Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Remembering...Although I Have NEVER Forgotten

It's 4:30 in the morning and yes, I am wide awake and on the computer while EVERYONE else in my family sleeps soundly. Not fair. I know why though. When I went to bed last night...actually only a few hours ago, I went to bed with one person on my mind. Kate Clark. The sweet sweet gal in the picture with me at the top of my blog.
Two years ago today Kate lost the battle with breast cancer. Or maybe I should say she won it since she is healthy, healed and whole now in heaven with Jesus. Maybe I am the loser in this situation since I am still here in this fallen world, still getting treatment, and still dealing with the side effects and emotions that come with cancer and the treatments. She is happy. She is forever healthy. She is be-bopping along and partying it up in her forever home (and yes, I fully believe that heaven is an amazing place where much much fun is to be had).
The question that remains for me is this: does the pain ever stop? does the hurt ever heal? It's been TWO YEARS...which seems like a lifetime when there have been so many experiences that I have wanted and needed to share with her but have not been able to. She was my one friend who TRULY understood EVERYTHING I feel because she was right there in my shoes feeling it too. On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday when I was sitting at her bedside at her home telling her goodbye for the last time. She couldn't see or hear at the end of her life. I wondered how she would know I had come to visit. I remember so vividly taking her hand and rubbing it on my head (she LOVED my post-chemo curly hair) and then moving it down to my engagement ring (she also talked about it all the time). When she felt the ring, tears formed and fell down her cheeks. Right along with her, tears fell down my own. She knew I was there and that was a sweet blessing I feel we both received.
So today, while the pain has already begun to intensify, and the tears are fresh again, I try...again, to reconcile this in my heart. My mind KNOWS that she is so much better off, but again my heart lags behind. Does it ever get easier?

Psalm 34:18
 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Revelation 21:3-4
 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

July 2009 - chemo day for the K's


  1. What a beautiful tribute to our shared friend, Kate. I loved hearing about your moment with her as you said goodbye and there were shared tears.
    I had one, too, when she could still talk a little bit, but couldn't see or hear. I was sitting on her bed talking to her and her mom, and she said (out of the blue) "Is it EmmaRose or AnnaRose"? She KNEW! We were in the last weeks before going to China to bring home our second daughter, AnnaRose. (My middle name is Emma - perhaps the confusion?) Anyway, she couldn't see or hear, was full of evil cancer and numbing pain medication, but she knew I was there! And in true Kate fashion, was asking about our child. :) What an angel. We miss her so.

  2. Sweet Kelly,
    I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful friend. My heart weighs heavy for you as I understand - far too much - about losing a dear friend. In high school, my best friend was diagnosed with a childhood cancer. She lost that battle just before turning sixteen years old. I'm now 37 and I still think about her every day. I have vivid dreams about her and feel her strong spirit with me often. I have very fond memories and the feeling of pain and loss has minimized tenfold.
    When I was diagnosed with my own cancer battle, I couldn't help but think of my beloved friend. I questioned "WHY ME?" and in a small way blamed her for not watching over me, not caring for me. But I learned that she is watching over me, taking care of me along the way of my own journey.
    I'm certain Kate is with you. <3