Wednesday, November 3, 2010

In A Funk...Satan's A Punk.

In a total and complete funk and it's all Satan's fault...and mine too for allowing him access to my emotions. Today was a hard day. Let me back up to yesterday though so I can give a little back-story. Yesterday my sweet babies came home from their gramom's house after being there for 9 days. I was so excited to have them back and could not wait for David to pull into the driveway with them. I wasn't totally niave about the care I was going to have to give them, but I was feeling stronger yesterday than I had in a week. When they got home, my spirits immediately lifted and I could not get enough of them. They hugged, kissed, played, and hung out with us all afternoon and evening. Chloe fell asleep with me on the couch and it was just precious.

Then today happened. All was well. As a matter of fact, all was perfect until we all loaded up to go to St Thomas Hospital for my incision check and drain pull. On the way there fear, anxiety, and terror gripped my soul. We popped in some praise music but it just wasn't helping. I tried quoting in my mind that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear. Didn't work well. The fear and anxiety was coming from the fact that last Monday night was the last time that we had driven to St Thomas since my emergency surgery. It was the time that I honestly thought I was going to die. I was so in and out of consciousness on the way back to the hospital due to the blood loss that I really thought it was the end for me. Well, all of those emotions came at me like a ton of bricks today and I stiffened up and didn't relax for several hours after we had gotten back home.

David knew something was wrong as soon as he looked over and saw me crying silent tears. He asked and I went ahead and told him what I was thinking about. He told me that the ride for him was symbolic not of fear and anxiety, but of a time when he was able to pray aloud for me and praise God through the storm. I thought about that for a minute and then just  thanked the Lord in my soul that David has grown in Christ over the past several months like nobody's business. Everyday I can see he is allowing the Lord to take over more and more control of his life and it's a beautiful thing to watch. Man, do I love that man of mine!!!

However, I am in such a place now that I can't feel God. I can't hear Him. I can't find Him. I can't see Him in anything. I feel like Job. Lord, where are you? I have been so faithful during the past 2 years of my breast cancer walk that for me to feel this during the reconstruction process is mind-boggling. Luckily, for a few minutes tonight, I was able to see and hear God speak through my friend Destiny. She happened to be at another friend's house when I called there and I was able to speak to her. She spoke truth after truth to me about God, where He is, and who the real perpetrator is right now. Satan knows he can't have me. He knows I will not ever be anything but God's child and I will never deny my faith and love for Jesus Christ. HOWEVER, he knows that if he can stop me by placing fear, anxiety, doubt, fear, anger, and depression in my life, then he can stop me from doing the work that God has set out for me to do. The work that God has specifically told me includes furthering His kingdom. Well, I cannot and will not allow Satan to do that. He will not compromise my job. He will not compromise my joy. He will not take hold of me in any way, shape or form. I am drawing the line in the sand and He WILL stand behind me and leave me alone. Enough of Satan...MORE OF CHRIST!

The next time something goes wrong...even just something as simple as a kid losing a shoe and us needing to leave the house right then, I will choose to ask Satan "is that all you've got?" and go on with my business because he will not be allowed to steal my joy anymore and ruin my days over little unimportant things. Every single one of you have the right to hold me accountable to that too. Satan has taken up waaaaay too much of my time and it infuriates me. So call me out on it, keep me accountable, and make sure that I am not like Peter walking on the water. Make sure I do not take my eyes off of Christ.

And just to update you all on my appointment. I did not get my drain out...it's still putting out waaaaay to much so it will be with me for another week. I go back next Wednesday to hopefully have it pulled. My incisions look fine. Actually, you can already barely see the one on my back. It's perfect. I'm having lots of back pain from just doing even the littlest of things for the kids and am having slight muscle spasms even though I really shouldn't be. All in all, I think things could be a lot worse so I'm just trying to rest and relax my back as much as possible and listen to my body when it screams at me to sit down and relax. Kids go to Moms Day Out tomorrow from 9-2 so I will have a good break there and then I will be on my on all day Friday with them. Maybe tomorrow's rest will be sufficient to get me through Friday. And if it's not, I'm not going to worry as God's grace will be sufficient and His strength will get me through.

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