Monday, June 18, 2012

ONE...Such A Small Number, Such A Huge Difference

So tonight I am lying on the couch, cuddled up under a queen size comfy blanket with my computer and my thoughts. Dangerous, I know. Ha! Earlier today I was thinking about tomorrow and how many treatments I have left. I could have sworn on my own life that I only had 4 left. However, I was wrong. There are 5. FIVE! And while a difference of 1 probably doesn't mean a lot to anyone else, it means the world to me in this moment. It means, in my mind, an extra treatment even though it was there all along and I had just miscounted. It means more time spent in severe pain after the chemo, it means more days of laying around and getting tired by just thinking of all that I should be doing but just don't have the energy for. It means another anniversary where I am sick (I have treatment on my anniversary this year), another birthday where I am sick (treatment a few days before my big 3-5), and just more time where I have to say "no" to my kids and the things that I love because I can't physically do those things.
But when I stop to really think about all of those things that the extra treatment means to me, in the back of my head it also makes me think that I am very very lucky to be having another anniversary with my amazing husband, that I am lucky to be having my 35th birthday because just 3 years ago I didn't know if I would even make it to one more birthday. It means that I am lucky to have been able to watch my kids grow up and that I likely will have a lifetime with them because of these treatments...and more importantly God's grace first and foremost.

So tomorrow is a super long day for me and David. We will start out at 9:45 with my first appointment and will probably not be home until 5:00ish. I will have oodles of labs drawn, meet with my wonderful oncologist, get results of my latest ECHO (which concerns me a little because I know my heart function has gone from the high end of normal to the low end), and then go get the good stuff (phenergan, marinol, decadron and emend to prevent nausea) and then the chemo.

The things I need to remember to talk with my oncologist about tomorrow are:

  1.  I am still wearing my heart monitor to check for abnormalities because of some symptoms I am having, but so far the only things it has come back showing are a sinus tachycardia which means that my heart does speed up at random times (110-130 beats/minute) for no reason but it's not a "dangerous" rhythm, and some PAC's which is where the top part of my heart beats prematurely at times. These things are both okay, just really uncomfortable when they happen. I'm going to see if I can ditch the monitor after treatment tomorrow since what they have found so far has been "normal abnormalities." 
  2. I am quite sure we are going to revisit the fact that I am off of my Tamoxifen (the cancer pill I take for 5 years). I am nervous that she is going to have me start it back since she wasn't super keen on me being off of it for this long. I will do what she suggests, although I would love to be off of it for another few months. While I still have some bone pain after  chemo, it does go away a few days afterwards unlike when I was on the Tamoxifen and had pain EVERY SINGLE DAY in my bones. Not to mention I have been hot flash free for the most part since coming off of it. That is glorious given that I live in Tennessee and it's 95 degrees here right now.
  3. Just need to mention some forgetfulness that I have been having lately. As in I have been driving and have totally forgotten where I am. Like I have no idea what road I am on or anything. It's kind of scary, but has only happened twice so it is probably nothing. But I also am forgetting where I put things,  and I often leave things at home that I need while I am out. My mom thinks it's probably just chemo brain which is a totally true phenomenon and I bet she is right but she suggested I mention anyways.
  4. And for about the past week I have been hacking up thick, gross stuff, have been especially hoarse at night, get into coughing fits and can't stop or sleep, and have also seen streaks of blood in my mucous. Again, probably nothing but worth mentioning anyways. Maybe I need an antibiotic?!? Sinus washes aren't working and allergy meds aren't either.

So tomorrow, if it crosses your mind, say a little prayer for Team Blevins. We appreciate every single prayer that is offered on our behalf and we are eternally grateful and humbled that you take us to the feet of Jesus for His healing and comfort.

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