
OK - enough. I must get sleep as 4:45 will come really soon.

New Perspective

2011-03-22T18:35:00.001-05:00

In my community group at church, we are studying the book of Philippians through a workbook/video series by Matt Chandler. He is the lead pastor at The Village Church in Dallas, TX. And I should say that in my book, he ranks right up there with Steven Furtick and Craig Groeschel. All wonderful mentors through their teachings and amazing examples of sold-out-for-Jesus men. Anyways, back to my topic. Two weeks ago we were talking about being discontent and that it is actually okay to not be fully content with your life...your spiritual life that is! It's true. Should we ever be happy with where we are in our relationship with Jesus? Nope...I don't believe so. I think we should always crave more of Him and seek Him out always. We should always want a better prayer life, more time with Christ, more time studying His Word, and more time hearing from Him. We referred to this as Holy Discontentment. Where in your life are you discontented? For me, it's my prayer life. I really really want a more effective and more consistent time in prayer not just talking to God, but also listening in silence to Him. I tend to start thinking about random things during my prayer time and I hate that. I do have a prayer journal that I keep though and that has helped this discontentment somewhat (again, I think I will always have holy discontentment). I have 4 categories...David, Kelly, Other Family, and Friends. I write down every single prayer need that I can think of or that people tell me about. That helps me focus and then at the end of each month, I highlight the ones that have been answered and re-write the ones that haven't for the next month.

Then there is the topic of Eternal Perspective. Boy do I need that!!! So many things can really get me worked up and anxious, irritated, upset, angry, etc... Things like my kids fighting, crazy people on the road, betrayal by friends, rudeness, etc... I think we all get worked up over things such as these. Heck, I even get a little irritated when my dear husband leaves his clothes scattered on the floor or doesn't put his cup in the dishwasher. I admit it, I am a clean freak. However, does any of this matter in the long run? I mean really. Nothing matters in life except that we seek to follow Jesus more and more each day. That I try to see everything from His eyes...the eternal perspective.
My community group decided this week to really try to see everything from the EP (yes, it's too much to type so it gets initials). It's pretty amazing what that can do for you. Today as I sat at Vanderbilt waiting on tests and the doctor, I was getting more and more anxious. While I love that place because of the wonderful cancer treatment I got, I also hate that place because of the bad memories that come along with it. Anyways, I just kept saying over and over to myself "eternal perspective." I know I had cancer in order to further the kingdom of God. I know that I was meant to minister to people and namely, Kate. From the eternal perspective, I was right where I should have been doing exactly what God called me to do. And while I didn't verbally minister to someone outright, I pray that my smile, kind words, and holding doors for people helped shine the light of Jesus. That makes the discomfort and anxiety worth it...as I am overcoming myself and pushing forward to Jesus.

Try it this week. Really try it. I think you will be amazed.
Phillipians 3:13 - No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, (14) I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Busy

2011-03-14T19:26:00.001-05:00

Life has been so busy lately. We went to Texas for a week and since getting back several weeks ago, time has flown by and I feel like I am finally getting a chance to breathe again. I have nothing too exciting to blog about, but I will share some highlights. And then I plan on getting a plan together and finding time to blog again more regularly.

1. I have started taking piano lessons! I go every Tuesday and I absolutely love it. I took for 8 years as a child/teenager, but then quit because of getting busy with high-school. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to pick it back up again so I purchased a really awesome keyboard and have been playing ever since.
2. I made it through a difficult few Sundays. March 6th was the 1 year anniversary of my chemo buddy Kate's death. And March 13th was the memorial anniversary. Both of those days were melancholy days, but honestly as much as it hurts and as I much as I miss her, I wouldn't wish her back for anything because she is with Jesus now. Her husband is still having a hard time and I won't get into details, but if you are reading this, I would just ask for prayers for him. His name is Tim.
3. Soccer season has started for Chloe...my 4 year old. David is coaching her team which consists of 9 girls ages 4-5. So far so good. We have our first game this Saturday. Hopefully the Little Ponies will have fun and maybe even score a few goals!
4. Chloe's dance studio has performances planned for Rivers and Spires festival and Chloe's class of 3-4 year olds are scheduled to perform their tap dance routine at the festival on stage. Chloe has a decision to make...either miss the dance performance, or miss 2 soccer games for a mandatory dance practice and then the performance. She can't decide right now, keeps wavering, so I am thinking this is a pretty tough decision for a 4 year old girl. Wish that was my hardest decision!
5. My friend Kelly just adopted a beautiful little 2 year old girl from Ethiopia and they are settling in quite nicely to Tennessee. You need to check out her blog if you haven't yet or want to read an amazing God story (you can get to it by clicking on my Family Blog link and then scroll down to my blog list...she is Bullock Family). I'm not sure she has put every detail on there yet, but let's just say that she and her hubby obeyed God even when NOTHING made sense and He worked out every detail down to the final funds coming in the week before they went to pick up their daughter. EVERYTHING worked out perfectly...although sometimes there were super stressful moments that they had no choice but to trust God with.
6. And finally I have been quite immersed in Beth Moore's study "Breaking Free." WOW!!! I never knew how many strongholds I had until this study and how debilitating they can really be. Rest assured dear friends that I am breaking free from them and am working hard at it. I will be sure to blog some of the highlights from my experience with Beth and Jesus later on.

I have missed being on here and hope to be back regularly very very soon. Hugs to each and every one of you.

Goal of 1000

2011-02-22T16:44:00.001-06:00

Gratitude. I am committed to living a life of gratitude. I am committed to finding the joy in everything in life. The gifts that God gives. The gifts that surround me each day but I am too busy to recognize. The ones that at first may even seem like a bother or an irritation. And the ones that are even super obvious. The ones that are spiritual, physical, materialistic...ALL OF THEM.
What has prompted this new way of living? A book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It is about joy, grace, thanksgiving, and the gifts that God gives. Not just the obvious gifts, but the ones that we often overlook. For example, for me, one thing that I am super thankful for is highlighters. Seriously, I LOVE LOVE LOVE highlighters. Now, have I ever stopped to just be thankful for my highlighter? No. Not one time. Never! However, I am so very thankful for them. Thankful because they allow me to make obvious the things that really stand out to me in my Bible and books that I read. They also allow me to see what prayer requests I have each month that are answered (I highlight at the end of every month the prayers that were answered and carry the others over to the next month).
Now, I am quite convinced that every single person can find things to be thankful for every single day. It's a choice. It's not a matter of circumstance, but choosing to be thankful. So, today I start my list of 1000 things I am thankful for. Will you join me? It will make a difference in your life! If you don't think so or you need further encouraging, please go get the book I mention above! The author is from Nashville and she has an amazing story to tell and tells it in such a unique way. This is definitely not like reading "just another book." It will change your life.

My first 5:
highlighters
bottled water
my Kindle
tote bags
Chick-fil-A

When All Else Fails

2011-02-16T00:54:00.001-06:00

Father, I am crying out to you as I sit here wide awake at almost 1:00 AM in a quiet house able to hear my own heart beating. My thoughts have taken over and been flooded with the memories of February and March of last year. I miss her Lord. I miss Kate. I so desperately need to see her, to talk to her, to hear her laugh, to see her spunkiness, to experience life with her. I really miss her.
A whole year later and I thought I would be better. I thought I would really be okay with knowing that she is now healed in heaven and with You all of the time. But I'm not. My heart still hurts at the memory of when I found out her cancer had returned. My heart still aches when I think of seeing her in the hospital and at her house the last two times I saw her. My heart is still heavily burdened for Tim and how he is dealing with things as we approach her 1 year since death.
I don't even know what to do other than just sit and cry. Is that what I am supposed to do? Just sit and mourn her and cry? Is this ever going to get any easier? Will there ever be a January, February or March when I don't think of her and cry but instead I think of her and rejoice that she is with You?
I'm so thankful Father that you allowed me to meet Kate early in our chemo treatments and form that instant bond. I'm so thankful that I had a reason to look forward to going to chemo - so that I could hang with my buddy as we were both poisened and make jokes along the way. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to share You with her and I am so thankful that she no longer has to worry about recurrence, new cancers, body image, or living in this fallen and sinful world.
I am thankful, but I still hurt so bad. Please Father take this pain away. Erase the painful memories with happy ones. Ease my heartache. Let me smile when I think of Kate instead of cry. Let me laugh when I look at the pink boxing gloves she gave me instead of cry when I think of her telling Tim she wanted me to have them and keep fighting. I can just see her now Lord with those gloves on just punching the daylights out of her punching bag. Spunky!
Comfort me Lord. Comfort Tim, her sister, and her parents. Remind us at random times that you are our rock and fortress. When the feelings of despair come, lead us to the Rock that is higher than we are and allow us to rest in the shadows of your wings. Allow me Lord in the moments of stillness to reflect and be grateful for the 11 months I was priveleged to know Kate instead of the 2 months I lived the suffering with her. When the fears come over me as they randomly do remind me that you have not given me a spirit of fear, but that you have enabled me to walk through every single day without fear because of the promises you have made in your Word.
Thank you Father for the privelege to be able to come to you through your son, Jesus. I pray that every single day I live it to glorify you.
Amen.

Lesson Learned Through A CT Scan

2011-02-10T07:45:00.001-06:00

Over the past week, I have had several symptoms arise that warranted a call to my oncologist. After speaking with her, she wanted me to come in for a CT scan, labs, and see her afterwards. Luckily, the symptoms I was having was totally unrelated to any form of cancer - thank you Jesus! However, a few other things were discovered on the CT... a small liver lesion consistent with a cyst, and 2 small nodules on my right lung that are too small at this time to know what they are. I was told not to worry one second about them and we would do another CT in August to check for growth. Hmmm, okay. This was all yesterday.

So, yesterday was quite a day. After getting home, and especially once it started to get dark (I always find it interesting that darkness is associated with Satan and things always seem worse when the sun goes down and it gets dark outside) I found my mind wandering to the "what could these nodules mean?" When I kept my focus on the promises God has personally given me, I felt perfect peace. When I started using "worldly logic" I began getting upset, worried, and all out scared at the prospect of facing cancer again. There is nothing that can be done about these findings for 6 months unless symptoms arise. So, this means waiting. A very hard thing to do, but a necessary one. There is so much to be learned in the waiting periods of life. The times when we are called to just be still and know that He is God. In those times we are to recall His promises to us, and rely on His provision of perfect peace through His Son. We are to obey and surrender it all to Him. We are to obey...which is the ultimate sign of full surrender to God and His will for our lives.

With my health, it's hard to surrender out of emotion because every single part of me wants to give in to the worry and fear and cry out, "but God..." However, it's a CHOICE. I have chosen to obey and surrender because of my belief in His sovereignty and His Word. If it is anything of concern to the doctors and my health, He will make it obvious, and if not...well then, why spend the next 6 months worrying and wasting precious time?

So this means no internet searching what these nodules could mean because it just gives Satan an "in" to my thoughts and makes my fears seem rational and warranted despite my promises from God. Instead, I am taking every negative thought captive and replacing it with Scripture. The result??? I am finding a perfect peace settle upon me and I have joy.

Really Cool God Story

2011-01-20T06:37:00.001-06:00

First...I need to say that I am not on Facebook anymore. Don't be alarmed. Nothing happened except I began feeling like it was taking up too much of my time. I felt the urging from God to break away from it for a while and use my time differently. I may be back, I may not. Just depends. For now, I am re-ordering my life and putting my focus in different places.

Well, yesterday the most fun God story happened. You know my last post was about taking up the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. For me, it means digging deep into Scriptures, proclaiming those as truths in my life, looking for and remembering His promises, and memorizing and saying Scripture aloud. The sword is literally one of the most powerful tools we have against the enemy. And if you are anything like me, you really need weapons to use against Satan as he uses every opportunity to invade our lives right down to our very thoughts.
So, back to yesterday. I decided to forego my personal devotion time to sleep in a little bit since I was starting a Beth Moore study that day at a local church. MISTAKE...at least for me it was because I am weak and vulnerable. I NEED to be in the Word as much as humanly possible. Instead though, I got up at 6:30 with Chloe and decided to google search what my MRI report showed. I knew I shouldn't do that...very dumb decision on my part because I found a lot more than I bargained for. Before I knew it, I had found out that my lymph node is double the size of normal and that the place where it is at is a main path for metastasis to the liver, lungs, and bone (that is why you NEVER search for anything on the internet regarding cancer...you always find out things you never expected to). Anyways, I tried to put it out of my mind and concentrated on getting my kids ready and heading to church.
I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it did weigh on my mind a LOT on the way to church (especially given that one of my best friend's sister in law died that same morning of breast cancer that had spread). I didn't go into panic mode though. I started thinking about praying this lymph node away and having everyone I know pray it away for me. As my dad said, "we won't pray it to shrink, we will pray it to go away. Why pray for a sandwich when you can have a buffet?" AMEN!!
OK, so getting on to the really cool God story...the study I am doing is titled "Breaking Free" and it is about freedom from the strongholds in our lives. Perfect...one of my many is fear. And I would dare say it is my main one right now. So at the end of the lesson, our last verse to look up was Judges 6:23. Guess what it said!!?? (I can hardly contain my excitement) "And the Lord said, Peace! Do not be afraid. You will not die." Seriously!!! He said that...to me, and to Gideon if we are being precise here. But really, as I read that scripture and listened to Beth talk about it, I just laughed inside and danced with joy because I knew that the verse was FOR ME on that very day. God's grace is just way undeserving! I chose to not have my quiet time, research the internet about my MRI, and get scared to death, yet God chose in his unfailing love to pour out His grace and give me that scripture...that Sword of Spirit.
What a perfect way to transition into my afternoon. At peace and in awe that God is so loving and full of grace and mercy. I can just see Him looking down, shaking his head with his hand on his forehead going "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...you are relentless. Here is more of my Word for you. Take it and REMEMBER it! And for crying out loud, STOP researching the internet. Research ME instead!"

Taking the Sword of the Spirit

2011-01-18T16:40:00.001-06:00

It is what I refer to as the "witching hour" at my house right now. It's that time between when I pick the kids up from parents' day out until dinner time. The time when the kids come home from school and are wound up tight and extra energetic. The time when I usually am NOT blogging, or even thinking about the computer. However, today is different. Today I have felt compelled to be in the Word more than I usually am. I have really longed to be with Jesus today. I don't really know why...it has been a normal day. I got up at 5 and did some Bible study and had some prayer time as I do most every morning, but I was disappointed when it was time for me to get it in gear and get the kids ready for school. I wanted to spend more time with my Savior.
I did get it together though and get the kids to school. Went to 2 appointments, Target, and then home again where I listened to a sermon by Craig Groeschel. By the time that was over, I had to go get the kids, run a few more errands and then come back home. And now, after getting them settled with snacks and Scooby Doo on the TV, I sit here blogging. However, before I got on here, I turned on my worship music and looked up Scripture about fear, worry, anxiety, and what God has to say about them. I know I wrote in a previous post that I am doing scripture memorization this year, but today, I sat and wrote out about 8 verses to use when Satan tries to play games with my mind. When he tries to tell me the cancer is back or that every little ache, pain, or other symptom is a metastasis. What I have done is arm myself with the sword of the spirit. It is one of the 2 things (the other being prayer) in the whole armor of God that is for attacking the enemy. Obviously, it is POWERFUL. In Hebrews it refers to the Word of God as living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword. Even Jesus himself used scripture when he was tempted by the devil (It is written...).
So, after writing my Scriptures down in a small notebook that I can carry with me everywhere, I am prepared. I am ready to memorize, read, re-read, and speak aloud those passages when I am overcome by fear or worry and put the devil to rest. I'm not letting him take my thoughts...but instead, I will take every thought captive and use my Sword!

By the way, if any of you are interested in studying up on the armor of God and spiritual warfare, a really good book is called Spiritual Warfare and is by Joseph Prince. It's a short book, an easy read, but full of explanation about each part of the armor of God.

January 14th

2011-01-15T00:08:00.001-06:00

The way my day has been today has left me checking the calendar numerous times wandering if it is really Friday the 13th. Really, I have. Not that I am superstitious or anything, but something about this day has left me longing for tomorrow so I can cross this one off the calendar. Here's a little run-down of how life went today...

1. BOTH kids woke up at 6:45 this morning and demanded milk and cereal bars. I mean the first words out of their mouths were "milk, bar, milk, bar, cartoon!" It was a rude awakening, but an awakening nonetheless.
2. The vacuum cleaner went out today while I was vacuuming. It started to smoke, smell like fire, and shoot out dust. I noticed the cord was frayed and wires were exposed so I took that as my cue to turn it off.
3. I got the results of my bloodwork, and despite not having a cycle for 2 years, my ovaries are still functioning and these signs of menopause are just FAKERS! I am going to have to go through all of these again when I really do hit menopause. Grrr....
4. I got the results of my MRI and the "questionable lymph node" that was there last time is still there and has grown by 2mm - or 25% - putting it in the "oversized" category. 2mm doesn't sound like a lot, but in cancer-speak, it's what determines clear margins or not, so 2mm is a BIG deal. My oncologist and radiologist discussed these things at length and agreed to have me back in May for a repeat scan. I'm waiting now to hear back from my breast surgeon on Monday to get her opinion.
5. Dumb insurance won't cover another scan until July so I have to wait an extra 2 months which I know isn't that long, but when you are wandering if its cancer coming back, 2 months makes a huge difference.
6. A very dear friend of mine called today and told me her husband had gotten wounded in Afghanistan. He is going to be okay, and she has been able to speak to him, but he may require another surgery, and he has to stay in that crapola country until his whole unit comes back even though he 99% will not be able to go back to work within that time frame. They are set to come back in March or April.
7. My kidney stones are back. The aching started last Saturday, and the sharp pains started 45 minutes ago. Praying I can just deal with it at home and not have to go to the ER. So far, I'm okay.

And that's all. That has been my day. OUCH!!! Must go now...dang stones!
Thank you Lord that your mercies are new every morning!!!! Bring on the 15th please!

Forever Homes

2011-01-07T14:08:00.001-06:00

Now that we are in the full swing of things in 2011 (aka...kids are back to parents day out!), I have a second to sit and blog about some really random things. Grab a cup of coffee, a warm blanket and sit with me as I talk about what's been on my mind. They will all tie together by the end of the post I hope.

First, I have been doing a Max Lucado study for about a month now, but just this past week, things have just happened in my heart with what I have been studying. Call me crazy if you want, I will call it Jesus and just say that I think these things that I have been meditating on have been because of my one word...REVIVAL. If you have no clue what "my one word" is, see previous post. Otherwise, I will continue.
Yesterday morning, I was doing my studying and it was all about scripture and memorizing it so that it can easily be recalled to memory. It was about hiding His word in your heart. That His word is a lamp and light unto our feet and paths, that His word is ALIVE. It is real, it is unchanging, and the only thing that we can ever depend on are the promises that He was given us through His word.
So after finishing the study, I decided to start memorizing 2 scriptures/month. A friend of mine, Beth Moore (okay, we are not real-life friends, but we would be if I lived in TX), has a scripture memorization team of women. This is what they do. They write their new scripture on the 1st and 15th of every month and then they spend the following weeks memorizing, meditating, applying, etc...
OK, so on to today (I will tie this all together I promise, just hang on with me). This morning's study was about the disappointments in life that we will experience, the fears, unmet expectations. My first thought was was that the past two years have been written in God's plan for my life to ultimately bring Him glory. It wasn't so that I would have disappointments, fears, failures, etc... It was all to help carry out my purpose in life - to further His kingdom. And my next thought was that I wonder what my future will look like. I wonder what my REVIVAL is going to look like.
So, at the end of my study I was praying about some big changes that could be coming upon our family by the end of 2012. I was asking God to show us what to do and what decisions to make. Then I sort of got off track and my mind started wandering (you know it happens to you too). I started thinking about a new house. By the end of this year, we want to be in the beginning process of building what I refer to as "our forever home." You know, the home that my kids will grow up in and my grandchildren will come to someday. I have all sorts of ideas and criteria/lists of things I want in this "forever home" and believe me that when David sees this list probably half of it will be crossed out due to the big budget dreaming I have. However, during the middle of my daydreaming escapade, the Lord gently nudged me by telling me that this will never be my forever home. Earth was not intended to be anyone's forever home. My forever home is heaven. Nothing will satisfy me to the fullest here on Earth and it's not supposed to. If we had everything we could ever imagine on Earth, why would anyone want to go to Heaven? Why would anyone long for their forever home?
Now, for the tie in... as I was searching this morning for my first verse to memorize, this is what was given to me. Hebrews 13:5 - Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."
So, do I think God does not want us to have a great custom built home? NO! Do I think that we already don't have a great home? NO! But what I do know is that no home, no amount of money, no perfect acting children or super romantic husband will ever fill that last void in my life...my forever home with Jesus! And I can promise you the same thing for your life. You will never feel totally complete and full while here on this earth, but the closest you can get is to become a child of God and know that your forever home is coming.

My One Word

2010-12-31T13:35:00.001-06:00

Each year people make New Years Resolutions. They last for about a month...maybe a tad more, much more likely a lot less. I stopped 2 years ago making New Years Resolutions and have instead switched to focusing on just ONE WORD for the upcoming year. I have had the words EMBRACE and RESTORE the past two years but for 2011, my one word is REVIVAL. In times of revival, God's people experience His presence and power to degrees never thought possible. When revival comes, the giant will not only stir and awaken, but also move with dynamic power and glorious impact.
I am praying that 2011 is a year of major revival for me. I have experienced the healing hand of God, the restoration of who I am, and now I am ready for God to unleash an incredible revival in me. I want to feel the presence of the Lord and see Him move in ways I would have never imagined all while He receives the glory back for it.
I'm excited to see what 2011 will bring for me and my family. I challenge all of my readers to choose one word and not make resolutions that you will break in a day, a week, or a month. There is a website you can google: My One Word and there you can have accountability, encouragement from others with your word, and some questions to answer each week to mark any progress that has been made or anything that the Lord has done for you in regards to your word.
Many blessings to each of you. I pray we all get our word and grow in that tremendously over this next year.

If you choose to do this, leave a comment with your word and why you chose it.

Ironic

2010-12-24T06:46:00.002-06:00

Before I go into what is ironic, let me quickly update on my appointments yesterday at Vanderbilt. I had my 6 month ECHO check which at first came with bad news. They told me my heart function had dropped from 65% (55-65 is normal) to 47%. I took the news just fine with a peace surrounding me like crazy. I never worried about it or got bent out of shape AT ALL! I mentioned it to my oncologist who looked into it, saw that it was originally misread and that the cardiologist said my function was ok at 55%. Whew...I'll take that - a normal reading. My next ECHO will be again in 6 months. Then I went to have labs drawn...3 sticks later they had enough blood for the 6 tubes they needed. My blood counts came back "normal for me" and all is good. My oncologist gave me the all clear and I will go back in 3 weeks for my 6 month MRI check. I'm so relieved that I have no more appointments for the year 2010! Thank the Lord!

Now...on to the more important business...IRONIC! This whole week I have been praying and hoping that the Lord would reveal some new things about Christmas to me through His Word that I have never really taken in before. We all read the story of Christ's birth in Luke 1 and 2, but this year, I decided to read from each gospel. The first thing that was revealed to me was from Matthew...the lineage of Jesus. Can we all say imperfect. We have Rahab, Tamar, Bathsheeba, even King David who had some sketchy moments in his life yet was known as a man after God's own heart. And then have you ever picked up on the fact that Ruth is mentioned in the bloodline of Jesus even though she was a Gentile and not a Jew. See...he came for everyone and it even dates back to waaaaay before he was born.
Then this morning is what got me the most. I got up, turned on the Christmas tree, grabbed myself a diet coke (not in a coffee mood lately) and started doing my Bible study. The topic today? DEATH. What?!? Death...when we are celebrating the birth of our Savior? Hmmm...so I settled in, soaked it all in and the Holy Spirit started speaking to me.
Jesus was completely fine living a perfect life in Heaven with God.
He came to this fallen world as a human...a baby. Born in a barn stall with animals surrounding him.
He was born to die.
He was born to die for me and you and all of mankind and did just that when he was crucified.
His death equals our eternal life.
He was born to conquer death.

So as my family celebrates the birth of baby Jesus, I will remember that this sweet little baby was born with the specific purpose to die for me. How humbling is that? How much love that expresses! I pray that each of you, as you celebrate Christmas, will remember that not only was Christ born on this day, but that he was born to die so that we can live with Him forever.

"Greatest man in history, named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called Him Master. Had
no degree, yet they called Him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the
world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He
lives today."

Another Eye Opener

2010-12-14T14:48:00.000-06:00

Today as I sit here and both children are napping, I have had my quiet time with my Saviour and I prayed afterwards and asked Him to please help me to write this blog. I'm praying that what my heart desperately wants to get across comes through perfectly - as though written by Him.
My lesson today in the study I am doing was called "UNMET EXPECTATIONS." Really. That's what it was called and I just kind of chuckled as I started it. Then, I ended up in tears realizing that all through Scripture our ancestors/legacy experienced unmet expectations too. The disciples expected things of Jesus since He was right there with them and when He didn't deliver (in their eyes,) they got bent out of shape, scared, and desperate. I'm actually referring to the passages about after Christ fed the 5000 (which made the disciples mad because they wanted to send the crowd away) He sent the disciples back to the boat while he climbed a mountain alone knowing the fercocious storm that was coming. The storm started and the disciples started freaking out wondering where Jesus was, why he wasn't there to save them. They actually, according to Mark got mad and their hearts were hardened. We are like them, we look for God but when we can't find him, and the pain sets in and expectations go unmet, doubts begin to surface.
This is where I have been. UNMET EXPECTATIONS. I actually got irritated at a friend who asked me "what if God chooses not to meet your expectations? Have you thought about that?" What I wanted to do was scream at her..."are you kidding me right now?!?!? I haven't come this far, been through this much for 23 months for the finality of things NOT to work out." That thought honestly never crossed my mind.
Then when I was put in the hospital 2 weeks ago, my expectations were yet again taken away from me. I was one step away from finality. ONE STEP AWAY. I've since realized that my heart had slowly, since July when I started reconstruction become hardened by unmet expectations. My pleadings for help, pain relief, and helaing were salted with angry questions. Why was this process so much worse than the 16 chemo treatments and 35 radiations? Why was this process so painful when it was supposed to be the happy part?When the decision was made to remove the tissue expanders and stop reconstruction for at least a few years I did it because I felt like the Lord was telling me to stop. To stop the pain, suffering, and wasting of precious time with my husband and children. That this was not the time for it. I have stopped wondering why all of this and then nothing. I have stopped wondering if I didn't obey God's desires in the first place. I have stopped and put all of that behind me. As Paul says in Scripture, I have put the past behind me and am focusing on the future. None of that matters anymore.
Today, I am Kelly Blevins, 22 month cancer survivor, no current thought of reconstruction, just focused on serving and honoring my Lord, my family, and my church. I am happy...no thrilled at how amazingly well I feel. It feels wonderful to NOT be on medicine for pain and muscle spasms for the first time since July. It feels wonderful to feel like Kelly. It feels wonderful to smile and be grateful for the little things in life. It feels wonderful to know that God has promised to work ALL things together for the good of those who love him.
I am excited to celebrate the birth of Jesus with my 2 and 4 year olds. I am excited to go see my new niece in Seattle in January and then go on a ski excursion with my husband and our friends later that month. I'm looking forward to things in life again and this feels good. God knew exactly what he was doing when he didn't meet my expectations because I can tell all of you that this has ALL worked out for the good of me...and those whom I love most.

Romans 11:33 - Oh how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge. How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and ways.

Oh, and I almost forgot...my labs are 100% normal...so that is one expectation that was met this week!!!!

A Glimpse Into My Week

2010-12-12T07:29:00.000-06:00

Since there is so much going on this week, I get to tell you about it in list form...my favorite. It's 7 AM and I am awake with my sweet Chloe who is doing her ballet routine to "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" over and over again and I couldn't think of a better was to start my Sunday morning than blogging while I watch her being ADORABLE.

1. Today, I am choosing to stay home from church and out of the cold. Since my blood counts are still wacky I don't want to be around anyone who is sick.

2. Monday, I have repeat bloodwork done which will determine quite a bit I think. I also have Physical Therapy that afternoon. Luckily our main babysitter is home from college and is here for me all week. I love her, my kids love her...she rocks.

3. Tuesday, I get to go vent all of my feelings out to my counselor who I decided to start seeing a few months ago when I couldn't stop grieving Kate and it started affecting our family. I haven't seen her in a while so I am glad to go. I will also get my lab results this day.

4. Wednesday, I go back to my plastic surgeon whom I adore and will discuss labs, and hopefully get my drain out. May talk about future possibilities but may not. It will depend on how I feel. David told me last night that Dr Oslin told him that he was so glad that I agreed to let him take the expanders out instead of just chancing that the infection wouldn't be there. He then said that he could tell the pain I suffered and a cracked rib from all the pressure of them was affecting my quality of life big time...especially with children as young as ours. That made me feel better and smile. He really cares about me and my family in ways most doctors don't.

5. Thursday, I will see my oncologist to go over my labwork with her and figure out what is going on with my body. Is something going on? Is it just taking me an extra long time to heal? Are the tripled white blood cells due to stress or multiplying cancer cells, or just another infection of some sort. I'm not focusing on this though as this same day my sweet Chloe and I have our annual girls trip to the Opryland Hotel to spend the night and see the Rockettes and walk miles all over the hotel. We are also going to ICE which will be lots of fun. I had thought about cancelling because of how bad I feel, but I am hoping to be feeling lots better by then. And if I don't, we are still going because she is so worth it!

6. Friday - NOTHING!

7. Weekend - family time and nothing else. It's time to start getting quality family time back and enjoying life again. We may go down to the riverwalk and take in the lights, we may have game night with our kids, we may just lay on the couch and do nothing. I don't know...all I know is that I will be doing the weekend with my family.

Update # 3.475 million...because ya'll have been left hanging.

2010-12-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

Im going to start off with how things were when I left this hospital on Monday, the 6th. I was excited to be leaving, but knew that none of the realizations would hit until I got home and real life hit. So to put me in a better mood and avoid getting home 20 minutes earlier, David stopped by Target but only agreed to do so if I took the "Jazzy" for a spin (upscale mart-cart). I figured why not, I have my bedroom slippers on too so I might as well. I went joy riding all over that place for about 15 minutes then I was exhausted. I hit a few displays and employees,, but they accepted my first time driver apology and life went on.
As I imagined, both kids were just so excited to see me and David. They couldn't believe I was there to stay. we snuggled in together and just layed there as a family. It was glorious. I missed my family so much up on the oncology ward that there were times I would sit and cry for them when I was alone.

Then Tuesday happened and it was a horrible day. I could barely move off the couch or bed and I was sore. Luckily the kids had school that day so there was a 5 hour window of peace/sleep/rest etc...my body could have and I used my time very wisely.

Wednesday came and came with a vengenance. I couldn't speak, swallow, eat, drink, etc... I knew it wouldn't be strep with all of the IV antibiotics I had been on. Got in to see my PCP and explained it all to him. It's thrush...a fungal infection caused by all of the wonderful IV antibiotics I was taking. So, I am now on Cipro still trying to kill bacteria and Diflucan orally to try and kill fungus. My body is working itself to death as my last set of labs that have come in show it,
White Cells: In Hospital :7.23           Now: 14.1
Neutrophils: don't remember            Now: 84% (normal is less tha 60)
Hemoglobin 9.2                               Now 10
Hematocrit   29                                Now 32.7

Still very weak and walking to my mailbox makes me short of breath and extremely exhausted. I go see my plastics guy tomorrow to remove stitches and a drain I hope. I will talk to him about these labs and I have also emailed my oncologist for her opinion as well. My white count should be way low considering all the drugs I've fought my infection off with.
I have to thank every single one of you who changed your schedules and found sitters etc...to come visit me in the hospital. It brightened my day by seeing all of you and enlarged my heart just that much more. THANK YOU!

Maybe there will be more to update about these crazy labs tomorrow or as I find out. Sometimes knowing too much (like little ms nurse right here) can have us dead and in a coffin in a pretty outfit before the doctor has even said hello.

Ways you can pray and ways I have been praying:
1. I am wondering why in the world God would allow suffering since July 12 when all of this process started knowing the end result.
2. I am wondering why in the world he would allow my latissitmus flap surgery in October to go off easily knowing what the big picture would be.
3. I am wondering why I made it to my very last fill up and was done with everything until the exchange surgery in January and then this happens and everything has to come out.
4. I am wondering if I didn't hear God, pay attention to His true desires, and maybe I should not have done a thing for reconstruction to begin with.
So, pray for my personal restoration with who I am, who God says I am, that I will very soon feel like being on the floor with my babies playing pretend, and that I will be making David meals with a loving and full heart. I want more of a quality of life than I could ever have imagined
THanks Blogger Friends

Going on One Hour

2010-12-06T04:52:00.000-06:00

Morning readers,
It's now going on one hour that I called out for the first time to ask for my pain medicine that was due over an hour ago. I called out again just about 20 minutes ago and if I don't get it soon, I'm going to go walking around the halls until I find my nurse and can personally tell her I'm hurting. If she could simply see the look on my face and the fact that there are tears rolling down it right now, I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate, but that's the problem. She is so busy tonight that she hasn't seen me but twice. I could turn into one of those annoying patients that hit my nurse button every 5 minutes but I really don't even think that would help.

So instead, as I sit here in a lonely bed, on a lonely oncology floor at 3:45 AM waiting for some pain relief, I will fill you all in on what is happening and share a few pictures just for laughs that David and I took 2 nights ago when I was really feeling good.

Yesterday I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. I knew something wasn't right as I was back bundled under as many blankets as possible and was just feeling yuck. My doctor came in soon thereafter with a look that said "you aren't going anywhere for a while missy." We discussed somethings and came to the conclusions that my red blood counts are dropping. My Hemoglobin which carries the iron throughout my body was 10.3 when I came in and was now 8.8 (close to transfusion level in oncology world), My Hematocrit which deals with overall blood volume percentage had dropped from 33 to 29. Anything below the 30's isn't that great. And my total RBC's had dropped from almost 4 to nearly 3. NOT GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION FOLKS. Other than that, the CT scan I had of my chest and arms turned out to show no metastasis or bone infection. My white count had come down some showing improvement in my overall infection status which is great seeing as how I have been on 4 antibiotics for 7 days now...Vancomycin and Cipro being the 2 big dogs. For now though, what I am most concerned about is my red blood counts droping (Connie brought my pain meds so we are good there now). I think I am going to call my oncology nurse in the morning and make her aware of what is going on. I am at St Thomas Hospital which is where my surgeons are yet my oncologist is at Vanderbilt, about 5 minutes away. If they were here or I were there, this would be so much easier to communicate.
I will update when I talk to my onco nurse in a few hours and when I get my labs back hopefully in the next 2 hours.

Now though, come some funny/ironic/ridiculous pictures that David and I couldn't resist taking. This is our dark side of cancer humor coming out so just realize if you have never had cancer or known anyone who has, you may not understand that if you don't laugh about it then most times you will cry.

Seriously...penthouse?!? Oncology unit people...just one step underneath heaven. We could have at least been put on the 5th floor or something like that.

My door room stating visitors must check with nurse first and that that lab cannot draw my labs because I have a venous access device (sounds important, huh?)

Seriously, this is one of the pictures hanging in the entrance way to the unit. MORBID!

2 cherubs deciding which will be the next one to join them... again, morbid sense of humor

This kept my sweet, uninfected, non-febrile kids off of my unit. I was able to go hang out in the family room with them though and go to the cafeteria. Fun times there! The best part was being wheeled around with Chloe on one knee and Brody on the other and watching them run around in an empty lobby. We seriously thought they were going to knock Mary Mother of Jesus statue down and then I knew I better not be going back up to the penthouse or I would not be coming back down (just kiddin)

This is my PICC line. It's a central venous access device that they give you when they can't get you with an IV. Mine was 37cm long and was threaded from my arm into my SVC

(just above my heart atria) I just like it cause it's purple and I have never seen any PICC that wasn't blue.

This button kept me from hurting most days. It's the morphine pump button.

My friends came up one night and all signed my board. Since it's right in front of my bed, it's cheered me up a lot to look at it

And of course right above every board in every room there is a Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. Someone asked me if I actually brought that from home and hung it up...uh, no. Not that I don't love Jesus and am eternally grateful for what he gave up for me, but not a choice of art for me.

And of course what is a hospital room without a bedside commode?!? Every man's dream I think...to not have to miss anything on TV while they do their business. HA!

Good Grief Charlie Brown

2010-12-02T13:42:00.000-06:00

I just read last night's post and can totally tell that I wrote that while I was on the morphine drip. There were only half written words, grammatical errors, etc... that just aren't normally me.

So here is a short version of what has occurred today. My pain pump and IV Fluids had to be stopped because my IV came out this morning. After about an hour of not having the pain medicine, my back started hurting again, it hurt to walk, my chest was hurting and my left arm...everything just like it was Sunday night. So after about 2 hours, I finally got what is called a PICC line in. One thing that excites me is that it is PURPLE! As a nurse I only have ever seen blue ones so I feel really special getting a purple one. The next thing is that they did it right in my room which made me a bit nervous (ok, a lot nervous) because they are wire guided ports that go through your arm veins all the way through your big veins in your upper body and down into the Superior Vena Cava...right at that heart atria.

My nurse is in here now to restart the pain meds so I am off. Surgery is still set between 4-6 and David will update Facebook after surgery.

A Turn For the Worse..Or the Better - just depends

2010-12-01T23:03:00.000-06:00

I am so glad that I have a passion for writing so that I can update everyone at the same time on everything that is going on with the Blevins family and our struggles through breast cancer. I cannot imagine having to send out 18 million texts, then emails etc...I would go crazy and that, we all know, is NOT where I need to be right now. No, the Morphine pump they have me on is doing it's job in that department.

So, back to the point. Sunday morning, I woke up feeling crappy. Didn't want to shower, didn't want to go to church, didn't want to do anything...except lay back down on the couch under 4 blankets. I was freezing. However, I decided that I would go on to church and partake of the communion which is a very holy sacrament to me and my family. After church, we came home, David took over and I crawled right back into my jammers, under my 4 blankets and called my surgeon. He asked about a fever to which I replied "no" but had not taken yet and then said he wanted to see me Monday morning in his office which is in St Thomas Hospital. After we hung up, I grabbed the thermometer and wouldn't you know...100.8. And that's not good in a still immunocompromised patient. The chemo I finished last year, will continue to affect my blood counts for about 3-5 years

Anyways, I went to on to Dr Oslin's Monday morning with my friend Lynne in tow. She thought of everything...including packing back in case I had to stay, and arranging overnight care for the the babies in case... David HAD to go to his last visit to his UT Martin store so it was all okay really. Everything was working out. Got to see the doctor and he pretty much immediately knew he was going to admit me, give me IV fluids, IV antibiotics, and try to figure out where the infection was coming from.

So, since Monday I have been hooked up to IVS, drains, Morphine pumps, etc... The light of my life was today when Chloe and Brody were allowed to come visit in the family play room. We went down there and spent some time talking and explaining what was going to app

So the plan...tomorrow, at 4:00 pm, I will be headed down to the OR for my 8th and final surgery. The tissue expanders have become dangerous as they are infected and the infection is spreading to other parts of my body...such as my shoulder blade.

Thankfully, we just finished the sermon serioes on Job and I really am not questioning "why" because I know WHO!" And I can rest eas

The "what" doesn't matter when you know the "WHO!"

2010-11-23T05:59:00.000-06:00

So let's just be honest here. This may be a longer post so kick off your shoes, sit back, get comfortable and relax and I share my feelings and what I have learned along the way over the past 6 weeks. We just completed a sermon series on Job and each small group did a six week study on the book of Job that was put together by one of our pastors. As first, I was thrilled for this series. Super excited. Came first week, Bible in hand, sitting in the 4th row as usual and worshipping during the music because I knew that this series was for me. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd that is where the excitement stopped. Ended. Gone. Dead. Instead, I left feeling anger, fury, discontent, unsettled, etc... I even emailed the pastor twice during the six week series asking him WHY was this series so hard for me to hear. That I couldn't even go to church one week because I was sick of it. I told him I felt like I was living Job for the past 2 years and certainly didn't need to hear about it. I was living proof. Modern day Job. I just couldn't sit through another Sunday of it.
In the beginning of my diagnosis, just like in the beggining when Job lost everything, he chose to praise the Lord above. So did I...hence the name of my blog. But as time passed as it did for Job and myself, we both began to question everything, and we both had some friends that said some pretty harsh things to us along the way. I actually called one of my friends (not to her face) Eliphaz...Job's friend! I mean how dare she say something to me like she said and have no clue the shoes I have walked in for 2 years. Geesh! I think it was meant out of love, but I am not so sure it wasn't more of an arrogance thing. Then I've had a friend take some of my pain pills when I wasn't looking. Yeah, great friendship there. You see, I relate a lot to Job and I know each of us do to some degree, but I'm really feeling him right now.
Well, this past Sunday, things changed. God finally spoke to Job. God finally spoke to Kelly. God finally said some pretty eye-opening things to the both of us.
Job 38: 1-7 : Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind. Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man because I have some questions for you and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you know so much? Who determined it's dimensions and stretched out it's surverying line? What supports its foundations and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Job 38: 1:19-22: Where does light come from and where does darkness go? Can you take each to its home? Do you know how to get there? But of course you know all this. For you were born before all this was created and you are so very experienced. Have you visited the storehouses of snow or seen the storehouses of hail?
Job 38: 1:31-33: Can you direct the movement of the stars-binding Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion? Can you diret the sequence of the seasons or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens? Do you know the lasws of the universe and can you use them to regulate the earth?

The Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do anything and no one can stop you....I take back everything I said and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.
HUMBLED and HUMILIATED...that's how I felt last Sunday in church. I felt like Job did when God started asking him all of the questions and turned the tables. I have spent much of my time since July asking why...why is this reconstuction worse than anything by far? Worse than chemo, worse than radiation, worse than my 3 prior surgeries. Why all of the severe pain now. This was supposed to be the happy joyous part of breast cancer. But you know what? I've grown. I have grown to really know deep in my heart that if all God ever replies to me is "Trust Me" then I will trust Him. For He is who He says He is all throughout Job. The what doesn't matter...the breast cancer, pain, emotional turmoil, physical scars, worn down body...none of it matters since I KNOW THE WHO...The Great Physician

Quickly

2010-11-17T17:29:00.000-06:00

Because the kids are needing some attention and I am needing some pain medicine, this will be quick...promise!
Went back to my surgeon today. Drain is still draining right at 100 mls/day so I still have Darcy as my sidekick. It's okay. I knew she wouldn't be coming out today and honestly I am used to her now so...whatever.
I also got my final expansion in the left breast and will have one more expansion next Wednesday which will be the final one for the right side.
I am doing much better this week emotionally. I'm getting sleep now which I see is helping a lot. For weeks I was only getting 3-4 hours each night so my doctor prescribed some Ambien and that made for one great night sleep last night.
OK - that's all for now friends. See, this was short for me!

Yet Another Update

2010-11-11T21:26:00.000-06:00

This one will be short and to the point...incisions are healing perfectly. Drain is STILL in. I am 3 weeks post-op and am shocked that the drain is still draining over 100mls/day. This is craziness. However, Darcy (yes, I've named her as she has been stuck in my side for 22 days now) and I are doing just fine. I don't have pain or irritation from her anymore. I'm able to be a pretzel with my arms and change my own drain dressing now, and I have learned how to take a tub bath, wash my armpit and not get the drain wet. Trust me when I say that that in and of itself is quite a feat.
My mood has been elevated to the top of this world. I am enjoying my precious time with my children and husband. Chloe and Brody crack me up every single day and I have been able to tell Satan to take a hike more than once and be victorious over him. WOO-HOO! Speaking of my sweet babes, Brody asked me this question yesterday in the most serious voice ever while pointing to my drain..."mommy, is dat ur iPod?" OMgoodness! I about fell off the couch laughing at him. I've had Darcy for 22 days and it's like he has just now noticed it...and he thought it was an iPod. HA!!!! Chloe quickly corrected him and told him that it was in fact called a drain to which he replied "oh, a dwain." So stinking cute. If you are not laughing by this point, I guess you just had to be here.
Other than that, the plan is as follows...
1. I will go back next Wednesday, the 17th to hopefully say goodbye to Darcy and get my final expansion. Trust me when I tell you that I feel like I have Mt Ranier sitting on my chest. I've not had a left boob in 2 years so for me to look down and see a freaking mountain made from a mole-hill (hahaha) it's slightly funny, shocking, exciting, weird, etc... All I can say is Dolly is not the only girl in Tennessee now with a good set of girls.
2. Then, I wait. I will wait and live in the tissue expanders until the end of January when I will then have the exchange surgery which is the FINAL step! They will remove the expanders, have enough stretched skin and muscle to place the implants in, and off I go with a set of forever perky girls...all paid for by insurance! While I am sure David would like me to keep the mountains I have for now, I will NOT be doing that. I just don't think I can handle all of that in my face all the time.
3. Two weeks after that surgery, I will have my 6 month MRI to check for recurrence of the cancer which I am confident will come back just fine.
3. And finally, the week after my MRI, David and I head off to our annual Chick-fil-A seminar for a 3 day seminar and an extra 4 days of luxury time alone in San Antonio, TX. This is very symbolic as I will be celebrating my 2 year cancer free mark at seminar again this year. I love that I am surrounded by my Chick-fil-A family when this anniversary comes around each year.

Oh, and in the midst of all that, I will be flying out to Seattle to visit my brother, SIL, and my new baby niece Adalynn. I'm going by myself so I can be selfish with my time with them. I cannot wait to get that sweet baby girl in my arms and see her mommy and daddy. I missed Brody's infancy period due to the cancer treatments, and Adalynn will be the age he was when I was diagnosed so I can foresee lots of cuddling, rocking, snuggling, and loving on her while I am there.

Well, maybe this wasn't as short as I had intended it to be, but now you have my whole itenerary from next week through the end of February :)
Thanks for all of your prayers for me since my last few blog posts. Love to each of you!!!

Psalm 103...

2010-11-08T14:39:00.000-06:00

Today I texted my friend Erin and asked: Hey friend, what do you do when you don't feel God and feel so far away? I feel like he doesn't even care about me anymore...like He is tired of my problems. I know there are times he chooses to be quiet like in the beginning of Job, but I need to hear him. Like now!

Her response: I'm right there with ya girl!1 All I know is these are the times to trust wholly in His Word which are promises and His character which is good. That takes faith! Check out Psalm 103 :)

So I did that when I put Brody down for his nap. I opened my Bible to Psalm 103. I read it. Read it again, and then read it a third time. Finally, I got out my highlighter and went to town highlighting these verses specifically:
Psalm 103: 2-5: Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things.
Psalm 103:13-14 : The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionsate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.

It does help to know that God knows how weak I am and that He is tender and compassionate to that. It also helps me to remember and even list off all of the good things he has done for me in these past two years especially.

A big thanks to my friend Erin who directed me to that Psalm for today's time with God. And a huge praise to God for ALL of the good things he has done for me.

Where Have I Gone?

2010-11-07T10:04:00.000-06:00

I sit here with tears streaming so hard that I can hardly even type. I have been stretched further this week than I ever wanted to be. I am an emotional basket-case, a physical mess, and I am beginning to really just want to run away and never come back. I want to run away from the mess that my life has become over the past 2 years.
I don't want to be only known as the "young girl who got breast cancer," "the Chick-fil-A owner's wife," "the mom with the drain hanging out of her side for 2 solid weeks now and hasn't been able to shower yet," "the wife who can't keep her cool when her house is a disastrous mess because no one can clean it but me," "the young mom who has had 5 surgeries in 2 years but everyone looks up to," etc... There is NOTHING to look up to. There is nothing to admire. There is nothing that I have done that I am proud of. There is nothing I would choose to do again.
I am angry. I just want to be Kelly. I don't want anything that has been attached to my name over the past few years. When am I going to ever get to be just Kelly again? The answer: NEVER! I can never go back and re-do things. Alcoholics CHOOSE to drink, Addicts CHOOSE to use drugs, People who shake their babies CHOOSE to do so...well, I didn't CHOOSE breast cancer and I did NOTHING to deserve the consequences of it. I am tired of putting on the happy face and telling people that everything is okay, that we are managing just fine, that we don't need anything, that all is well, etc... It's all a lie people. It's all a lie. I need help. I can't lift the lemonade pitcher to pour my kids some juice. I can't get the laundry out of the hamper because it sends me into severe pain from the surgery. I can't reach up into the cabinet to grab a plate because of the pain that goes shooting through my arm and chest. I can't sleep in my own bed because of the way I need to prop to just get comfortable. I can't pick up my house without paying for it later. I can't stand in the kitchen and cook a nice meal because by the time I've done that and cleaned up the mess, I am hurting and extremely exhausted. Little things exhaust me. Having lost so much blood does nothing for my energy level and it just sucks.
What I wouldn't give to be able to just go on walks with my kids, sit on the floor and play with them, fix meals for my family, take the kids to do fun activities, pick them up and hold them tight, hug my husband without flinching in fear that he is going to touch my incision, sleep in my own bed, take a shower, and just live a normal life.

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for too, but for today, I just want to get my feelings out and heard and be honest and authentic. I am closing the comment section of this particular post because I don't want any negative feedback. I just want to vent and I want people to let me do so without trying to fix the problems I have. God gave me these feelings and it's fine by Him for me to express them and have them so today, I am choosing to do that. Pray for me, my family, my pain, my energy level.

In A Funk...Satan's A Punk.

2010-11-03T21:06:00.001-05:00

In a total and complete funk and it's all Satan's fault...and mine too for allowing him access to my emotions. Today was a hard day. Let me back up to yesterday though so I can give a little back-story. Yesterday my sweet babies came home from their gramom's house after being there for 9 days. I was so excited to have them back and could not wait for David to pull into the driveway with them. I wasn't totally niave about the care I was going to have to give them, but I was feeling stronger yesterday than I had in a week. When they got home, my spirits immediately lifted and I could not get enough of them. They hugged, kissed, played, and hung out with us all afternoon and evening. Chloe fell asleep with me on the couch and it was just precious.

Then today happened. All was well. As a matter of fact, all was perfect until we all loaded up to go to St Thomas Hospital for my incision check and drain pull. On the way there fear, anxiety, and terror gripped my soul. We popped in some praise music but it just wasn't helping. I tried quoting in my mind that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear. Didn't work well. The fear and anxiety was coming from the fact that last Monday night was the last time that we had driven to St Thomas since my emergency surgery. It was the time that I honestly thought I was going to die. I was so in and out of consciousness on the way back to the hospital due to the blood loss that I really thought it was the end for me. Well, all of those emotions came at me like a ton of bricks today and I stiffened up and didn't relax for several hours after we had gotten back home.

David knew something was wrong as soon as he looked over and saw me crying silent tears. He asked and I went ahead and told him what I was thinking about. He told me that the ride for him was symbolic not of fear and anxiety, but of a time when he was able to pray aloud for me and praise God through the storm. I thought about that for a minute and then just thanked the Lord in my soul that David has grown in Christ over the past several months like nobody's business. Everyday I can see he is allowing the Lord to take over more and more control of his life and it's a beautiful thing to watch. Man, do I love that man of mine!!!

However, I am in such a place now that I can't feel God. I can't hear Him. I can't find Him. I can't see Him in anything. I feel like Job. Lord, where are you? I have been so faithful during the past 2 years of my breast cancer walk that for me to feel this during the reconstruction process is mind-boggling. Luckily, for a few minutes tonight, I was able to see and hear God speak through my friend Destiny. She happened to be at another friend's house when I called there and I was able to speak to her. She spoke truth after truth to me about God, where He is, and who the real perpetrator is right now. Satan knows he can't have me. He knows I will not ever be anything but God's child and I will never deny my faith and love for Jesus Christ. HOWEVER, he knows that if he can stop me by placing fear, anxiety, doubt, fear, anger, and depression in my life, then he can stop me from doing the work that God has set out for me to do. The work that God has specifically told me includes furthering His kingdom. Well, I cannot and will not allow Satan to do that. He will not compromise my job. He will not compromise my joy. He will not take hold of me in any way, shape or form. I am drawing the line in the sand and He WILL stand behind me and leave me alone. Enough of Satan...MORE OF CHRIST!

The next time something goes wrong...even just something as simple as a kid losing a shoe and us needing to leave the house right then, I will choose to ask Satan "is that all you've got?" and go on with my business because he will not be allowed to steal my joy anymore and ruin my days over little unimportant things. Every single one of you have the right to hold me accountable to that too. Satan has taken up waaaaay too much of my time and it infuriates me. So call me out on it, keep me accountable, and make sure that I am not like Peter walking on the water. Make sure I do not take my eyes off of Christ.

And just to update you all on my appointment. I did not get my drain out...it's still putting out waaaaay to much so it will be with me for another week. I go back next Wednesday to hopefully have it pulled. My incisions look fine. Actually, you can already barely see the one on my back. It's perfect. I'm having lots of back pain from just doing even the littlest of things for the kids and am having slight muscle spasms even though I really shouldn't be. All in all, I think things could be a lot worse so I'm just trying to rest and relax my back as much as possible and listen to my body when it screams at me to sit down and relax. Kids go to Moms Day Out tomorrow from 9-2 so I will have a good break there and then I will be on my on all day Friday with them. Maybe tomorrow's rest will be sufficient to get me through Friday. And if it's not, I'm not going to worry as God's grace will be sufficient and His strength will get me through.

Update from Surgery

2010-10-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

Well, today is Friday...day 3 post op from the second surgery. I am doing okay for all that happened on Monday and early Tuesday morning. I am still a little shell shocked at what all happened, but I try not to think about it too much because it scares me when I do.

As for my energy, it is still very low. I tend to still get a little dizzy when I stand up or change positions too quickly, but it's getting less every day. My drain is still putting out over 200mls/day which is a lot but at least we are heading in the right direction - it is getting less and less each day! I'm praying that I can get it taken out on Wednesday when I go back for my appointment. I am trying to move around a little each day to work my strength back up, but for now it's tiring when I get up to go sit outside with David. Thankfully, he loves to take care of me and help me do everything. He has been such a hero this week. I love him more and more with each day that passes and I cannot imagine my life without him. I will have to think of some fun surprise for him once I am healed.

As for pain, it's simple. If I don't move or cough, or lean back, I don't have pain. However, movement is necessary so there is always some pain involved. However, it's becoming more manageable without the heavy narcotics. I am more reserving those for night time and first thing in the morning when I wake up and am stiff. Since I have 2 incisions, one down my back and one across my chest, it is hard to find a comfortable position, but once I do, I'm good to go.

The kids are doing wonderful at gramom's house in Georgia. I talked to Chloe last night for about 10 minutes and she was full of stories and questions for me. Her main question was "will you be able to carry me when I get home?" I had to tell her no, but that she could crawl in my lap and I could hold her or she could snuggle up on the couch with me. She's very excited to get to trick-or-treat with grandparents and Brody. We over-nighted their costumes to them yesterday so hopefully they will have them today and be ready to get all candied up. The plan is to go pick them up on Wednesday I think. I miss them terribly.

Other than that, I'm just resting and taking it easy. Reading some books, watching movies, sleeping a lot, and that's it. More updates to come.

Surgery Update

2010-10-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was eventful. I had my latissimus flap reconstruction which went amazingly well. I woke up not knowing what I would look like but as soon as I looked down, I realized that God had answered my prayers and the reconstrucion worked!!! I was in tears almost. So after I was good and awake, I was able to come home.
However, that's when the drama really started. I was unable to pee (TMI, sorry) so I had to go to the urgent care center here and get a catheter. After that was done, we came back home and I emptied my drain. Then I emptied it 5 minutes later, then again 3 minutes later, and again about 3 minutes later. The drain was filling up that fast. So, we paged my plastic surgeon who advised us to come back to the ER immediately. I was losing so much blood that I was getting sick on my stomach, I fainted at least once and was very close to it multiple times. I couldn't walk down our stairs to get to the front door but instead had to sit down and go down them one at a time. I was so sick.
So, we got back to the hospital and my doctor was waiting on me. My blood pressure was only 90/54 at this point, so after Dr. Oslin assessed me and realized that I had an inernal bleed in my back, I was back in the operating room to find out where the bleeding was coming from and have it cauterized. Apparently, when he got in there he found several blood clots so he removed them figuring that the source of the bleed was a small artery underneath the clots. However, there was no bleed at that point. He said he even agitated the tissues trying to get it to bleed, and it wouldn't. So...I am choosing to believe that God answered the prayers of everyone that knew what was going on and He is the one who stopped it.
We stayed in the hospital till about noon and then were able to come back home. I am still draining a bit much, but nothing compared to yesterday. I think my total for yesterday was 700ml (almost a full liter) in a 7 hour time period. Today, it's been about 250 all day long. My blood counts are low, which explains the dizziness, fatigue, rapid heartbeat etc..., but they should start coming up now that there is no active bleeding going on.
I'm doing okay. The pain meds are working well for my pain, and I am resting quite well. David is being a true gem and getting me everything I need before I can even ask him. He really loves me and loves taking care of me when I am sick.
Thanks for all of your prayers. It means the world to me and David and we are both confident that our Lord heard them all and honored each one of them. Love and hugs...(sorry if this is a bit random sounding, it's the drugs I'm sure).

What a Week!

2010-10-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

This has been such a crazy week. I have ridden the emotional roller coaster and held on for dear life. There were days (Monday and Tuesday) that I was upside down on the roller coaster and my seat belt was coming undone. And then there were days that were spent climbing the hill getting ready for the exciting time that is to come. Today however, the roller coaster has slowed to a near stop and I am breathing again normally. My heart rate is normal. My smile is wider than it's been in a long time and my peace is the peace that only Jesus can give.

I am going in for surgery again on Monday. This is to attempt another reconstruction (called a latissimus flap) on the left breast. The first one failed and I have accepted that. I am ready to move forward with this next surgery knowing the following things:
1. This is probably going to work... there is a very small failure rate.
2. If this in fact does work, there will be one final surgery to replace the expanders with implants in 3 months.
3. If this does NOT work, this will be my last and final attempt at boobs.
4. If this does NOT work, there will be a grieving period I am quite sure.
5. If this does NOT work, then God intended it that way and for whatever reason, it will bring Him more glory. Maybe I will be used to encourage someone else along the way whose reconstruction fails. Or maybe others will look at me and see that you can still be sweet and sassy without boobs. Or maybe just maybe someone will see that my identity is NOT in my chest but is in Christ and that will encourage them.
6. I am NOT a bad person for trying a second time to have what was taken away from me by cancer. I had amputations. Lost 2 body parts.
7. I am NOT a bad mom for letting my kids spend quality time with their grandparents in Atlanta while I recover from this surgery the first week.
8. I am going to have a hard time recovering as there will be 2 incisions that are about 7 inches in length, one on my back and one across my chest. There will also be a drain again and it is a same day surgery.
9. I know that God is going to supply and meet all of my needs during this recovery time and I will depend on Him for that.
10. I know that my husband is going to be a phenomenal support to me just as he has been over the past 2 years, but probably stressed about having his wife at home in pain. So if you see him out, do me a favor and ask him how HE is doing. Make sure he is feeling okay about however my surgery turns out and ask if HE needs anything.
11. And finally, pray for my children that they will have a wonderful time at Gramom and Grandaddy's house and won't get homesick.

I will have David update the blog Monday afternoon or evening. My surgery is at 12:30 and will last about 3 hours. I will be in recovery for about 2 hours or so until I can wake up and be coherent enough to come home. Love and hugs to each of you!

Done Settling for This Life

2010-10-15T20:17:00.000-05:00

I want more! I desire more. And I know I will get it because Jesus says (in John 10:10) that he didn't come to just bring life...but that He came to give ABUNDANT life. So, I'm taking that promise and I'm claiming my abundance because quite frankly, I've been living a life with quite a shortage in the department of abundance. I've been willing to settle for "just okay" in my life lately and it's not working for me anymore. I feel like I'm back in the wilderness just wandering around aimlessly with fears, and worry, anxiety, and questions, negativity, and sadness. These were things that I haven't really struggled with since the beginning of my journey through breast cancer, but suddenly they are back. I worry about my upcoming surgery to try once again to build a boob on my radiated side. Attempt 1 was a failure, so if attempt 2 doesn't work, I face the possibility of living a life without boobs. Now, for those of you who are reading this thinking "well at least she's alive" I totally agree, but it's still hard to know that you've had 2 body parts removed with the expectations of having them put back on and it not work. It's still hard to think that I may never be able to wear the V-neck top or normal bathing suit when I take my babies to the pool. It's still hard to think about the fact that cancer creeped its way into my body and left me abnormal forever. Am I vain? NO! I have wondered this and questioned myself time and time again in regards to this, but I can assure you as can my friends and family who know me well, that I am one of the least vain people you will ever know. And on top of facing that I may never have a new set of girls comes the fact that I will also never be able to have more children. I don't think I have mentioned that much on here and that's been because of more backlash/opinions I am afraid of getting. I do have 2 amazingly beautiful children...YES! I am blessed beyond measure in that department. However, I missed almost the entire 1st year of Brody's life due to being so sick. It's so hard to know you have an infant that you just want to rock, cuddle, pour into, and love on, but can't because you are weak, tired, and have no strength to even do that...much less the strength to get on the floor and play all day long. I long to be able to hold another baby of my own. I am grieving the fact that there will never be another pregnancy test to take and get excited over. It saddens me to think of never having another baby in our home. I feel like I am just being stripped of all of the things that make me a woman and I HATE it.

BUT...and this is a big BUT...I know that there is more than what this crappy life has to offer. I know that Jesus has invited us to experience being FREE, and taking God up on His offer of abundant life is how I plan to become free. I love this quote from Priscilla Shirer's book "One In A Million"...Satan is bent on burdening us hour after hour, making us seriously doubt that there is any deliverance available to us, then sapping us so completely of strength until we won't feel like calling out for help even if it does exist." And this my friends is where I have been this past week...

So, how am I going to accept this Promised Land/Abundant Life? How am I really going to be able to claim it this time and not be the Israelites who kept wandering around the desert complaining that Egypt was better? Well, I'm still reading the book, studying God's Word, and praying that He would show me what I need to do, or get rid of, or let go of so that I can live the John 10:10 way.

If you have any words of encouragement, or can speak from personal experience of losing part of "who you are" then please feel free to comment. If you read this and can't offer either one of those things, then just pray for me and love me where I am at in this season of life.

Nevermind

2010-10-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

I take back what I said in the previous blog. I just got home from Kate's house and the pain, grief, and overwhelming heartache has set in. I cannot even begin to express the guilt that I feel that breast cancer took my friend and not me. Why her? It was all I could do to answer "yes" when her sweet family asked if I was doing well with my health. I felt like I was rubbing it in or something.

And then the kicker of it all...Tim pulled me aside and said that Kate had left something for me but that he wanted to give it to me when there weren't so many people around. That's my sweet friend...always thinking of others even in her own pain and suffering.
I miss her so much!!!
Please keep praying for her husband and family. And I also selfishly need some prayers too as I try to work through this process.

2010 Race for the Cure

2010-10-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

Today was a very important day for Team Blevins.

Today was emotional.

Today was beautiful.

Today was almost perfect.

Today...October 9, 2010 was the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Brentwood, TN. This is our 2nd annual race and it was totally different than last year. You see, last year I was still in treatment during the race and didn't really consider myself a survivor since I was still getting treatments. I think it was a protective coping mechanism. I was overwhelmed by the number of people there who were walking in memory of a lost loved one. I was much more sad than I was happy.

This year however, I really felt like a survivor. I am currently a 20 month survivor. This year I saw more survivors and more people walking in celebration of their loved ones. I participated in the Survivor's Parade and looked back at all of the other ladies who were lined up behind the 25 year survivor sign. I noticed the lady who was carrying a huge "5" balloon which signifies that she is CURED! I noticed all these signs of hope everywhere.

But...there was one element of sadness. Kate. I miss her. I wanted her there to walk with me. I wanted to cross that finish line with her. I wanted to share this day with her. Not fair. Not fair at all! Instead of doing those things, I walked in memory of my best friend and chemo buddy. I did "see" her today though. Bare with me and please don't think I'm crazy. On the way to the race, I asked the Lord to please let Kate be with me today...to please give me a glimpse of her in some special way. I kid you not that at the 1 mile mark, a sparrow flew right in front of me...as in I didn't even have to look up to see it, and it landed in the pear tree that we were walking by. I truly believe that the Lord gave me a special glimpse/reminder/hello from Kate and my heart swelled with emotion - joy! It was incredible. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before.

Anyways, we took in every element of the day from the Survivor-palooza breakfast to the tents with free items, the parade, the race, etc... It was amazing. No more speaking as our pictures are worth more than 1000 words.

Much love to each of you who have encouraged, prayed for, and blessed our family with your kindness and love. There is nothing that could repay you except to say that we love you and are eternally grateful to have you in our lives.

My sweet Chloe

My Super Hero - The BreastMan!

Carb loading with a cookie before the race

He needs all the carbs he can get. He can't afford to lose any weight :)

This ribbon means the world to Team Blevins 4.0

David with the Hooters Girl

Family photo op

Loved all the T-Shirts...especially this one since I went to Vandy for treatments

Lord only knows what he is looking at

Funny shirt...there were so many great ones

Walking in memory of my sweet friend

Walking in celebration of ME!

Lining up for the Survivor Parade

Do you see the numbers? They represent how many years you have been cancer free. 5 is considered cured and I am determined to make it to that one and then eventually to the 25 years and beyond!

LOVE these shirts!

Family pic again with David's cousin and his soon to be wife!

Lined up for the race

Chloe walking for a cure

She is really on the move...you go girl! The carb loading worked!

Rainbow Care Bear...slightly creepy looking!

Post-race...tired, sweaty, but happy to be here in the company of people with a common goal.

Movin' On Up...

2010-09-23T05:05:00.000-05:00

To the mountains that is. And only for 4 days. BUT...these 4 precious days in Gatlinburg are worth silver, gold, platinum, frankincence, myrhh, and whatever else you could imagine (except copper as my level is still toxic on that one -HA!)
I am headed to the Ladies of Legacy (you can google it) women's only retreat with my friend Kelly and probably 30 other women that I do NOT know, but will come to know soon. This group was started, I think, with just 4 women several years ago as a long weekend to just get away, relax, study God's Word, eat, shop, form new friendships etc... Through the years it has grown and now I am going as a "freshman" and am thrilled (why else would I be up at 4:30 writing a blog?) We stay in a huge chalet and have a roommate which is someone that you DO know. I can just picture it now...
My plan...? TO BE INTENTIONAL with God for 4 solid days. No excuses made! No, "mommy, mommy, mommy, he did this, she said this, get me...." The only distraction I am counting on is being so in love with the beauty of the mountains around me that the Creator made for me. I am taking my Bible, journal, iPod for sermons and worship music, and an open heart and spirit so that I can take in whatever God has in store for this tired and weary soul.
Please pray that I do not get distracted by the shopping trips that are going to be going on (which is also totally fine - just not my purpose this time) as I do LOVE to shop. Also, pray for my family as I am away. I know that David is going to be just fine with the kids, but I have NEVER left him, by himself, with them for more than 1 night. Chloe has been crying that she is scared I will fall off the mountain, that she should go too since it's a girls' trip, that I should stay home in case daddy goes to work, that I might get scared of the bears, etc... You name it, this child has thought of it.
And my specific prayer requests, if you want to know what I will specifically be praying for so you can too if you feel led:
1. That I am making the right decision in moving forward with a latissimus flap in regards to my reconstruction.
2. That I will finally be able to rest in the confidence that He has healed me forever as He has shown me.
3. That I can make the final touches to a speech that I am giving to 2 different groups when I return. I will be telling my story through breast cancer and I want to make sure I give God full glory, without missing a beat, keep it somewhat light-hearted and funny, and at the end have everyone trusting in God and seeing His ways are always PERFECT.
4. that I can be a more intentional mom. Lately at night, the kids and I have been setting aside 30 minutes before bedtime to do puzzles, color, play dinosaurs, or whatever they want to do together. It has been such a fun way to end the day, but I want to work more of that into my days while still being able to run a household and rest when my body tells me I need to rest. Usually we get out of the house every day for some fun activity for them while I have a chance to catch up with other mommy friends, but I feel like I need to and want to have more 1 on 1's with them throughout the day.

Thanks friends...I will update as soon as I return as there will be no computer with me this weekend (another distraction of mine). I am taking my phone though because I really think my SIL is going to have her baby today or tomorrow so I MUST know when I become an aunt again!!!!

Here's Me...open, honest, and authentic

2010-09-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

If you don't like to read any types of posts except for the "life is perfect" ones, than I must warn you that you need to hop off of this blog and on to another one REALLY fast because I have so much going on right now that I have got to get it off of my chest and journaling is the way I do that...obviously. Those who have been following my blog for a while know that I am a normally pretty positive person especially in regards to my cancer being healed, my incredible growth and walk with the Lord, and just in my life in general.

Well, today, there were several people who made comments to me about my reconstruction process. Let me explain this to everyone once and for all how this works...for me. Both my general surgeon who did my mastectomies and my oncologist (chemo doctor) agreed that my cancer was too aggressive and too far progressed to worry about getting the tissue expanders placed at the time of my initial surgeries. They both wanted me to get through all of the chemo and radiation FIRST because truly life is more important that boobs. That being said, I followed their advice and felt (and still do feel) 100% comfortable with that decision.
When it was time for me to begin the reconstruction process, I went to a plastic surgeon who is highly recommended in Nashville, highly trained in breast reconstruction, and I happen to know 2 women in my city who have used the same surgeon so I have seen his work and he is good! So, what's the problem? RADIATION! When you have radiation, your skin shrinks, scar tissue forms, and you acutally are sunken in in the chest area. It is very difficult to reconstruct radiated tissue, but after talking with Dr. O, we both agreed that placing tissue expanders was the best option to start with for me. I asked him about other options such as a TRAM flap (using stomach muscle and vessels to build a boob) which he was very honest with me and told me that in his opinion I was NOT a candidate for it becauase radiated skin has poor blood supply and it probably wouldn't take, but that he would refer me out to somewhere else if that was what I really wanted to do. To me, that's a great surgeon right there. To admit that he doesn't think it will work for me but will send me to a second opinion if I want one.
Now, tissue expanders look like implants but they start out as empty and there is a port in them where the doctor injects saline weekly. The goal is to stretch the skin and the muscle enough to be able to place an implant in eventually. The expander goes in between the muscle and the skin in a pocket that is created. Each week when I get expanded, it is the worst pain I have ever had. It gets worse with each expansion as there is more and more fluid going into that radiated side and hardly any expansion is happening. My skin and scar tissue is just too fragile and not wanting to cooperate. The other side (without the cancer) is expanding perfectly and I couldn't be more happy. Percocet and Valium are essential to me even being able to breathe for the 3 days after expansions because all of the fluid, instead of pushing everything forward, is staying put and putting extreme pressure on my ribs, muscles, etc... I feel like I am walking around with broken ribs.

Tomorrow I will have 600 cc's total in my radiated side which should put me at a D. However, I am not even an A yet. This is by no fault of my surgeon. I wish people understood that. This is because this is how my body is reacting. Does is frustrate me? YES! Does is make me sad? YES! And am I beginning to feel pretty hopeless? FOR SURE!
I am confused at to what my next step should be. Here are the options that I have...
1. keep expanding and pray that eventually the scar tissue will just give and the saline will go where it is supposed to. If I do that, I have 4 more expansions left.
2. Go ahead and let the PS take me back to the OR and allow him to clean out more scar tissue and then place the expander back in and keep moving forward with hopes that with less scar tissue there will be better results.
3. Have a latissimus flap done. This is where they will find skin from areas of my side and back and graft it onto my chest to allow me to be able to have an implant placed. This is my last resort as I know that skin grafts are difficult, painful, and I just am not ready to resign to this decision.

I wish life were easy. I wish so bad that someone would just tell me what to do and not give me a choice. I wish I were normal. I wish that cancer had never entered my life. I wish that my friend Kate were still here to help me make decisions as she would be walking this same journey with me and we would be a great support to each other. As of now, no one that I know has walked in my shoes as far as having expanders placed after radiation. I wish there were no pain. I wish the tears would stop for good. I wish that my family didn't have to deal with me and all of my junk all of the time. I wish all of these things were not just wishful thinking. But the thing I wish the most is that the hope and security that I had in my God were as strong as it was when I was first diagnosed. I wish I had the hope and belief that all of the numerous times He has told me that I am healed forever were not being overshadowed by the thought that any day my cancer will be back. I feel like I am turning into the Israelites who kept forgetting the amazing things that God had done to prove Himself to them and that's the last thing I need is to be like that. I don't want anymore "wandering in the desert."

I know all of these feelings make me human. I know that these are a normal part of the process of recovering, grieving losses, etc... but I'm just tired of it all.
Next week I leave for 4 days to a women's conference where there is a Bible study, but most of the time is just for us moms to be able to relax, read, shop, or whatever we want to do. I can guarantee you that what I will be doing is being intentional with the Lord and our time together. I will be praying and begging for an answer as to what to do. I will be on my knees before my Lord praising Him for the 33 years I have had and asking Him to bless me with many many more.
Please be in prayer for me.
Love and hugs to each of you!
Kelly

Komen Race For The Cure Coming Up!!!

2010-08-31T14:38:00.001-05:00

To my closest and dearest friends and family,
I am asking (and not above begging) each of you to please join me in the fight against breast cancer by pledging your support in the Race for the Cure that will be happening in Brentwood, TN in just under 40 days.

As all of you know, I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer 20 months ago and am currently considered cancer-free. I still have 3.5 years to go until I am considered "cured" by the doctors, but with amazing foundations such as the Komen Foundation, a cure may very well be just around the corner and it wouldn't even be a matter of having to wait 5 years to hear that word. When you are in the midst of a life-threatening illness, 5 years seems like FOREVER to wait to hear the word CURED. I am determined to hear those words, not just for me and my family, but in memory of my best friend Kate who lost her battle with breast cancer 5 months ago. She left me her pair of pink boxing gloves with instructions to NEVER give up fighting. So that it what I am doing! This is for her too!

Your tax-deductible contribution will fund local outreach, awareness and treatment programs for the medically under-served in our community. And... up to twenty-five percent of your donation will support national cutting-edge breast cancer research (which is near and dear to my heart as I was in 2 clinical trials).

Visit my personal fundraising page and consider making a tax-deductible donation to support my participation! My goal this year is to raise $1000. I know we can do this together with your help. Please feel free to forward this information/blogsite to anyone you know who may be interested in contributing. I will keep everyone up to date on the progress we are making and will be sure to post lots of pictures of Team Blevins as we walk our 2nd annual Race for the Cure.

Love,
Kelly, David, Chloe and Brody Blevins (TEAM BLEVINS!!)

Another Bump in the Road

2010-08-25T23:00:00.001-05:00

Well today was yet another bump in this rather long road I've been on the past 19 or 20 months. Today was tissue expansion day...or as I like to call it "pump up day." When my sweet nurse called my name to come back, I just had a lot on my mind and of course she could tell because usually I am just as happy and perky as can be. We chatted for a second and then Dr Oslin came in. I told him that I was really worried about the left side not looking right but that the right side was perfect. I totally expected him to encourage me and tell me to just be patient because radiated skin takes a while to work with, but instead he told me that he was concerned as well. And then, the tears started to well up, the heart started to speed up, and my voice got shaky. We talked about what my options were which I will share in a moment, but I left that office today just really really down, discouraged, and questioning everything.

So here are the options that I have right now concerning the reconstruction:
1. keep getting the weekly injections into the expanders until I just can't take the pain anymore or we see that it's just NOT going to stretch anymore
2. go back in for another surgery and break up some scar tissue and try to stretch me all at once making the "pocket" for the eventual implant as big as we can get it (all I want is a B - I don't need my boobs to be my GPS and lead me everywhere)
3. go back into surgery and take out the expander on that side and do a latissimus flap where they take skin/fat from the side and back and build a boob from that
4. forget the entire reconstruction process all together

See now why I left there discouraged?!? This was supposed to be the happy part of breast cancer. And now it may not work the way it should?!? So, I had a good chat with God on my way home from the doctor today. I pretty much just laid it all out there and told him that I know that in the grand scheme of things, stretching my skin for me probably wasn't the most major need, but that since I cared about it, I knew He did too so I just asked him to please allow my skin to start cooperating and to please stretch it the way it should. I told him that I just wanted to be "normal" again. I just want to look like a woman in a bathing suit when I take my little ones swimming, to be able to wear cute tops that have a V-neck or dresses that are empire waisted. And then He clearly said to me that my identity is NOT in my body, but is in Him. But the way He said it to me was so lovingly...not at all scolding for seeming to be vain. It was true peace that flowed over me. At this point, I feel like I am supposed to keep doing what I am doing and am going to trust that God will stretch my skin. I sort of have a plan for when to stop the stretching and move on to something else, but am going to just let the Lord of my life lead me in that decision.
When I got home and told my husband about the appointment, he extremely lovingly hugged me and reassured me that he would always support and love me regardless of the outcome. I know this, but it is always nice to hear him tell me this fact.
So I am once again going to ask for my prayer warriors to join my family in praying that my skin and muscles would stretch the way that they should on that radiated side so that I will not need 2 more surgeries instead of just the 1 more.
Love to each of you and again, I thank you all for taking my burdens to the feet of Jesus with me.

Psalm 71:20-21: "You have allowed me to suffer much hardship but you will RESTORE me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will RESTORE me to even greater honor and comfort me once again."

Celebrating Life A Lot this Week

2010-08-18T06:47:00.000-05:00

This week, beginning today, we celebrate lots of LIFE. I'll explain...

Today, August 17th, 2010 marks my 1 year anniversary of being done with chemo. Yes, last year, I was getting my 16th and final round of chemo. Here's a few pics to show where I was and where I am now.

July 16th - chemo birthday party

August 18th, Brody's 1st birthday party

October 10th - Race for the Cure in Brentwood

July 4th - St Louis zoo with my favorite baby boy ever!

July 4th - leaving the Arch with my favorite little girl

Now tomorrow (Aug. 18th) we will celebrate Brody's 2nd birthday. Cannot believe my baby is 2. These have been the fastest and sometimes slowest 2 years of my life, but one thing is for sure...he has brought so much joy to my life through the suffering I have been through. Here are some pics to show his growth along this past year...(sniff sniff)

November 2009

December 2009

April 2010

Recent. Can you believe what a big boy he has grown into these past 12 months??!

And finally, David and I celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary this Saturday, August 21st. In six years we have survived learning how to live together, moving to a new state, building a home, have 2 children, and cancer. It's amazing the grace that God has poured over us and how he has protected our marriage. 70% of couples will divorce when cancer enters the picture...a very sad, but true statistic.

So, happy week to Team Blevins!!!

Showing Off...

2010-08-14T16:13:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that I appreciate you all praying about my upcoming needs with childcare and help so that I can get to my appoinments at St Thomas Hospital each week. Within 24 hours of posting that last post, God not only showed up and provided, but He truly showed off! Every single need that I have has been taken care of. That means I have been provided help 4 days every single week through October by the wonderful community that I live in. I just could not believe that things would work out so quickly. I absolutely knew that God would provide...there was never any question about that. But the speed at which it occured blew me away.

So, thank you to my sweet friends who have committed to serving my family for the next 6-7 weeks, and for those of you who couldn't help out in this way, thank you for keeping the prayers coming. They are being heard, and they ARE being answered. Love and hugs to each of you.

Very Short Post

2010-08-09T22:35:00.000-05:00

I have had a really rough and emotional day today so I'm getting right to the point. I am overwhelmed. I need prayer. Here's what's up.

1. On Wednesdays - every week - I drive to Nashville to get my tissue expanders injected. I need someone to drive me and the kids down or someone to stay at my house with my kids and I can just go by myself.
2. On Thursdays I am heavily medicated due to the pain the expanders cause on my radiated side so I need someone to pick up my kids from school at 2:00 and bring them home to me where I will just skip my pain meds until David can get home from work
3. I need a sitter from 9-4 on Fridays because again, I am heavily medicated on this day and I have physical therapy to get to so my sitter would need to be able to take me to and from there.
4. And...I also need a sitter on Tuesdays until school starts after labor day for my 2 kids while I am in physical therapy.

It's almost too much for me to even think about or worry about because I KNOW the Lord will provide, but I am easily overwhelmed when I think about all of the help that I am going to need.

Please pray with me through these things that people will just come through and be able to bless our family during these next few months. I think I am going to send an email out to my church asking if they know of anyone who can help us out, and also send one to our community group. I'm getting kind of desperate as my MIL will be leaving in the next few days and then it's just me and David left to figure this whole thing out on our own.

Introducing "Our New Child"

2010-08-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

So I would like to introduce you to "our new child" Her name in Mitha Lerison. She is an 8 year old precious little girl from Haiti who we have decided to sponsor through Food for the Hungry. She just had a birthday in June and I so wish I had had her before her birthday. Although we are not allowed to send gifts, I would have at least sent her some stickers or something in her letter. Anyways, this little girl has her own chore at home. She washes dishes. THAT is what she does! She DOES NOT go to school even though it only costs 6 US Dollars to go each year. Her family just simply CANNOT afford it. She was affected during the earthquake. A very fast 30 second earthquake ruined too many people's lives. Think about it. Think about how fast 30 seconds goes by. In 30 seconds, I went from being healthy to getting a call telling me I had cancer. In 30 seconds, my little girl can go from happy, to frustrated, to amazingly happy again. In 30 seconds a tornado can come through and destroy a city like it did here several years ago. In 30 seconds your life can change DRASTICALLY! And literally for $32 dollars each month, we have the blessing to be able to sponsor Mitha and hopefully change her life drastically in a positive manner. Do you know what $32/month means for MOST families??? It means NOT going out to eat once/month. It means starting to use coupons when you do your grocery shopping. It means saving $8/week.
I cannot tell you how my heart has been burdened for this little girl. I just keep thinking about her, her family, her friends, her life, and the fact that the Lord commands us to take care of the orphans, poor, and widows. I literally look around at all that we have and it saddens me. It makes me feel so selfish to see that we want for stupid things like iPhones, new cars, private/home schooling for our children, new toys, big birthday parties for the kids, etc... What I would love to do is bring Mitha here and just spoil her rotten with love, attention, school, church, and anything she wants. I really have a peace that her parents are doing the best they can with what they have and I am not saying they don't love her or give her attention. I guess I just want to show her that I do care about her, and she has a very special place in my family. Chloe told me the other day, "mommy, I have 2 Cinderella dresses. I know!!, I'll send one to Mitha." Can I tell you how huge my heart swelled and how I almost cried that she is learning to think about others and care for the less fortunate. While we cannot send gifts like that, we did buy a whole book of princess stickers and car stickers for her to share with her brothers that we plan to send in her next letter.
BUT, the most exciting news that comes out of all of this...WE ARE GOING TO HAITI IN FEBRUARY AND WILL GET TO MEET OUR SWEET MITHA!!!! We are going with a group from Food for the Hungry to help with whatever they need help with...orphanages, cleaning, rebuilding, etc...anything! We got connected with this organization through our worship pastor at church who is the the lead singer for Building 429. They work with Food for the Hungry and get children sponsored at each of their concerts. I really really love the way they do it too. As of now, there are NO pictures of the children in the packet. You choose the gender you want and then you will get your child, their picture, and some things about them and their city and family in the mail about 2 weeks later. I love this because it's like when you put pictures out, all of the cute little kids get chosen...the older ones like Mitha are lots of times overlooked. I'll be honest, I wouldn't have chosen her had I seen a sweet little 2 or 3 year old boy or girl. But I think she was meant to be connected with our family and God made that happen.
Please check out their website and pray about sponsoring a child of your own. It will not only change their lives, it will change yours...I PROMISE! And while you are at it, check out Building 429 website. They are absolutely fabulous and we are super blessed to be in Jason and his wife's community group at church. You can actually sponser a child by just going to their website. Here it is too.

www.building429.com

http://www.fh.org/

Just Felt Like Journaling

2010-07-27T18:47:00.000-05:00

So today has been a very mediocre day after a pretty darn good one yesterday. I decided to try to sleep in my bed again last night as the last 2 weeks have been spent sleeping in our big comfy cozy chair. And that, my friends, was my downfall. Could NOT move this morning AT ALL! David had to help me out of bed. Took about 4-5 hours to get the pain under control, but it is now and for that I am grateful...like eternally grateful!
Tomorrow is my big day at the plastic surgeon's office. I am getting my first "pump up." Admittedly I am a little nervous as they will be sticking a needle in my chest, through the chest muscle and putting some saline in the expander. And they are doing this twice (each side)!!! Eeeek, I'll report back soon after its done to report on how this goes.

Next, I want to talk about a song we sang at church Sunday which had me raising my good arm and just reaching as high as I could to my Jesus in honor and praise to him. The lyrics that I am specifically speaking of are:

Let me sing

Louder than creation to you

For the pain you bore your body

To bring my soul to you

WOW! Those lyrics get me everytime. I had tears streaming as I sang to my Lord. He KNOWS my pain, He CARES about my pain, and He SUFFERED my pain to bring my soul to Him. How incredibly humbling is that!!!

Let's see...oh, I am doing an entirely seperate blog on our "new child" because she deserves her own special blog. You will see what I mean soon. Talk about stealing my heart...she has totally stolen my heart and I already love her. Lord willing, we will get to meet her in February. God is so incredibly good!

And in the next day or so I have another blog I will be posting on a sermon I listened to today. If you don't know Pastor Steven Furtick from Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC, you should totally look up his church and start listening to his sermons online or on your iPod today. Not tomorrow...TODAY! He had one of the best ones today titled "In Christ Alone...You Don't Suck Anymore." Here's the link because I don't want anyone to have an excuse. http://www.elevationchurch.org/. So for the ones of you who won't listen to it, or don't have the time, I'll give the run-down of it soon as I took 3 pages of notes because it was speaking truth right into my life.

Love and hugs to each of you...although hugs hurt right now so fist bumps (as my almost 2 year old says) will have to do.

Holy Crap I Had No Idea...

2010-07-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

Alright, I must forewarn you that I am in no mood to be positive or politically correct, or anything else for that matter because it is now post-op day 8 and my pain level is still about an 8. I feel like ~~shit,~~ (crap), look like ~~shit,~~ (crap), and pretty much see my world as such. I STILL have this dang JP drain in which I thought would stop draining after 3 days and come out after 7, but NOPE, not this time. Darcy the Drain is hanging in there and still draining. And yes, I have named her because she is totally a part of me now. Although, one wrong move this evening from me and she was almost accidentally ripped out. Yes, she got snagged on something and it ripped a stitch out. Talk about hurting like ~~hell~~ (the dickens)...it hurt so bad I almost fainted.
For those of you who know me personally or have been following my blog for the past 19 months, you know I am generally not a cuss-er, or negative nancy, or anything like that because I serve a Risen God who is full of grace so what do I really have to be grumpy about? So, just bear with me and I will be done soon with this---I hope!

So here is what I want to do...a list of pros and cons to the surgery I just had (prophylactic mastectomy and tissue expanders).

PRO:
I no longer have either of my real boobs so the chance of a local recurrence is slim - real slim
I no longer am walking around as "The One Boob Wonder" since I am now evened out - flat as a pancake
I will NEVER EVER EVER have to wear a bra again.
I will be the hottest 90 year old in the nursing home because I will be perky and everyone else will be saggy sue
Chloe will not ask me if my other boob fell off anymore! Now she just tells me that she and I match - LOVELY!
I will get to watch them grow right before my very eyes on a weekly basis.
Shirts, bathing suits, etc... will fit right again
Insurance is paying for this whole thing so YIPPEEEE - at least that's one thing Obama didn't change for women who have had breast cancer and need reconstruction. Good job Mr Prez.

CON:
The pain really does suck. They not only took my last remaining boob off, but they also cut the pec muscles and slid in tissue expanders to stretch my skin in preparation for the implants.
My skin will be harder to stretch (more painful) due to the radiation that tightened it
I will have needles stuck into the chest muscles every week to expand them
I will have muscle spasms and be on valium and pain meds during the whole process.
My husband thinks I should ask for a size K (for Kelly). I told him with as much pain as I'm in he will be lucky to get an A minus.

And I think that is quite enough of this type of blog. Now, on to my sermon listening (can't sleep due to pain) and maybe tomorrow I will feel better and can write on a happier note. You know what though, I totally hate reading other people's blogs who seem to always have their crap together and nothing in life is hard or upsetting. We all know THEY ARE LIARS. The Bible tells us life is going to be hard so we need not even act surprised. So I strive to be authentic and include the good, the bad, and the ugly. That being said, sorry if I offended anyone. Sleep well blog friends, sleep well.

It's Been A Long Time Coming

2010-07-11T22:15:00.000-05:00

So I sit here at 10:04 PM on Sunday night reflecting over the past 19 months trying NOT to get caught up in the pity party that Satan is wanting me to have but instead rejoicing in the promises that God has given me.
In just 12 short hours, I will be sitting, once again, in the pre-op area of St Thomas hospital awaiting my second surgery in a series of 3. I am having a prophylactic mastectomy on the right side and will also be getting tissue expanders put in as well. For those of you who do not know what expanders are, they are placed behind the chest muscle in order to stretch the skin in preparation for the final surgery - reconstruction. This is definitely a good type of surgery and I am definitely grateful to be having this done, but there is that little part of me that wants to go to a place of self-pity in regards to the pain and muscle spasms that I will inevitably have. So, instead of making this a long post, I just need to ask for prayers for myself, my doctors, and nurses, and my family during my healing. And I am going to get in the Word and hopefully fall asleep reading the promises that he has for me.

Much love and many thanks to each of you who have stuck through this past crazy year and a half with me and know that I am eternally grateful for every single one of you and the prayers that you have offered on my behalf.

Very Interesting News To Share

2010-07-09T01:42:00.000-05:00

If you have estrogen positive breast cancer or know anyone who does, then this is a MUST READ post.
Last week, I went to see a natural medicine doctor here in Clarksville. Now, before you think this guy is probably just a quack let me just say that this man was educated at Johns Hopkins and did his residency at the Mayo Clinic. He was a family physician first, but then became a doctor who wanted to focus more on the preventative side of health instead of fixing things after they are already broken. So, I went to see him so that I could just figure out what I could do to prevent my cancer from coming back and how I could just get healthy in general. I don't sleep well at all, have a hard time falling asleep, have bowel issues (yes, TMI), hot flashes from induced menopause, fatigue, irritability, weight gain, etc... Things just are NOT right with my body and I am tired of just putting a band-aid over the problem...I want to prevent even having to buy a band-aid. And this is where this doctor comes in.

At my first visit, he spent so much time with me, that I actually had to tell him that I had to go because my babysitter had to be home. Now tell me how many doctors actually do that nowadays. Anyways, he ordered some labwork and I got the most interesting abnormal result - a very high blood level of copper. Now my doctor is out of town so he left a message for me of what I needed to do about it and said that we would talk more next week when he returned. I decided to google what this could mean and this is what I discovered...
HIGH COPPER LEVELS IN THE BLOOD CAN INCREASE ESTROGEN LEVELS WHICH HAVE BEEN LINKED TO CAUSING ESTROGEN POSITIVE BREAST CANCER. HIGH COPPER LEVELS ALSO CAN CAUSE THYROID DISEASE AND POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION.
So, at my age, it is rare for breast cancer to be estrogen positive. My surgeon was very surprised that it was positive! Also, I developed a thyroid mass (benign) and after both of my children I did have post-partum depression. HOLY COW!!!! This could be something as simple as a high copper level?!? All of these really crappy things that have happened?!? I can't wait for my doctor to get back to discuss all of this with him and to also get the rest of my lab results. And I am wondering if my kidney stones are due to high copper levels too. I'll know soon enough I guess.

Another thing that has been related to breast cancer is that melatonin (what makes us sleepy when it gets dark) drastically affects how breast cancer grows. Here is an article from WEBMD that explains it.

And finally, I have a very low level of Vitamin D in my body. Here is how that is linked to breast cancer:

I am absolutely convinced that leading a healthy lifestyle and taking care of your body by eating the foods it needs (and that God has provided for us) is essential is fighting all disease. Here's to getting and staying healthy!

My Thirst Is Being Quenched

2010-06-29T06:35:00.003-05:00

So very many new, exciting (and some not so exciting) things have been happening lately that I need to catch everyone up on. I have been through a short (by the grace of God) spell of spiritual drought, but am back on again with letting the Living Water quench my ever so thirsty self. The Lord has provided a miracle, a new desire to get back into His word, and a new excitement about my next Bible Study.

So to start, let me just tell you about my health junk. For the past month, I have had a kidney stone that absolutely LOVED my body. First, it fell in love with my kidney and set up camp there for a while, then it moved on down, but refused to leave my body. As in, it set up camp, blocked my pee (TMI, I know), and had me in tears from pain most days for the past month. It's costed me a hospital ER visit, 3 doctor visits, 2 pain med prescriptions, and a lot of emotional turmoil thinking that instead of a stone it was really a tumor and my cancer had spread (I know, I know that's crazy, but when cancer comes into your life, every symptom that you have for a while afterwards makes you think its cancer again). Anyways, I was absolutely DONE with this thing, and wanted it out of my body but was not able to get into the kidney specialist at Vanderbilt until today. So, moving right along, this past Friday night happened to be Night of Worship at my friends' church. I love going so I was thrilled about it. At the end of the service, a lady there who is a true intercessory prayer warrior came and prayed over me. I tell you now that within 12 hours, that dang stone either passed or was dissolved by the Lord because what I couldn't get rid of for a month with conventional methods, was gone after intense prayer. Now, maybe it was simply her prayer, or my faith that I would be healed, or both, but regardless, my kidney stone and I broke up and he packed his bags and left.
GOOD BYE and GOOD RIDDANCE! I'm going on to my urology appointment today and will update with the news later.

Now, moving on to my quiet times in the mornings. I went through every single day last week and only got up once to have my time alone with the Lord. And to be honest, He showed up and I only partially showed up. Instead of meeting face to face with my Saviour as normal, we met over a cell phone line with a really staticky connection... meaning my heart just wasn't there at all(meaning, NO, I do NOT have a LITERAL direct phone line to God so don't take that statement at face value - this time, just read into it). However, He has sparked a new season for me and I am again thirsty! This time though, instead of doing a Bible Study in the mornings, I am listening to sermons on my iPod and taking mad notes. I have learned so much in just 2 days that I am amazed! AND...here is the other exciting bit of news. I AM doing a Bible Study at night...but I am doing it with my HUSBAND!!! You have no idea how much this truly excites me and ignites this new passion in me (and is again, another answer to prayer). We have decided to do Beth Moore's study on Daniel (he was a little skeptical about doing a girly study with me so I thought this one would be the least girly and he loves the book of Daniel and prophecy). We started last night with the session 1 video and cannot wait to see where this journey takes us. It's going to be intense, and exciting to say the least.

And now for an update on my friends who are going through cancer treatment now:
Roben: stage 3, met in a mom's group a few years ago, is 3/4 of the way through with her first round of chemo drugs. She is doing wonderful with them!!! After 3 more treatments, she will have a 1 month break, then have her double mastectomy, have another 1 month break, and then finish chemo with another round of different chemo drugs which will last 2 months total (4 treatments). Just keep praying for her to tolerate all treatments well and that her faith would continue to grow through this process. She loves the Lord and wants to use this adversity to positively impact others.
Melissa: this is another young mom whos husband is friends with my younger brother and SIL. I do not know her personally, but I know that she has started chemo for her breast cancer. We are unsure of their faith so just pray that they would come to the Lord if they do not know Him and of course pray for her healing and family.
Stacy: This is a young mom who I "met" in blogger world. She has just been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. Based on what I have read, she loves the Lord and has put her hope in Him. Just pray for her and her family as they begin the journey through cancer.

OK - if you've stuck with me through this super long post, thanks! I had a lot to share and was actually able to do it all in one sitting since my kids are still sleeping! WOO-HOO!

Going Through A Dry Spell

2010-06-22T07:32:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to be honest here. I finished my Beth Moore study on the fruits of the Holy Spirit a few weeks ago and since then I have been STRUGGLING to know what to do for my quiet times each morning. I have hit a dry spell and I HATE it, but I seriously don't know what to do. I've stopped even bothering to get up at 5 AM because all I do is sit there and half-heartedly do a lesson in another study I have. I just can't seem to get excited or motivated.
This is NOT normal for me. I want to be excited to meet with my Saviour every morning. I want to meet him with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and just have uninterrupted time with Him. I want to be excited again when the alarm goes off.

Pray that this dry spell will go away. That the Lord will just drown me with intense desire like He has before. That I will fix whatever is hindering me from being able to sit at His feet and just take Him all in.

Persistence - Part 2

2010-05-25T20:29:00.002-05:00

OK, so a couple of days late but nonetheless, I am here now and am going to catch you all up on the story of the persistent widow from Luke chapter 18. I'm sure that every single one of you have read this story, know this story, etc...but somehow, I either had really never heard it or read it, or if I did had forgotten all about it. So, the story goes that there was a widow in desperate need for help. She had no husband, no sons, no brothers, no men in her life (or family for that matter) who could help her so she was desperate. REALLY desperate. So, she went to the judge of her city to help her resolve her problem. This judge was not a godly man at all and he certainly did not care about people - at all! However, the widow went to him relentlessly every single day asking for his help. Eventually, he was tired of getting nagged and finally gave in to the widow - basically to shut her up. Want to know the "moral of the story?" It's found in verse 6 - Then the Lord said, "Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don't you think that God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?"
God asks us to pray without ceasing - with persistence. If we do that, often times God allows us to see the fruit of the prayer. He hears us and wants to answer us. He wants us to persistently ask and he wants us to have that desperate faith where we soley rely on Him. We should have prayers that are "impossible" and require a radical faith.
You see many times in my prayers, I always tell God, "I KNOW that you can do this Lord because it says in scripture.... But you see, there is a difference in saying "can" and "will." Theology tells us that God can, but faith tells us that God will!!!
So, I have revamped my certain prayer as far as I am going to be persistent just like that widow but I won't stop there. Nope, I'm gonna keep asking and keep believing that God is going to answer that prayer in the PERFECT time.

Persistence - Part 1

2010-05-22T22:24:00.003-05:00

I just have to share with all of you how amazingly clear God spoke to me this week. I am so in awe of how He works and so incredibly humbled that I get to have a father/daughter relationship with Him. I am growing more in love with Him every day and desperately hope that each of you are doing the same. If not, you really have no idea what you are missing.
So, I guess I will move on with my cool God story now. There is something that I have been specifically praying for over the past year that STILL has not been answered. Now, before you think that maybe the prayer has been answered as a "no", I know without a doubt that my prayer totally aligns with what God himself wants so I KNOW that I am praying God's will. It's just that the timing is not right...yet. And that's where part of my problem lies. But I think that maybe the biggest issue is that I have not been persistent in my prayers. I have become frustrated, irritated, mad, and have even given up hope and as a result I would just stop asking God to answer. Then, I would become encouraged and/or desperate again and would pick back up the prayers. It truly has been that type of cycle for over a year, and can I just say how exhausting that has been?!?
Anyways, this week, I received a phone call from a dear friend whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time. When the phone first rang, I really didn't want to answer it. I had just put the kids down and wanted to just lay down myself and do nothing, say nothing, hear nothing, etc... But, when I looked at caller ID and saw who it was, I knew I had to answer. As the conversation went on, I started sharing with her what I had been praying about and she really encouraged me to keep praying and then advised me to continue drawing nearer and nearer to Him during this time of waiting. It was really a beautiful conversation and a much needed one. You see, she wasn't just giving advice about something she knew nothing about. She too had prayed about the same thing for a long time and it was FINALLY answered about a year ago or so.
So the next morning for my quiet time I had no idea what I was going to do. As a general rule, I line up my stuff the night before so that when the alarm goes off, I KNOW what I am going to be studying and can get right to it. However, I had not done that so to make it easy on myself, I grabbed my iPod to listen to a sermon. I randomly chose Francis Chan and the sermon titled "A Desperate Faith." Now based on the title, I assumed it would be about someone from the Hebrews 11 Hall of Faith, but it SOOOO was not. Get this...it was about being persistent in prayer and he spoke of the persistent widow from the book of Luke. Ummm...WOW!!! That sermon was SOOOO for me. God spoke directly to me through the "random sermon" and my friend 2 days in a row.
So, the challenge now will be to NOT focus on how long I have been asking, or my emotions that come with the waiting, but instead to focus on being persistent with my prayer and KNOW that God is going to answer it.

And, because it's getting so late and I'm already up past my normal bedtime, I'm going to end this post and do an entirely seperate post tomorrow sharing the story of the persistent widow and the incredible lessons that all of us can learn from it. Trust me, you will want to read part 2!!! It may just change your life...at least it may change your prayer life.
Hugs to each of you.

The Most Awesome, Amazing, Fantabulous News EVER!

2010-05-20T22:42:00.002-05:00

I had a mammogram and breast MRI done on Tuesday. This was the first one that I have had since diagnosis 16 months ago. To say I was anxious would be a slight understatement. However, to say that I was trusting and believing God for a great result would totally be true. So why would I be so surprised and excited when I heard the final word today that both tests came back normal?!?!? I feel like I really am cancer free now and I have the MRI to prove it!! Not that God has not already confirmed that to me through this very personal and exact word to me one night..."This sickness will not end in death. Instead, it will be used to show God's glory by glorifying his Son" John 11:4.
Aaaahhh (that's me letting out what feels like the longest breath ever held)! All day long I have just praised and praised and praised His name. I cannot stop thanking Him and I hope he's not getting tired of me doing so through song, worship, and some very bad dancing (hey, there is only room for 1 dancer in the family and Chloe has claimed that spot). I'm just doing what Psalm 100 tells me to..."On your feet now - applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into His presence!" I am telling you that I feel totally freed from cancer...Psalm 103 "He forgives your sins - every one. He heals your diseases - every one.
I could seriously go on and on with this post, but if God is NOT getting tired of hearing all of this, then surely you are by this point. So I will leave you with this wonderful word that God has given to me today...
Psalm 118: 17-20...I didn't die - I lived! And now I'm telling the world what God did. God tested me- He pushed me hard, but he didn't hand me over to death. Swing wide the city gates - the righteous gates! I'll walk right through and thank God. This Temple Gate belongs to God so the victors can enter and praise. Thank you for responding to me; you've truly become my salvation!

He's Done It Again...

2010-05-15T22:17:00.002-05:00

He's done it again...The Lord has yet again provided me with a word of scripture that spoke directly to my coming tests.
Monday and Tuesday are big days for me. I will have my ECHO to check my heart function (my last one was back to normal), an MRI to check for any cancer recurrence, labwork, and oncology appointment to get all of my results. The closer it has gotten, the more nervous I have gotten and the more nervous I have gotten, the more the devil has filled my head with negativity. So, during my quiet time this morning, the Lord spoke this to me...
Psalm 112:7 - They do not fear bad news, they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.

So, anytime a negative thought enters my mind, I immediately start speaking this verse and I start to focus on the fact that the Lord has told me that I am healed and that these tests will all be perfectly fine.

Keep me in your prayers and I will certainly keep you all updated of my test results. Love and hugs to each of you!

Food - You Know You Love It!

2010-05-13T20:43:00.003-05:00

For the past 6 weeks, my family has been doing things a bit different in regards to food. I have adopted a new way of eating for myself, but my family also experiences this with me at dinner times. I think I have already blogged about it so I will just get down to business with the real purpose of this post...RECIPES!!! Quite a few of you have asked for recipes and I have promised them to be coming "soon." So, without furthur ado...
Oh, and a side note...all of these have been made by me and they are YUMMY GOOD!!!

GINGER HONEY CHICKEN:
* olive oil cooking spray
* 2 Tbsp low-sodium soy sauce
* 1 Tbsp lime juice
* 1 Tbsp raw honey
* 2 Tbsp grated ginger (I omitted this because I HATE ginger)
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1/4 tsp hot pepper sauce
* 4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1. Preheat the oven to 350. Spray a baking sheet with a thin layer of cooking spray.
2. In a small bowl, whisk together the next six ingredients.
3. Put chicken into the baking sheet and brush it with the marinade. Bake chicken for about 30 minutes.
4. Serve with brown rice and steamed veggies.

PASTA ROLL-UPS WITH TURKEY AND SPINACH:
* 1 tsp EVOO
* 1 small onion - chopped finely
* 1 clove garlic - minced
* 1 pound ground turkey breast
* 1 28oz can of whole tomatoes in their juice
* 1 tsp of salt
* 8 sheets of dried whole wheat lasagna
* 1 100z box frozen chopped spinach, thawed
* 15oz container of non-fat ricotta cheese
* 1 egg
* 3/4 cup shredded reduced-fat mozzarella cheese

1. In a large skillet, heat EVOO over medium heat. Add onion and cook for about 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook 1 more minute. Turn heat up to med-high and add ground turkey. When meat is no longer pink, add tomatoes and salt. Now turn heat back down to med-low, cover and let simmer for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally and break up tomatoes as you do.
2. While that cooks, boil the lasagna noodles then drain, rinse, and let cool.
3. Preheat oven to 400. Squeeze all moisture from the thawed spinach and place in a big bowl. Add ricotta cheese, egg, and 1/4 cup of mozzarella cheese. Stir until combined.
4. Spread 1 cup of the cooked tomato sauce in the bottom of a casserole dish. Lay a cooked lasagna noodle flat and use your fingers to spread 1/8 of ricotta mixture across it. Next, roll it up and place the seam side down. Repeat with all of the noodles. Spread the remaining tomato sauce over the roll-ups, then top with the rest of the shredded cheese.
5. Bake covered with foil for 20 minutes. Remove the foil and let cook for 5 more minutes or until roll-ups are brown and bubbly.

Seriously, these recipes are so good! I know the second one seems like a lot of work, but it's really not. The thing I like about it too is that while the sauce is simmering and noodles cooking, I was able to clean up the kitchen mess I had made. Then when it was time to eat, there was NO MESS except the baking sheet to clean.

OK - I have one more but it's getting late and I'm tired so it will be in a seperate post probably with a few more. I'm going to start putting pictures that I take while cooking with my recipes too to make things a bit more "interesting."
I would love feedback as to whether I should do a seperate blog for just my recipes, or keep it on this one. Originally this blog was just going to be about my walk through cancer and the continued encouragement that I receive through friends, sermons that I listen to, books that I read, and words that the Lord directly speaks to me. However, food is definitely a part of my cancer experience as I have learned so much about what foods help prevent cancer and other diseases, and how foods affect different systems in our bodies. Hmmm, thinking about it now, I most likely will do a seperate blog and put a link in the sidebar under the link to my family blog. Still, comments/opinions welcome!

Fight Like A Girl!

2010-05-11T06:43:00.000-05:00

Exodus 14:13-14...But Moses told the people, "Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The enemy you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

My sweet friend and forever sister in Christ...Kate!

2 Timothy 4:7...I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness, which the Lord will give me on the day of His return.

Friends

2010-05-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I got the shocking and heartbreaking news that my friend, Roben, has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Very briefly, here is her story. A year ago she found a small lump and had a mammogram done to check it out. The doctor told her it was of no concern and to come back in a year. No ultrasound or biopsy was done at that time. Fast forward to now and the tumor is softball sized and diagnosed as stage 3...due to size and lymph node involvement. She is 35 years old, is married to a very supportive and loving man, has 2 young children, and a strong strong faith. Needless to say though, she is scared as to what this could mean for her family and her. She has started chemo to shrink the tumor first, will have surgery, do more chemo, and then radiation. Tomorrow is her second round of chemo out of 16. She is going to Vanderbilt for her medical care and is doing to same chemos that I did. The only difference in our cancers is that hers is triple negative and mine was HER2 and ER positive. Please pray for her complete healing and pray for her family as they navigate through these murky waters called cancer.

Secondly, my younger brother called the other day to tell me about a colleague of his in the army whose wife, also in her early 30s, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. He didn't have any details but said that she may be calling me. I do not know anything except that her name is Melissa and she too has 2 young children. However, God knows every detail so please lift this sweet girl and her family up to Him.

I will keep you all posted as details come in on both of these girls so we can know specifically how to pray for my new "sisters" through this crappy disease. Love and hugs to each of you!

Bittersweet

2010-04-24T21:26:00.000-05:00

I don't really feel like going into detail seeing as how I am emotionally exhausted, but I wanted to just ask all of my blog readers to keep praying for Tim...Kate's husband.
David and I went down to Franklin to hang out with him last night and truly had a wonderful time. We had dinner out and then hung out at their house for a while. We were priveleged to hear more about Kate and Tim's past adventures, family, etc... It was so enjoyable! The only thing that would have made the night more perfect was if Kate had been with us. I so wish she had been in the back seat with me on the way to the restaurant. I so wish she had been sitting beside Tim while we were eating. I desperately wish I could have hugged her goodbye when we left. However, I know that no matter how desperately I wish for those things, that Tim wishes for them tons more. So...I ask that you continue to pray that his heart will heal sooner rather than later.

Today has been a little rough for me too. Tim told me last night that Kate wanted me to have her pink boxing gloves that a family friend had given to her when she was diagnosed last year. She took them to every single appointment she had and even used them on several occasions. I'm telling you that I fought back tears when he handed them to me and I read the message that they had written on them to me. I have held those things so much since he gave them to me. I have them sitting on my bedside right now and quite honestly every time I see them I can just hear Kate telling me to keep fighting which is what I will do.

When I get my camera working again, I will post a pic of them and another pic of sweet Kate wearing them.

And if I haven't told each of you lately, I love you all and appreciate your prayers for me, my family, and my friends more than you will ever know.