Wednesday, February 16, 2011

When All Else Fails

Father, I am crying out to you as I sit here wide awake at almost 1:00 AM in a quiet house able to hear my own heart beating. My thoughts have taken over and been flooded with the memories of February and March of last year. I miss her Lord. I miss Kate. I so desperately need to see her, to talk to her, to hear her laugh, to see her spunkiness, to experience life with her. I really miss her.
A whole year later and I thought I would be better. I thought I would really be okay with knowing that she is now healed in heaven and with You all of the time. But I'm not. My heart still hurts at the memory of when I found out her cancer had returned. My heart still aches when I think of seeing her in the hospital and at her house the last two times I saw her. My heart is still heavily burdened for Tim and how he is dealing with things as we approach her 1 year since death.
I don't even know what to do other than just sit and cry. Is that what I am supposed to do? Just sit and mourn her and cry? Is this ever going to get any easier? Will there ever be a January, February or March when I don't think of her and cry but instead I think of her and rejoice that she is with You?
I'm so thankful Father that you allowed me to meet Kate early in our chemo treatments and form that instant bond. I'm so thankful that I had a reason to look forward to going to chemo - so that I could hang with my buddy as we were both poisened and make jokes along the way. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to share You with her and I am so thankful that she no longer has to worry about recurrence, new cancers, body image, or living in this fallen and sinful world.
I am thankful, but I still hurt so bad. Please Father take this pain away. Erase the painful memories with happy ones. Ease my heartache. Let me smile when I think of Kate instead of cry. Let me laugh when I look at the pink boxing gloves she gave me instead of cry when I think of her telling Tim she wanted me to have them and keep fighting. I can just see her now Lord with those gloves on just punching the daylights out of her punching bag. Spunky!
Comfort me Lord. Comfort Tim, her sister, and her parents. Remind us at random times that you are our rock and fortress. When the feelings of despair come, lead us to the Rock that is higher than we are and allow us to rest in the shadows of your wings. Allow me Lord in the moments of stillness to reflect and be grateful for the 11 months I was priveleged to know Kate instead of the 2 months I lived the suffering with her. When the fears come over me as they randomly do remind me that you have not given me a spirit of fear, but that you have enabled me to walk through every single day without fear because of  the promises you have made in your Word.
Thank you Father for the privelege to be able to come to you through your son, Jesus. I pray that every single day I live it to glorify you.