Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The "what" doesn't matter when you know the "WHO!"

So let's just be honest here. This may be a longer post so kick off your shoes, sit back, get comfortable and relax and I share my feelings and what I have learned along the way over the past 6 weeks. We just completed a sermon series on Job and each small group did a six week study on the book of Job that was put together by one of our pastors. As first, I was thrilled for this series. Super excited. Came first week, Bible in hand, sitting in the 4th row as usual and worshipping during the music because I knew that this series was for me. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd that is where the excitement stopped. Ended. Gone. Dead. Instead, I left feeling anger, fury, discontent, unsettled, etc... I even emailed the pastor twice during the six week series asking him WHY was this series so hard for me to hear. That I couldn't even go to church one week because I was sick of it. I told him I felt like I was living Job for the past 2 years and certainly didn't need to hear about it. I was living proof. Modern day Job. I just couldn't sit through another Sunday of it.
In the beginning of my diagnosis, just like in the beggining when Job lost everything, he chose to praise the Lord above. So did I...hence the name of my blog. But as time passed as it did for Job and myself, we both began to question everything, and we both had some friends that said some pretty harsh things to us along the way. I actually called one of my friends (not to her face) Eliphaz...Job's friend! I mean how dare she say something to me like she said and have no clue the shoes I have walked in for 2 years. Geesh! I think it was meant out of love, but I am not so sure it wasn't more of an arrogance thing. Then I've had a friend take some of my pain pills when I wasn't looking. Yeah, great friendship there. You see, I relate a lot to Job and I know each of us do to some degree, but I'm really feeling him right now.
Well, this past Sunday, things changed. God finally spoke to Job. God finally spoke to Kelly. God finally said some pretty eye-opening things to the both of us.
Job 38: 1-7 : Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind. Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man because I have some questions for you and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you know so much? Who determined it's dimensions and stretched out it's surverying line? What supports its foundations and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Job 38: 1:19-22: Where does light come from and where does darkness go? Can you take each to its home? Do you know how to get there? But of course you know all this. For you were born before all this was created and you are so very experienced. Have you visited the storehouses of snow or seen the storehouses of hail?
Job 38: 1:31-33: Can you direct the movement of the stars-binding Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion? Can you diret the sequence of the seasons or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens? Do you know the lasws of the universe and can you use them to regulate the earth?

The Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do anything and no one can stop you....I take back everything I said and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.
HUMBLED and HUMILIATED...that's how I felt last Sunday in church. I felt like Job did when God started asking him all of the questions and turned the tables. I have spent much of my time since July asking why...why is this reconstuction worse than anything by far? Worse than chemo, worse than radiation, worse than my 3 prior surgeries. Why all of the severe pain now. This was supposed to be the happy joyous part of breast cancer. But you know what? I've grown. I have grown to really know deep in my heart that if all God ever replies to me is "Trust Me" then I will trust Him. For He is who He says He is all throughout Job. The what doesn't matter...the breast cancer, pain, emotional turmoil, physical scars, worn down body...none of it matters since I KNOW THE WHO...The Great Physician