Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Is It November Yet?

This will be a random post of random thoughts going through my mind. Just a warning that it may jump all over the place so buckle up and come along for the ride :)

I am so ready for October to be over! I cannot wait until next week - oh, what am I saying? Am I really wishing my days away? My oldest will be 5 years old in November (or as she likes to say, "mommy, I will be a whole hand on my birthday")!!! Am I really wishing that time to hurry on? YEP, I sure am and it's all because I am sooooo incredibly over PINK this year (month).
I'm not really sure why it has been like this for me this year? I always look forward to our annual Race for the Cure ,and this year....well, not so much. It's coming up on Saturday and we have plans to go down the night before, stay in a hotel and then take it all in on Saturday. We have always enjoyed the walk and doing this together as a family but this year it's just different. Part of me wants to stay home and go to Chloe's soccer game and keep the weekend "normal" for us, but the other part of me wants my children to see a little piece of what God delivered me from and how incredibly blessed we are as a family. I also feel like I need to go and walk to remember Kate. I will feel incredibly guilty if I don't because i put that pressure on myself. If she could see me typing this I know what she would say, "forget the walk crazy girl. I never liked to exercise anyways!" But I still feel like I owe it to her and her family because I still carry some survivor guilt. And I feel like I should do it because I am beyond grateful for the Komen foundation and all of the money they have donated to research and awareness etc... If not for this non-profit, I would possibly not be here.
There was an article written this month in our city magazine, Clarksville Family, about me and how my past year has looked. It was a follow-up from last year which was a follow-up from the year before. Anyways, I liked the phrase the author used when describing me and my journey. She said, "cancer does not define Kelly. It influences her, but does not define her." That is so true and it took me 2 full years to understand that. It took me pulling back from all things breast cancer related to really get myself back on track emotionally. I had to step back because I was allowing cancer to consume me which held me back from being able to move forward.
Maybe this is what I am doing again. Trying to pull back even more. Trying to avoid the hurts that come with going to the walk (seeing people walking "in memory of..."). Is that wrong? Someone once told me that I had a responsibility to tell others my story as it may save their life. Here is what I think about that. My responsibility, as a follower of Christ, is to tell others about Him...not me. In the process, He has given me an amazing story of His power and glory to share. That is more important to me than telling women to do self exams. Now I know that sounds harsh and I really do want women to be pro-active in their health, but more so, I want them to be pro-active in their faith!
OK, I think that's where I should end. My sweet babies are sleeping soundly in my bed beside me as David is still not home yet. I'm going to snuggle with them and try to reconcile some of these feelings about pink and October.

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