Monday, May 18, 2009

Do Not Fear...

I am not sure where I should even begin. Since the morning of my first chemo treatment back in March, I have felt God really laying things on my heart...namely FEAR and the stronghold that it has over me. Since I was a young girl, I have always had fears. Unlike healthy fears though, these have at times paralyzed me to the point of not being able to sleep at night and not being able to really function at times because I was so afraid. I remember laying in bed at night as a child (and I confess...even at times now) being scared to death that someone was going to break in and hurt me and/or my family. Now this may not seem like a huge deal, but it has sent me into panic attacks on an occasion or two. Another fear that had taken over my life at times was the fear of something happening to my brother when he was in Iraq. I would sit and dwell on it for long periods of time, and again, not be able to really do anything but sit, cry, and think of the what-ifs. Of course now, my new fear is what this cancer is going to do to my family. I admit, I am scared to death some days. Scared of dying and leaving my children, scared of how this cancer is affecting my family emotionally, scared of what the medicines are or are not doing to my body, scared of getting the genetic testing to see if I have the gene, scared of NOT getting it done, scared of NEVER feeling at ease again, scared of one day finding another lump or getting a call that the cancer is back, etc... I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live in fear anymore.
A week or so ago, I was soaking in a hot bath and just having some much needed quiet time with God when I just felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me about the fears that I have carried with me since childhood, and those I've picked up along the way into adulthood. I cannot really explain the way I felt God speaking to me, but what I can say is that I almost feel as though my cancer is going to be a way for me to finally learn to stop fearing and start trusting. Like really stop being afraid. Then, when I tried to whine to God about it by saying something like "but God, I think this fear is reasonable. This is a big deal...it's my life and it affects the lives of so many others, especially my babies. I think it's a normal thing to fear," He reminded me quiet loudly of something that He had said to me before. Exodus 14:13-14..."Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." The morning that I first read that was the morning of my first chemo. I was scared to death to go and scared that it wasn't going to work. When I read that passage, I knew God was telling me that A) He was going to be with me, B) The Egyptians back then are my cancer today and I will never see it again, and C) and I just need to let God fight this cancer for me and be still in Him.
Now I know that fear is an absolutely normal human emotion, but for me, not letting it take over my life is the challenge. I pray that through this cancer that I will learn to really rest in God's peace and NEVER EVER let fear consume me ever again.

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