Monday, January 25, 2010

Obey and Surrender

Let me just start out by talking about what My One Word is. A few years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the concept of instead of making resolutions every January to pray and ask God what is one word that he wants me to focus on and commit to. So, last year that word was EMBRACE and this year, it's SURRENDER. My word came to me through doing my Bible Study and here are some things that led me to choose this word.
The Spiritual Man: 1 Corinthians 2:15 says that the spiritual man can discern or examine correctly the things of the Spirit. She lives and thinks in a capacity far beyond that of a "mere man." The spiritual life rests upon a deliberate choice to surrender - it never comes naturally. On the other hand, sin is the natural thing. Surrender must be a daily choice. We are spiritual when we are out of control and the Holy Spirit is in control.

OK, so on to my first test of surrendering. For 8 days now I have felt the Lord telling me to do something, but honestly could not bring myself to do it. I have come up with every excuse in the book to NOT do this (grrr...I hate when the flesh is stronger than the Spirit), but I keep hearing that still small voice telling me what He wants me to do. So, I've decided to obey (finally) and am excited to see the lesson that will be learned in the process.

Some of you may think this is super shallow and easy, but for me, it won't be. I am going to be "fasting" from all television and from my computer except to take care of my breast cancer care group stuff and to watch my Beth Moore bible study video. That means...for 3 days (that's the number I keep feeling like I should do) I will not be able to watch ANY of my favorite reality shows or late night TV shows. Trust me when I say that I may be addicted to The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser, Grey's Anatomy, The Hills, The Real Housewives, etc... and I have been feeling somewhat convicted at watching some of these shows. This also means that I will not be on facebook, email, or the blogs until Friday.

I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me over the next few days and cannot wait to get even closer to Him. I pray that when the urge to turn on the TV comes over me, that I will immediately grab my Bible and delve in instead.

So, pray for me to do this 100% and to embrace the process fully. I'll update later.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Weekend Update

This past weekend, my family and I traveled to Georgia to see my in-laws and go to a wedding. David was the best man so it was a MUST GO TO WEDDING. I love weddings though so I was excited about all of the festivities.
So, on Saturday, as I sat in the church staring at the bride and groom several thoughts came to mind as did a few tears come to my eyes. Here's my good ol' trusty standby...the list!
1. They look so amazingly happy and I so remember that on my wedding day!
2. In sickness and in health...I pray that those vows only ever include the health for them, but if sickness comes their way, then may the Lord bless them to grow stronger as a couple like He did for me and David.
3. I think I love David even more today than I did on our wedding day (impossible to imagine) because we have been through the darkest times and he has not wavered one bit in his devotion to me.

Then came time for the reception. FUN FUN FUN! We had an amazing time mingling, eating, dancing, and laughing late into the evening. However, there was one part of the reception that caught me off guard. It was the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dance. At first, I pictured Chloe out there with David (in like maybe 40 years) and me out there with Brody (in maybe 45 years). I was smiling from ear to ear watching these dances and then it hit me...like a ton of bricks! WHAT IF I DO NOT LIVE TO HAVE THIS DANCE WITH MY SON AT HIS WEDDING OR SEE CHLOE HAVE HER DANCE WITH DAVID?!? Then, I was a mess. Tears welled up and started trickling. I could not get myself together for the entire dance it seemed. I don't know why this thought came to me at such a happy event. But it did and it stayed with me until last night. At that point, I decided to do what a friend suggested. Meditate...not like in a new age way, but the way it says in the Bible. We are to meditate on the things of God (his unfailing love, decrees, wonderful deeds, miracles, etc...). Too often we meditate on our problems. For me, that would be cancer, a child who won't potty train, a child who is sick AGAIN, friends who have cancer, friends and family who are at war, and the list goes on. However, we should change our way of thinking and STOP meditating on the problem and instead meditate on The Word. Focus on the truth that the Bible gives us. Find a verse relevant to our problem and repeat it a dozen times an hour if we have to instead of giving satan the power over our minds and emotions. Do I feel like it's okay to have these pity party sessions and feel the feelings of grief, despair, sadness, anxiety, etc...? YES - hear me loud and clear that I KNOW the Lord has given us these emotions and He knows we will feel them. Do I feel like it's okay to wallow in them forever? NO - He gives us promises in His word that pertains to every aspect of our lives. We just have to search out the scripture, find them, and pray them for our lives.
So, here are the meditations of my heart and the scriptures I WILL be saying aloud every single time I am tempted to focus on the problem...

Cancer: the Lord gave me this scripture a long time ago when I was crying out to Him about dying from breast cancer... JOHN 11:4 - This sickness will not end in death. No it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.
Child Rearing: Taking suggestions for a verse on this
Illness of friends and family: PSALM 121:7-8 - The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.
Friends and family at war: PSALM 92:11 - For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Feeling a Bit Odd

This has been quite an odd week for me. You see, this past Tuesday was the one year mark of the day I found my lump. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. The urging of the Holy Spirit telling me to do the self exam...the first place I touched being the lump...telling David...seeing my doctor a few hours later...

Today marks the one year date of seeing my first surgeon for the first time. I remember him doing an ultrasound in his office and him telling me nothing to make me feel better at all. I wonder now if he knew but wanted confirmation with more tests. I remember being scared to death when he ordered the mammogram...and then the biopsy.

I'm sure that when January 20, 21, and especially 23 come, that I will feel a bit melancholy with some feelings of sadness, relief, and thankfulness mixed in. But for now, I'm just going to allow myself these feelings and let the Lord comfort my heart.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Visited With Kate Today

I was able to see Kate today for a little over an hour today!!! I cannot explain the urgency I felt to see her and God worked it out perfectly for me to get there today. We had a beautiful visit and I can't explain just how precious our time was together. Her hubby and sister said that today was the first time she has talked or smiled as much as she did in a long time. And honestly, it's the most I've laughed and smiled since I found out about her cancer being back. She and I are forever bonded by the crappy diagnosis of cancer but I am grateful that this crappy disease brought us into each other's lives.

Keep praying for a miracle healing to happen. I know that I am praying it and believing it because God CAN do it. No doubt. But the most important thing you can pray is for Kate to know that she knows that she knows that she is going to heaven to be with Jesus when she dies. I'm very unsure of whether she is for sure saved, but I did get a chance to talk to her about it today for a little bit. Please pray that the things I said to her will leave an impression on her heart and in her mind and that if she is not saved, that she will accept Christ sooner rather than later.
I am going to see her again on Thursday if she is still in the hospital, but more than likely it will be next Monday or Tuesday when I see her again at her home. Her husband told me that they have called in Hospice so that she can be home and they are hoping to go home tomorrow. And her sister told me that they are going to stop chemo.
I'll update more as I know, but until then, pray pray pray for Kate and her whole family. And selfishly, I am asking for prayer for me because my heart is absolutely breaking.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Lord, I Lift My Friend To You...

My heart is so broken as I sit here and try to type this message with tears just streaming down my face. Kate, otherwise known on here as "Chemo Kate" has had a relapse and her cancer is back and terminal. She is a wonderful girl who I met at my third treatment and her second one. We saw each other every week from April through August and then continued our friendship even when chemo was done. She was the one person I looked forward to seeing the most at my appointments because we were the same age and could sit and talk forever.


The cancer is now called a breast cancer with metastasis to the leptomeningeal ?. Basically there were cancer cells that made their way into the inner lining of the spinal cord and brain therefore able to avoid the chemo because it doesn't cross the blood brain barrier. From what I gather, it's pretty advanced already and our doctor has given her a few months. At the present, she is in the hospital right now for some mild seizures, disorientation, unable to hear or speak clearly, etc...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for my friend! I am desperate to see her, hold her hand, pray with her, and let her know how much I value our friendship. I NEED to see her again SOON! I am also trying to respect her family wishes though and wait until the time is right for Kate and them. I do know that Kate did brighten up today when her sister told her that I had been in contact and wanted to see her, so now I just wait until either Thursday when I am scheduled to go down to see her, or hopefully I can get there earlier.