Sunday, November 7, 2010

Where Have I Gone?

I sit here with tears streaming so hard that I can hardly even type. I have been stretched further this week than I ever wanted to be. I am an emotional basket-case, a physical mess, and I am beginning to really just want to run away and never come back. I want to run away from the mess that my life has become over the past 2 years.
I don't want to be only known as the "young girl who got breast cancer," "the Chick-fil-A owner's wife," "the mom with the drain hanging out of her side for 2 solid weeks now and hasn't been able to shower yet," "the wife who can't keep her cool when her house is a disastrous mess because no one can clean it but me," "the young mom who has had 5 surgeries in 2 years but everyone looks up to," etc... There is NOTHING to look up to. There is nothing to admire. There is nothing that I have done that I am proud of. There is nothing I would choose to do again.
I am angry. I just want to be Kelly. I don't want anything that has been attached to my name over the past few years. When am I going to ever get to be just Kelly again? The answer: NEVER! I can never go back and re-do things. Alcoholics CHOOSE to drink, Addicts CHOOSE to use drugs, People who shake their babies CHOOSE to do so...well, I didn't CHOOSE breast cancer and I did NOTHING to deserve the consequences of it. I am tired of putting on the happy face and telling people that everything is okay, that we are managing just fine, that we don't need anything, that all is well, etc... It's all a lie people. It's all a lie. I need help. I can't lift the lemonade pitcher to pour my kids some juice. I can't get the laundry out of the hamper because it sends me into severe pain from the surgery. I can't reach up into the cabinet to grab a plate because of the pain that goes shooting through my arm and chest. I can't sleep in my own bed because of the way I need to prop to just get comfortable. I can't pick up my house without paying for it later. I can't stand in the kitchen and cook a nice meal because by the time I've done that and cleaned up the mess, I am hurting and extremely exhausted. Little things exhaust me. Having lost so much blood does nothing for my energy level and it just sucks.
What I wouldn't give to be able to just go on walks with my kids, sit on the floor and play with them, fix meals for my family, take the kids to do fun activities, pick them up and hold them tight, hug my husband without flinching in fear that he is going to touch my incision, sleep in my own bed, take a shower, and just live a normal life.

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for too, but for today, I just want to get my feelings out and heard and be honest and authentic. I am closing the comment section of this particular post because I don't want any negative feedback. I just want to vent and I want people to let me do so without trying to fix the problems I have. God gave me these feelings and it's fine by Him for me to express them and have them so today, I am choosing to do that. Pray for me, my family, my pain, my energy level.