Thursday, May 26, 2011

Testing Testing 1.2.3

So the symptoms have not stopped or even slowed down at all. As a matter of fact, since I last wrote, my husband has noticed an increase in the hand tremors and insisted I call my oncologist and not wait the 2 weeks. I also, since then, have had a headache so bad that I begged David to take me to Vanderbilt in the middle of the night, but we didn't go because it was the middle of the night and our kids were sound asleep. It took 8 Motrin and 1 Imitrex to finally let up enough to allow me sleep. I have never in my life experienced anything like that. I'm now on medicine in addition to the Prilosec to try to help control the nausea. I guess the one positive of always feeling sick is that I may lose a few pounds.
I've been on all ends of the emotional spectrum. One minute I am fine and standing firm in the Truth and God's promises, and the next minute I am a basketcase from not knowing what, if anything, is going on in my body. My poor husband has really had to deal with my moods on top of his own fears as to what may be going on with me.
I told my mom though that one thing is for sure. If the scans do indicate a spread of cancer, it will be GAME ON! I will fight the beast just as I did before and I will not give up.
So...come Tuesday morning, I will be having a brain MRI, and a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT. Hopefully I will know results by Wednesday afternoon. I will be sure to update. Until then, I am going to take the kids to Huntsville tomorrow to visit my brother who is in the Army and is down there on official business. He has the day off so we are going to go spend the night and spend time with him. I can't wait.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Pity-Party Warning

I'm just gonna be real honest here and say that I am in the midst of a major pity party and I am gonna stay here for a little bit and just get some feelings out. After all, this is my journal and if I can't be real here, then for the love of Jesus, where can I be?
I saw my oncologist yesterday for a regular 6 month check-up. I went in knowing all was going to be just fine, but decided to still mention a few things that were "off" for me. Honestly, I didn't think anything of the symptoms and really thought Dr. Mayer wouldn't either. However, as I was explaining them all to her and she was probing for more information, I came out of there worried and feeling like I had already been diagnosed with metastasis. Oooh, I can just cry right now thinking about it. I've been having some nausea for almost 2 weeks. Nothing major, nothing to take medicine for, not a big deal. I've also been having some bad hand shaking on the right side and some extremely mild shaking on the left. I just assumed it was no big deal. I also have sometimes where I feel out of body like. And that one is just hard to describe unless you have ever had it, but again, I didn't think anything of it. Well, turns out that all of those symptoms coupled with some headaches I have been having (which I assumed were just allergies) COULD be a problem.
So, for the next 2 weeks, I have to keep a detailed journal of all symptoms. After that, I will notify Dr. Mayer and we will go from there. If she deems it necessary, I will have a brain MRI in 2 weeks and a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT Scan.
I just feel so alone right now. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like I did 2 years ago when I was waiting on biopsy results. I had a "near" panic attack driving home from the grocery store today because I think deep down I associate coming home to my house with a bunch of bad memories of surgeries/chemo/pain/sadness etc... I feel like no one understands and while I know I need to pray about all of this and "not worry" I get so ticked off when friends say that to me. What I really want to say is "no crap I need to pray about it! What do you think I have been doing for the past 2 years?!? Quit giving me advice on things you know nothing about. Yeah, everyone has problems, but not everyone has the very real possiblity of hearing "you have this many months to live so get your things in order." I'm tired of people comparing apples to oranges. I don't pretend to know what others are going through if I have never been through it myself, so don't pretend to know how I feel. UGH! Know what I do when my friends are having financial, marital, or other problems? I don't say "oh, I know how you feel. Try not to worry about it." Nope, I ask them if I can pray for them if I am with them, and if I'm not physically with them, I will either pray for them on the phone or just send some encouraging notes.
Well, now the tears are really flowing and I feel pretty broken. Luckily, My wonderful husband suggested we come to Nashville and stay this evening with the kids to get away from the house and do something fun. We ate out, went swimming in the hotel pool, and tomorrow we will visit the zoo. I am grateful to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me. He truly is my knight in shining armor and I don't know what my life would look like without him. I better stop whining now and try to go to sleep so we can have a great day at the zoo tomorrow.
Trusting that the Lord will comfort me and lead me to the Rock that is higher than I am because my heart is truly overwhelmed tonight.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

More Than You Can Imagine

God has been working overtime! Not that He isn't always at work and in every single detail of my life, but seriously, I have seen Him and heard Him more in the past 2 weeks than I have in a long time. Without getting into too much detail here is the story.
There is one person that I have been praying for over the past 14 months. Now, if you have ever prayed for 1 particular person or thing for that long, you know how discouraging it can be to continually pray, beg, expect and then have NOTHING happen. I said on numerous occasions that I was going to just stop praying about this particular situation/person. Of course that didn't last long because I knew without a doubt that what I was praying for was God's will. I was praying specific Scripture for this person so I knew that God wasn't just saying "no." It was just that I was going to have to wait. And what happened while I was waiting? Things got worse before they got better. Things got much worse! At this point, I was really done praying. I was hurt, angry, embarrassed, etc... and I certainly was not going to keep asking God to intervene in this person's life. Again, that lasted about a week and then I was back on it.
Well, 2 weeks ago, the Lord starting answering. At first, it was just in subtle changes.  Little things. Then, I started to see more and more of God's work in this person. And now, today, let's just say that I am more than amazed at how God is answering this prayer of mine.
It's actually crazy how this has happened. You see, a week or so ago I had a dream and all that I remember from it was that I was being video-taped reading Ephesians 3:20. You better believe that as soon as my feet hit the floor the next morning, I was grabbing my Bible to see what Word the Lord gave me as I slept. Get this...it says "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Little did I know when I got this Scripture that the amazing changes I am currently seeing would be happening. I think I am used to just praying and asking for the bare minimum...just an answer. I need to get used to praying for God to answer all things in the most unimaginable and amazing way ever...because HE IS ABLE!

So, to all of my blogger friends out there, pray, ask, and just know that God can blow you away with His answers in ways that even you cannot imagine. Isn't that so exciting?!?