Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Another Eye Opener

Today as I sit here and both children are napping, I have had my quiet time with my Saviour and I prayed afterwards and asked Him to please help me to write this blog. I'm praying that what my heart desperately wants to get across comes through perfectly - as though written by Him.
My lesson today in the study I am doing was called "UNMET EXPECTATIONS." Really. That's what it was called and I just kind of chuckled as I started it. Then, I ended up in tears realizing that all through Scripture our ancestors/legacy experienced unmet expectations too. The disciples expected things of Jesus since He was right there with them and when He didn't deliver (in their eyes,) they got bent out of shape, scared, and desperate. I'm actually referring to the passages about after Christ fed the 5000 (which made the disciples mad because they wanted to send the crowd away) He sent the disciples back to the boat while he climbed a mountain alone knowing the fercocious storm that was coming. The storm started and the disciples started freaking out wondering where Jesus was, why he wasn't there to save them. They actually, according to Mark got mad and their hearts were hardened. We are like them, we look for God but when we can't find him, and the pain sets in and expectations go unmet, doubts begin to surface.
This is where I have been. UNMET EXPECTATIONS. I actually got irritated at a friend who asked me "what if God chooses not to meet your expectations? Have you thought about that?" What I wanted to do was scream at her..."are you kidding me right now?!?!? I haven't come this far, been through this much for 23 months for the finality of things NOT to work out." That thought honestly never crossed my mind.
Then when I was put in the hospital 2 weeks ago, my expectations were yet again taken away from me. I was one step away from finality. ONE STEP AWAY. I've since realized that my heart had slowly, since July when I started reconstruction become hardened by unmet expectations. My pleadings for help, pain relief, and helaing were salted with angry questions. Why was this process so much worse than the 16 chemo treatments and 35 radiations? Why was this process so painful when it was supposed to be the happy part?When the decision was made to remove the tissue expanders and stop reconstruction for at least a few years I did it because I felt like the Lord was telling me to stop. To stop the pain, suffering, and wasting of precious time with my husband and children. That this was not the time for it. I have stopped wondering why all of this and then nothing. I have stopped wondering if I didn't obey God's desires in the first place. I have stopped and put all of that behind me. As Paul says in Scripture, I have put the past behind me and am focusing on the future. None of that matters anymore.
Today, I am Kelly Blevins, 22 month cancer survivor, no current thought of reconstruction, just focused on serving and honoring my Lord, my family, and my church. I am happy...no thrilled at how amazingly well I feel. It feels wonderful to NOT be on medicine for pain and muscle spasms for the first time since July. It feels wonderful to feel like Kelly. It feels wonderful to smile and be grateful for the little things in life. It feels wonderful to know that God has promised to work ALL things together for the good of those who love him.
I am excited to celebrate the birth of Jesus with my 2 and 4 year olds. I am excited to go see my new niece in Seattle in January and then go on a ski excursion with my husband and our friends later that month. I'm looking forward to things in life again and this feels good. God knew exactly what he was doing when he didn't meet my expectations because I can tell all of you that this has ALL worked out for the good of me...and those whom I love most.

Romans 11:33 - Oh how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge. How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and ways.

Oh, and I almost forgot...my labs are 100% normal...so that is one expectation that was met this week!!!!

4 comments:

  1. this post rocks! thanks for sharing your heart. :) love you lots!

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  2. Love your new prespective, it is great to see the new Kelly, which I am sure is the old Kelly but I didn't know you then. I look forward to getting to know the old Kelly. So glad you got great news on your labs. Love you girl, Destiny

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  3. An awesome post Kelly. I am so happy to hear your labs were 100% normal :)
    As I have said many times.....you are an AMAZING lady. Sending lots of love your way.

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  4. Praise God Praise God! I am so happy for you Kelly. Your post almost brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy to read your post, Great news on your labs. Stay strong. Kiss Kiss

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