Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Very Vulnerable

Well, I am really going to put myself out there in this post, and it's for no other reason than accountability. I NEED some friends to really remind me of who I am in Christ and make sure I am staying true to who I really am in Him.
Here's the issue...and I will warn you that I am a little nervous about writing this, but along with accountability, journaling is also very therapeutic for me so there are added benefits. I have been struggling really bad for about 3 months with extremely low self-esteem. Like really low! As in I cannot look at myself in the mirror without thinking these words "ugly, fat, gross, scar laden, non-feminine, disgusting" and the list could go on. It's not something that I can easily control. I can't just look in the mirror and say "I am none of those things", because I truly feel that I am. And, it doesn't help the issue that a girl in my small group at church asked me the other night, "so how is it being overweight?" WHAT?!?! Yeah, she really said that and then continued on with a few more statements that were mind-numbingly ridiculous. Now granted, she has legs the size of a toothpick, but when I look at her, I think, "man, I wish I were a size 0 and my collarbones stuck out." Anyone else would probably think that she could stand to gain some pounds. But no, not me. And the problem is that even when I was a size 4 on my wedding day, I STILL thought I was enormous. It's crazy, I know.
So, what am I going to do about this? EVERYTHING that I can. I am working out with a trainer 3 days/week. I am on a very very healthy eating plan. I went to get fitted for prosthetics (against my desire, but following the advice of the counselor I have been seeing since the cancer), called about the ABC (after breast cancer) program at the YMCA,  and am trying to say positive statements about my physical self.  I am also trying to find scripture to help and praying through this. I just need a break-through. I want to make progress. I want to be confident and secure in who I am. I want accountability. So, what I need from you guys is encouragement either through Scripture you feel led to share with me, or just by praying for me.
So, the cat is out of the bag. Don't judge, please. And please don't tell me that I should just be happy to be alive. I AM!!! Believe me I am! Don't tell me "it's just boobs, they are a dime a dozen." Remember, I tried reconstruction and they were not a dime a dozen, or even thousands of dollars for 2. I can't be reconstructed and that's hard to deal with sometimes. I say this because I have been told these 2 irritating statements on numerous occasions. Oh, and there is the "it's just hair, it's over-rated and it will grow back eventually." Yeah, I really hated that ridiculous way of thinking even though I really didn't mind my bald self.
OK - enough. I must get sleep as 4:45 will come really soon.

4 comments:

  1. Kelly, first of all, you are beautiful! you may not see in yourself, but you RADIATE beauty! you looked gorgeous even bald and you do not look overweight! i am so sorry this person was ever so RUDE! i am not a scriptorian, but i will pray that you can find the beauty in your physical self. i see it, so i hope that you can soon too! thanks for sharing your true feelings, it is always refreshing! you are an awesome person, love you, girl!

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  2. Girl, I love that you are sharing this with us! Although i can't truly say i can relate, because I obviously CANNOT, I think in your shoes I would be exactly where you are, but the difference is I truly doubt that I would have the courage to share it! Thank you for being who you are and letting God use you through it all! I will be praying for your journey! Love seeing your smiling face on Wednesdays! CC

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  3. Dear Kelly. Thank you for sharing this. This is my take. Feelings are feelings - VERY real even if not one bit true. Thoughts are thoughts; Also VERY real even if not true. I struggle with thoughts and feelings all the time. Scripture and prayer are awesome and very helpful BUT I have not found them to be infallible at this stage of my walk. I think it is just fallen world stuff and often say to self, "yes, I feel this way but it will pass" "yes, I think this but it will pass" and then try to let them go to God to be worked on. Sometimes that is easier said than done :) The main thing is to have mercy on yourself, give yourself grace (you cant out-mercy or out-grace God) and he is NOT finger shaking about this. Now if you were REALLY sinning... stop it. But thoughts and feelings cannot be will-powered away. The only will power I have ever found to work is the choices I make about what I say, do, body language. (and even that usually needs God's grace for me to make choices that build up (instead of yelling at the thoughtless girl and her comments)).

    Loving you along your journey as you are loving us along ours. Heidi

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