Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Give Me A Revelation

Who knows who Third Day is? If you know them, then you will know their song and album titled Revelation and then you will totally get the title of this post. I HEART that song!

Today has been a day of revelation for me. It has been such a FREE-ING day! Here's what's gone down in this brain of mine that has left me feeling (and wishing I really were) 10 pounds lighter and breathing (literally now) 10 times easier :)

I have been reminded of several things:
1. God is NOT a God of confusion. He does not want this decision to be hard for me or confusing to process. All of this thinking and worrying and wondering is creating anxiety that is just not necessary.
2. I have decided that I am going to base my decision to continue treatments on what the pulmonologist recommends. He is an expert in the matter. He is highly knowledgeable about this type of thing. His knowledge is not his...it is God's. As a matter of fact, everything we all have is God's. Anyways, given that 2 different doctors that do NOT know each other wanted me to see a pulmonologist and then I was set up with this one in particular leads me to just trust that I am making the right decision to see him and I will trust what his knowledge and experience tell him.
3. If he says that the drug probably is the source of the problem, I will not take any further treatments. And I will NOT look back on the decision.
4. If he says that this was most likely a random event (and it could have been since I had a high WBC count meaning infection) and will most likely not happen again, I will forge on and NOT look back at my decision.
5. If I take another treatment and the same adverse reaction occurs, I will NOT blame myself or wonder if I didn't hear God correctly. I know my heart. I know my God. And I know that I am resting in this revelation that He has given me today so if another reaction occurs, I will not question Him or myself or the doctors.
6. If another reaction occurs, I will be done - for sure.
7. If another reaction does not occur, I will forge on and complete the "mission" taking them one treatment at a time.

So there you have it. My REVELATIONS of the day. Seriously, I feel so light and burden-free now. God's grace is just blanketing me right now and I am coveting it greatly!

I do want to touch on one thing though because I think I need to clarify something. Three years ago when I was just starting the first round of chemotherapy, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord gave me John 11:4 as my scripture to hold onto throughout this season of life. It reads (and I am paraphrasing) that this disease will not end it death but that it was given to bring glory to the Son of God.
Now, I did not take that to mean that I didn't have to do chemotherapy then, and I don't necessarily think it "excuses" me from the rest of chemo this time either. I have questioned God about this - as to whether it meant that I didn't need to start or finish this, but I never got the overwhelming yes - or any yes for that matter. What I do feel like it does though is reminds me that NONE of this is being done in vain and that I am to be encouraged that the fight is worth fighting because it is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN ME!

OK, I'm out now to go play SpiderMan with my almost FOUR year old son! What a miracle this is. He was only 4 months old when I was diagnosed so to see the child turn 4 is a BLESSING. Aaah!


  1. :) you are strong Kelly! Good luck with the pulmonlogist appointment! (((((hugs)))))

  2. You've been doing this longer than me, but because my problem was acute leukemia, I'm further along the recovery road. So, looking back, I'll offer this encouragement:

    I did things exactly the way you describe in this post, and God really came through for me. Back before my transplant (stem cell), I had to decide whether to let the urologist at Vanderbilt try to biopsy my prostate because I have somewhat high PSA levels (around 10 but leaping around during my leukemia treatments). I thought and thought and prayed and talked and decided to go with the urologist's recommendation.

    He said to do the biopsy, it was "low risk." I went home, and I didn't feel good about it. I didn't really trust or like him, and I knew that his assistant didn't agree with him.

    The next day I went back for the biopsy, and I was MISERABLE from leaking spinal fluid from a spinal tap two days earlier. The urologist acted like I was the one who was pushing for the biopsy, and he said it was silly to try to do a biopsy while I was so miserable; I should wait till after the leukemia was handled. Complete turnaround!

    Anyway, I feel like God came through for me in changing the urologist's mind.

    Of course, I may still have a prostate biopsy coming up in my future ... sigh ...

    Okay, sorry, this is your blog, not mine. God will take care of you. You're making the right decisions. We're cheering you on and praying for you!