Friday, October 15, 2010

Done Settling for This Life

I want more! I desire more. And I know I will get it because Jesus says (in John 10:10) that he didn't come to just bring life...but that He came to give ABUNDANT life. So, I'm taking that promise and I'm claiming my abundance because quite frankly, I've been living a life with quite a shortage in the department of abundance. I've been willing to settle for  "just okay" in my life lately and it's not working for me anymore. I feel like I'm back in the wilderness just wandering around aimlessly with fears, and worry, anxiety, and questions, negativity, and sadness. These were things that I haven't really struggled with since the beginning of my journey through breast cancer, but suddenly they are back. I worry about my upcoming surgery to try once again to build a boob on my radiated side. Attempt 1 was a failure, so if attempt 2 doesn't work, I face the possibility of living a life without boobs. Now, for those of you who are reading this thinking "well at least she's alive" I totally agree, but it's still hard to know that you've had 2 body parts removed with the expectations of having them put back on and it not work. It's still hard to think that I may never be able to wear the V-neck top or normal bathing suit when I take my babies to the pool. It's still hard to think about the fact that cancer creeped its way into my body and left me abnormal forever. Am I vain? NO! I have wondered this and questioned myself time and time again in regards to this, but I can assure you as can my friends and family who know me well, that I am one of the least vain people you will ever know. And on top of facing that I may never have a new set of girls comes the fact that I will also never be able to have more children. I don't think I have mentioned that much on here and that's been because of more backlash/opinions I am afraid of getting. I do have 2 amazingly beautiful children...YES! I am blessed beyond measure in that department. However, I missed almost the entire 1st year of Brody's life due to being so sick. It's so hard to know you have an infant that you just want to rock, cuddle, pour into, and love on, but can't because you are weak, tired, and have no strength to even do that...much less the strength to get on the floor and play all day long. I long to be able to hold another baby of my own. I am grieving the fact that there will never be another pregnancy test to take and get excited over. It saddens me to think of never having another baby in our home. I feel like I am just being stripped of all of the things that make me a woman and I HATE it. 

BUT...and this is a big BUT...I know that there is more than what this crappy life has to offer. I know that Jesus has invited us to experience being FREE, and taking God up on His offer of abundant life is how I plan to become free. I love this quote from Priscilla Shirer's book "One In A Million"...Satan is bent on burdening us hour after hour, making us seriously doubt that there is any deliverance available to us, then sapping us so completely of strength until we won't feel like calling out for help even if it does exist." And this my friends is where I have been this past week...

So, how am I going to accept this Promised Land/Abundant Life? How am I really going to be able to claim it this time and not be the Israelites who kept wandering around the desert complaining that Egypt was better? Well, I'm still reading the book, studying God's Word, and praying that He would show me what I need to do, or get rid of, or let go of so that I can live the John 10:10 way.

If you have any words of encouragement, or can speak from personal experience of losing part of "who you are" then please feel free to comment. If you read this and can't offer either one of those things, then just pray for me and love me where I am at in this season of life.

2 comments:

  1. The only thing I've experienced remotely similar is living with infertility. Having all the right parts but yet never being able to conceive, having a personal relationship with the Creator, yet not being able to see a new life come from my body; this was definitely a time when I felt that Satan was trying to steal my joy. I truly had to mourn the loss. I had a hard time with this because I wanted to remain hopeful, but I had to mourn the loss of little babies running around that looked just like me or my husband. I mourned the loss of never seeing two pink lines, and of feeling a baby kick within my own body. But God in His perfect plan still allowed me to be a Mommy. (Not that I don't continually struggle and find myself wondering again and again...ugh) But as to Satan stealing your joy I have seen my own circumstances redeemed in ways that only the Lord could. I'm praying He not only gives you abundant life, but blesses you beyond your wildest dreams!

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  2. Oh Kelly, how do I understand! I feel like my life is stale, I'm stuck, and wanting so badly so much more! Today's devo from Joel Osteen was just on this very thing!! (Don't you love God's timing!!) “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly”
    (John 10:10, ESV) He encouraged me by saying, "Don’t waste another second living in mediocrity or settling for less than God’s best. Receive His blessings by faith today. Receive His hope, joy, strength and favor. Declare that you are living the abundant life today and every day!" So, I guess you and I have to practice this: Call those things that be not as though they were! Sending love and encouragement your way!! Nichole

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