Monday, July 23, 2012

10 Days Out

Here I sit...10 days since the last treatment, and about 10 from the next one. I am feeling almost 100% better with just a little bit of a lingering cough and only a little bit of shortness of breath.  But NOTHING compared to the past 10 days. Heck, we were even able to take a very unplanned and spontaneous trip to East Tennessee, the Knoxville area, this past weekend. We packed up and left Friday evening and got back yesterday afternoon. It was a wonderful trip! We had such a stress-free and happy weekend. We explored a new city and realized that we LOVE that area. Plus, an added bonus was being in UT VOL territory. I am not kidding when I say that the first night that we were there that even the sky was orange.

Anyways, as I am sure that you can imagine, I have been in thought and prayer and deliberation about what to do next in regards to treatment. I think I have my answer and then 10 minutes later I think the opposite. I just don't have an answer that I am 100% confident in, but I do have confidence in the fact that God will provide it in His perfect timing. It may not be until the day before, or the morning of, but I know that I will have my answer. I guess my prayer too is that once I do have it, that I will rest in it and not look back - whichever way it goes.

Because lists are my go to - I'm listing out the pros and cons of receiving the next one.
I have come this far and there are only 3 left
I am not a quitter
I am willing to fight for my life
I want to see this through to completion
I don't want my doctor to think I am making a dumb decision if I don't go forward
This may have been a fluke reaction
I don't want others to think that I'm making a dumb decision
This drug has been shown to cut recurrence by 50%

I have taken 15 out of 18...that's ALMOST all of them
The issue of quitting could just be out of pride - never a good thing
I am not willing to risk my life for just 3 more treatments
I am afraid that the next one will get worse. Looking back in my journal I see I have been talking about this cough for MONTHS!!! And the past month I saw a progression in how bad it was getting.
People will think I am crazy for getting another one.
I don't rest in the promise of what drugs can do, but what God can do...
Will I regret not finishing treatment if it does come back? I have a husband and 2 small kiddos to consider in this decision also.

I do feel like I will receive a lot of clarity after I see the pulmonologist next week, or at least I am hoping that I will have a clearer idea of whether the reaction was in fact due to the treatment or not.
One thing is sure, just by reading my lists, I need to pray that the Lord will help rid me of trying to please other people. He is the standard...not man. His opinion matters, not man's. I also need to get rid of the thought that if I don't finish then I am a quitter and that that is a negative thing. Sometimes quitting is exactly what we are supposed to do. Sometimes quitting is the successful thing and doing otherwise is prideful.


  1. kelly,
    i know i'm not one with a way with words. things i say come out wrong and maybe abrasive at times. that is not my heart, so i hope you can understand what i am saying and think on it without feeling offense, because i haven't walked in your shoes and i do NOT judge your decision either way.
    you have said time and again that you feel god has healed you. if that is the case and you truly believe it to be, taking a medicine that cuts your chance for repeat by 50% seems without reason. i'm not saying for sure that is the way, but i do know this....god doesn't need to give us an answer for every single decision we make in life. sometimes both things are good or bad, just as your list depicts, and we just need to figure things out and make a choice. in the end, you have to do what feels right for you, not based off of what others will think of you. good luck with whatever you decide! love, laura

    1. Hey friend. Thank you for your support in all things over the past three years! I value you and your friendship more than you probably know.
      I do totally agree that common sense things for the believer do not always have to be answered by God. That is why we do have a spiritual and moral compass. However, I just don't think this is an easy, common sense thing for me and am choosing to bring it to the throne of God and rely on Him for my answer.

  2. Aren't you really young? I'm pretty sure I remember reading that. This post, seemingly so indecisive, is mature, thoughtful, wise ... I could say more, but I can't think of the words.

    I don't have advice for you. You're approaching this like you're 50 or 60 and have been serving the Lord for decades. I guess you learn faster through suffering.

    You're going to make the right decision. You're doing this well. And if you make the wrong decision, God is going to back you up anyway. (I don't make statements like that lightly.)

    I walked a mile with gladness
    She chattered all the way
    But nary a thing learned I
    For all she had to say

    I walked a mile with sorrow
    Nary a word said she
    But, oh, the things I learned from her
    When sorrow walked with me

    1. Yep, I just turned 35 last week. What a huge and humbling comment you left. I feel like I stumble through life just hoping and praying that I do things that will honor God and make wise, Godly decisions. I have a 3 and 5 year old watching their mommy navigate through a trial and I want them to always just know that God loves them and no matter what, HE IS GOOD - always! I know I have made some wrong decisions regarding reconstruction and am just so afraid of making another wrong one...not because of the pain it may cause me, but because I don't want to look back and think "ugh, if I had only...." anyways, thank you for being an encouragement to me. Many many blessings to you and your family!