Friday, May 20, 2011

Pity-Party Warning

I'm just gonna be real honest here and say that I am in the midst of a major pity party and I am gonna stay here for a little bit and just get some feelings out. After all, this is my journal and if I can't be real here, then for the love of Jesus, where can I be?
I saw my oncologist yesterday for a regular 6 month check-up. I went in knowing all was going to be just fine, but decided to still mention a few things that were "off" for me. Honestly, I didn't think anything of the symptoms and really thought Dr. Mayer wouldn't either. However, as I was explaining them all to her and she was probing for more information, I came out of there worried and feeling like I had already been diagnosed with metastasis. Oooh, I can just cry right now thinking about it. I've been having some nausea for almost 2 weeks. Nothing major, nothing to take medicine for, not a big deal. I've also been having some bad hand shaking on the right side and some extremely mild shaking on the left. I just assumed it was no big deal. I also have sometimes where I feel out of body like. And that one is just hard to describe unless you have ever had it, but again, I didn't think anything of it. Well, turns out that all of those symptoms coupled with some headaches I have been having (which I assumed were just allergies) COULD be a problem.
So, for the next 2 weeks, I have to keep a detailed journal of all symptoms. After that, I will notify Dr. Mayer and we will go from there. If she deems it necessary, I will have a brain MRI in 2 weeks and a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT Scan.
I just feel so alone right now. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like I did 2 years ago when I was waiting on biopsy results. I had a "near" panic attack driving home from the grocery store today because I think deep down I associate coming home to my house with a bunch of bad memories of surgeries/chemo/pain/sadness etc... I feel like no one understands and while I know I need to pray about all of this and "not worry" I get so ticked off when friends say that to me. What I really want to say is "no crap I need to pray about it! What do you think I have been doing for the past 2 years?!? Quit giving me advice on things you know nothing about. Yeah, everyone has problems, but not everyone has the very real possiblity of hearing "you have this many months to live so get your things in order." I'm tired of people comparing apples to oranges. I don't pretend to know what others are going through if I have never been through it myself, so don't pretend to know how I feel. UGH! Know what I do when my friends are having financial, marital, or other problems? I don't say "oh, I know how you feel. Try not to worry about it." Nope, I ask them if I can pray for them if I am with them, and if I'm not physically with them, I will either pray for them on the phone or just send some encouraging notes.
Well, now the tears are really flowing and I feel pretty broken. Luckily, My wonderful husband suggested we come to Nashville and stay this evening with the kids to get away from the house and do something fun. We ate out, went swimming in the hotel pool, and tomorrow we will visit the zoo. I am grateful to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me. He truly is my knight in shining armor and I don't know what my life would look like without him. I better stop whining now and try to go to sleep so we can have a great day at the zoo tomorrow.
Trusting that the Lord will comfort me and lead me to the Rock that is higher than I am because my heart is truly overwhelmed tonight.


  1. oh, dear kelly, i weep for you! i cannot even imagine the heaviness you must feel!! i pray that you will find the comfort, strength and guidance you need! i pray that your hubby and family have the same and that your friends will think before they speak. you are in the midst of the refiner's fire and you are doing amazingly well!! i appreciate your honesty. you MUST be real and deal with your feelings of fear. the important thing is that you always pick yourself back up and focus, and you ALWAYS do that!! i am so very proud of amazing woman in christ!! you are such an example to all of us and i love you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, my friend!

  2. Dear Kelly; I will pray re: these fears. I will pray for hope for you, not man's hope but
    God's hope - that comes from Him alone. Love, Heidi

  3. Kelly, this is so hard. I am crying along with you. May Jesus' healing touch comfort you and fill you with His love. I am new to your blog and found it because of the Casting Crowns title. Prayers abounding, Jan