Thursday, June 20, 2013

It's Going To Rain Occasionally

Several weeks ago, I journaled about my forecast with cancer ( The Forecast ).  I didn't know that just 3 short weeks later I would be looking a little more intently at the 25% chance of rain (or recurrence). I was only focused on the 75% chance of sunshine and blue skies. I was fully present in each moment and enjoying the springtime that the threat of rain did not cross my mind. However, I am now consciously trying to remember where I placed the rain gear. I tucked it away just like those negative thoughts.

Two weeks ago, I began having headaches after every CrossFit workout. They always start as a mild throbbing in the back of my head and are periodically behind my left eye. Within a few hours they increase from mild to severe -  enough to cause some nausea.  Occasionally it will also feel like sunglasses are on top of my head even though they are not. This is a weird sensation and I'm sure I get some strange looks when I try to remove those invisible sunglasses.  Nothing makes the headaches feel better, not even Motrin.

I didn't give too much thought about the headaches until I saw the pattern forming of when they happened and how I felt. One afternoon, as David and I were watching TV, I casually mentioned that my head had been hurting all day and that it always did this on my CrossFit days. He was concerned. He strongly urged me to notify my oncologist right away. Instead, I tried to self-diagnose by googling my symptoms. This was really stupid and I know better than to do that. I have sworn off google many times before because it is a terrible idea to diagnose yourself based on the internet. After the scary information found in my research, I emailed my doctor rather quickly. I explained my symptoms in detail and asked her if I could just see my general practitioner. Her response was this, "I want you to have an MRI. It may be nothing but it could be a metastasis to the brain. I want the scan done THIS WEEK."

Now that I have had a few days to process all of this, endure a few more headaches and fully understand the need for the imperative scan, I am able to think more clearly. I texted my friend Nichole regarding this news and her question to me was "what are you going to do about it?" Immediately this is what I wrote her back: "well, I'm going to keep taking Motrin, keep exercising, keep packing for Ethiopia, and keep focused on that. Then I'm going to get my MRI on Saturday and go out to dinner with my family afterwards. And I'd like to say I'm going to quit thinking about it but that's hard to do when you have a headache ;) ". She liked my plan, and I am thinking it's because of how I am choosing to respond to the "rain"...and maybe she even appreciated my bit of humor at the end?

This really is growth for me! I'm growing like the vegetables in my garden. I didn't automatically go into a place of despair or hopelessness. Instead, I have my mind set on continuing the journey in my spring season. I've had a great week with my kids and their friends, and have kept to my normal routine. Do I think about it? Sure! As I said above, it's hard not to when your head is hurting. Am I worried though? No! And it's because I know that occasional rain is not only expected in the spring, but also necessary for life and growth.

1 comment:

  1. Keep singing in the rain. And hey, for now, it's a light drizzle anyway. And let US feel the scanxiety for you while you continue peacefully. Hope the headaches are 'nothing' and are 'solvable.'

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