Sunday, February 19, 2012

Time For Another...

David and I just returned from a week in Orlando. Four of those days were for business and the other 3 were pleasure. And all of them made for one  fun trip. We were able to spend time with lots and friends and see people we haven't seen since the last business seminar last February. Here is a whole post about it if you want details.

Today though, we are back in the swing of things. Kids, craziness of Sunday mornings, 2 church services (one to attend, the other to serve at), lunch, Walmart, and now getting ready for small group then we will come home and the kids will have baths and it will be time to put them to bed. Then tomorrow is Chloe's appointment for extensive allergy testing, a playdate, gymnastics and Night of Worship. And lest I forget the mounds of laundry that accumulated during our trip. And a possible trip to the grocery store along with a crockpot meal for dinner tomorrow night since our night will be NUTS!

And then, as I go into Tuesday, my heart gets heavy. Actually, it already is. It's heavy with dread and almost a feeling of despair as that day is treatment day. I HATE these days. I want so badly to be positive and in a good mood about them. I really do. I want a good attitude like I had the first time around when cancer started, but this is just different. I'm healthy. I'm cancer-free. I'm a three year survivor THIS WEEK!!! Yet I am still in treatment. I'm grateful for the medicine. Without it my recurrence rate would be 50% higher and I wouldn't want that!!! My mind is totally understanding that, but my heart is just having a hard time catching up with my mind. I hate walking into the new Vanderbilt location as nothing is familiar and it doesn't feel like home...like it did when I was in chemo 2 years ago. I feel like a tiny little fish in a big open pond, when at the other location I felt so welcomed, and warm, and I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It was technically larger, yes, but I still felt like I mattered. I had friends there. I miss Linda, my favorite receptionist who assured me during my very first appointment there when I was meeting the doctor, that God had me in his hands and that He was going to take care of me. I miss seeing her face. I miss Carol and Jeff, my lab technicians. They made getting labs drawn fun...and it's hard to do that while you are sticking someone in the chest with a big needle, but they did! I miss Kate...enough said. I miss my old chemo nurses...Jenny, Linda, Debbie, and Chrissy. I loved them, but they didn't come to the new location. Instead, I have nurses who don't know me and don't know my story. They don't just do chemo...they do LOTS of types of infusions for LOTS of different diagnoses. I feel like I'm just another number.

Please pray that my heart will very soon catch up to my mind. I know I am not glorifying God when I whine and complain like this. I know that and yet I can't seem to change. I am asking the Holy Spirit to do a work in me and my heart and show me my purpose in this whole thing like he did last time. To help me to take my eyes off of me and my junk and focus on others. And beyond that I am at a loss as to what to pray.

2 comments:

  1. Kelly,

    I love the look of your blog. I will be praying for you on Tuesday. You're right-no likes the feeling of being just another number when it involves your body and affects your life in so many ways.

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  2. Hi Kelly,
    I finally made it over here from FB to read the details of your situation. I understand that the change in the treatment venue is making it feel like you are out of your comfort zone, but I wonder if that isn't part of the Lord's plan for you. You have been a wonderful witness for the grace and mercy of God in the midst of one of life's worst possible storms. Maybe you have done all that He had for you to in the facility and this is your "promotion" to a new mission field. If you remember in the story of the 10 talents, the Lord increased the responisabilities of the servants who were faithful with what was entrusted to them. I would suspect this is His way of subtly saying to you, "well done, Kelly, now go take charge of this next mission field I've set before you." It's just my thought. I hope it helps. Ken

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