Saturday, September 19, 2009

Feeling Really Lousy...

I don't know why, but since starting my radiation this past Thursday I have been so emotional. I was expecting this to be no big deal in comparison with all that I have already been through, but I'm not there yet. On Thursday when I went in for my first treatment, the session lasted about an hour. They had to mark me and get all of my measurements just perfect. In the process of doing that, they were calling out numbers, drawing on me with a Sharpie pen, and moving me and the machine all about. Now this is all NORMAL things that HAVE to be done, but I just laid on the table with tears welling up. All I could think about was "is this really my life"? I felt like such an experiment laying there as the slew of numbers were being called out and then my mind went to Chloe and her asking me before I left if radiation was going to make the cancer all better. I think it is so unfair that a 2 year old has the words cancer, chemo, and radiation as part of her vocabulary. We don't hide our conversations from our children because she is smart enough to know something is wrong but maybe that was a wrong decision. We are just doing the best we can with what life has thrown at us.
So anyways, after my session Thursday, I went back Friday with expectations that I would feel better...and I did until that night. For some reason last night I just couldn't stop thinking about the radiation and my fears of what is going to happen to my skin. I was told to expect burning, peeling and oozing because I have no breast on that side so it's directly hitting my chest wall. And the area that is having to be treated is so big! It's from above my collarbone down to about 1/2 way from my belly button, all the way over onto my left flank and up into my armpit. I may even have some issues with swallowing since it is so close to my neck area.
I know I can't let fear consume me. I don't know why I was better able to handle the possible side effects of chemo when I heard them. Maybe it's because I knew what COULD happen already. Or maybe this fear/sadness that I am having has to do with the fact that for a month, I had no treatment, no doctor appointments or anything and started actually feeling normal again and now I am back to being treated every day for 6 weeks. That's probably what it is... I am sure I will get used to this and all will be fine soon. I will take it one day at a time and make sure that I do all of the recommendations to help with the side effects of radiation. That's all I can do and I'll let God handle the rest.


  1. i have no words that are good enough but you are always amazing me and i know you will get through this fear as you have the rest. hang in there and know we are praying for you! hugs!

  2. Dear Kelly (& David),

    I am so sorry radiation is proving such a trial! Yesterday, as we went on a tourist drive with a dear guest, we thought of you as Heidi was forced to nap in the back of the car because of her 'permanent' chemo..

    Just wondering - there was an 'ointment' Heidi was using, in 2004 during radiation, which really helped with at least some of the side effects - are you using a similar, skin creme?

    Prayers and blessings,

  3. Kelly, I was so excited to see your article in this month's Clarksville Family. You remind me so much of my Aunt.
    Last month, I saw you two different times in one week out with your kids at two of my favorite mom hangouts..Target and Chick-fil-A. At that point, I did not know your name, story or situation but I wanted to stop and tell you that you look great and how awesome it is that you are not letting cancer keep you from spending time with your friends and family.
    I know you do not know me and you probably have lots of friends and family support. But I would love to offer to help drive you to radiation or Dr. appointments or anything else you might need. I am a Labor and Delivery nurse at Centennial but I live here in Clarksville. I have been to many chemo appointments at Vandy. I am also friends with Mike and Lindsay Head. I learned today at Chick-fil-A, of all places, of the connection.
    I will also be doing Race for the Cure next weekend in memory of my Aunt, Team Myra's Milers. I will be looking for you there. I am very serious about the offer. I feel like it would be healing for me. My email is Hope you enjoy the beautiful weekend! Amelia Hale

    Oh, you do not need to post this. This was just my way of reaching out.