Tuesday, June 14, 2011

New Experience

Today marks a first for me. Oh, before I get into my experience though, I guess I should update by saying that my brain MRI came back totally normal and my CT Scan came back showing a new lung nodule, no growths in the others, and a new kidney stone. We still have no idea what the nodules in the lungs are, but that's okay because no growth = no cancer! Thank you Jesus! I think we have been praise dancing around here since we got the news. This is the first time since my initial diagnosis that I can honestly say that my husband was a nervous wreck. It was determined that since there is no cancer spread that my tremors, nausea, etc... were an indication that one of my medications was just building up in my system too much and was causing negative effects. The dose was cut in half and my tremors are almost all gone and the other "symptoms" are totally gone.
Now, on to my experience. Today, after my Bible study, I took the kids to eat at OUR Chick-fil-A. As I was coming back from the bathroom with them, there were 2 sheriff deputies sitting in a booth. The larger one nods at me all the while staring at my chest and then whispers something to his partner who then proceeds to start staring at me and whispers something back. When they saw me watching this whole thing, they both diverted their eyes. While I couldn't hear what they were saying, I KNOW that they were talking about the fact that I have no breasts. And of course now that I am home, I could think of 18000 things I could have said to them (that's probably the Holy Spirit keeping me from losing my religion. ha!) And of course David was at a meeting in Nashville today so I couldn't even go tell him (again, probably the Holy Spirit protecting David from losing his religion with them.) They are not regular customers of ours...as a matter of fact, our 2 managers said they had never seen those 2 deputies in our store before, so I guess it's good that I likely will not see them again.
This is the first time I have witnessed someone talking about my "situation." It ticks me off, makes me sad, and embarasses me. I start questioning if I shouldn't have worn the outfit I chose today, but I actually was looking and feeling pretty cute in it until that happened. I start wondering how many other people actually talk about me and I just don't know it. But then, something else happens. I remember that God has told me I am beautiful (Psalm 45:11), that my identity is in Christ, and that my suffering in this present body is totally worth the Kingdom's cause. And nothing can top that!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Conversations

I was talking to my dad earlier today and we had a pretty good conversation. Well, it was really good to be honest. We were talking about the current situation with not knowing if the cancer was back or not, and I was able to just articulate that I am finally at a place where I can say (and really mean it) that regardless of the results, I know my purpose is to bring glory to God, so however He sees fit is really fine with me. I desperately want to live my life to point to Him. I want people to look at me and not see Kelly, but see Jesus. I know I have such a long way to go, and every single day I fall, but by grace I fall right into His arms. He picks me up, dusts me off, and tells me to go back out into the world and try again.

And another conversation I had Sunday has really weighed on my mind (in a good way). I was talking to our pastor's wife and told her that I just wanted to live long enough to see my children come to Christ so that I could KNOW that I would see them again. Then I told her about how Chloe, my 4 year old, already tells me that she loves and trusts Jesus, and then tells me that she knows and believes Jesus died on the cross and now lives in heaven. She will tell you that Jesus forgives all the bad things we do etc... And while i was telling Christy this, she kind of looked at me like "Chloe is so there." It's the faith of a child. She has professed her beliefs and she will only grow in her knowledge and faith from this point on. I cannot even tell you how happy my heart is when I see how much my little girl loves Jesus. She will sing this song with me all the time by Building 429 and there is one part where she will lift her hands and sing "take this world and give me Jesus..this is not where I belong." She sings it with such conviction too! I need to video her and just put it on here. And another song  part she sings and raises her little hands goes "I am lifting empty hands cause I was made for you..." And Brody, well he is learning and soaking it all in as well. He's got his favorite song about going "one foot, one foot at a time." And he is learning that God made everything. I pray that my children change the world for Jesus. That they will do infinitely more  for the Kingdom than I could ever imagine.

So, those have been some conversation bits that I just wanted to get written out before they became a lost  memory. These have such meaning to me and hopefully they will to someone else too.

Hello...Hello???

Just an update to say that I had my scans done yesterday so now I am just waiting on my phone to ring. I'm going to be busy today so that I don't just sit and stare at it trying to will it to ring. I got lucky yesterday though...only 2 sticks before they got an IV. It's generally a 3-5 stick process so I consider myself pretty lucky. And...I even got a little nap in the MRI scanner! Who does that?!? It is ridiculously loud. Anyways, it was a nice little 25 minute nap.
Now for a funny story about yesterday. My friend Cortni went down to Vanderbilt with me. About 1/2 way there, we remembered that the 13 year cicadas are out and are EVERYWHERE!!! Oh heavens! Those things are crazy large, and crazy loud! Anyways, as I am driving there, a few small swarms come towards the car and hit the windshield...I have never seen bigger dead bug marks ever! GROSS!!! So Cortni and I start planning to just valet park so that the cicadas have no chance of crashing into us or landing on us and just staying there. Seriously, they have no care about humans and will just land right on anyone. OK, so we get there and there is a relatively close parking space so we brace ourselves and take off running across the parking lot so as to not get attacked. We made it in and the valet guy was staring at us like we were nuts. I proudly told him we were just running from the cicadas. Then he knew we were crazy. Anyways, after the scans and on our way back out, we heard someone doing lawn work...weed wacking to be exact. Uhhh, NOPE. It was the dang cicadas. I'm telling you they are everywhere and vicious. So I get my keys out and we take off running back across the parking lot and hop in the car, check each other's backs and head out of there. It was hysterically frightening, and a nice distraction for the day.
I can just picture God laughing at us and what we must have looked like running and eeeeking at everyone of those dang things. Thank you Lord for the great distraction and thank you more for not letting one of those ginormous things hit me or land on me.