Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Things Are Not Always Rosy

I sure wish they were though...things always rosy that is. I am feeling quite depleted. Physically, my body is just tired. Mentally, I am spent. Emotionally, I'm done. Sounds like I'm giving up, huh? Well, I'm not, but this is the kind of day that makes me even more excited for the perfect life that heaven has waiting on me.

I'm worried. Really worried about Chloe. I am quite sure that the tantrums that she has been displaying as of late are quite the normal thing for a 2.5 year old, but they are NOT what I bargained for. Of course, who does bargain for them? No one in their right mind. I have read stories, talked with close friends, and even seen with my own eyes other kids her age doing the SAME THINGS, but it doesn't comfort me too much. I just feel like she has gotten a lot more put on her plate than most kids her age. All she knows is mommy goes to the doctor 3 times/week and one time she went and didn't come back for 5 days. She asks me nearly everyday if I am sick and if I am going to the doctor. And she has just recently begun telling me that she does not feel good and needs to go to the doctor too. She'll tell me her heart hurts (she's seen my scar and I wonder if that's what she is talking about), her belly hurts, and her arm hurts. She'll tell me she needs to get a shot and that she needs medicine too. Clearly this is not normal for a 2 year old, BUT this is what she knows at this point. And THAT is what leaves me feeling guilty and feeling like maybe I should love on her a bit more and be gentler with her tantrums. I just don't know what to do. My prayer for her is that I will extend her the same grace that my heavenly father extends to me when I have my adult tantrums.
And then guilt sets in with Brody. Poor kid! He was only 5 months old when I was diagnosed and I feel like he has really gotten the short end of the stick. Don't get me wrong, he's a VERY even tempered, well-adjusted, happy-go-lucky baby and I know that the Lord knew that I would need that type of baby at this time in my life. BUT, I feel like I am cheating him out of that special one on one time that I had with Chloe when she was his age. I haven't been able to sit with him and teach him things that I want to. I haven't really enjoyed his first year with the enthusiasm that I did in Chloe's first year. I'm sad that he is very very likely my last baby and I feel like I am missing out on all the joy that infancy brings with it. I hate thinking about him being my last baby and associating his first year with this crappy disease. I guess though that I should be praising the Lord that both of my children are young enough that they won't remember all of this.

I know I am doing the best that I can with all that I have right now, but I never feel like it's enough. I should be considering each and every day a victory because I am able to get out of bed and be a mommy to them, but instead I look at all of my shortcomings and think "wow, I shouldn't have said that," or "man, I should have just done this."

Thankfully, there is a little thing called GRACE! God's grace is enough to cover it all and get me through this thing called life. He never said it would be easy, He just promised He'd be with me.

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