Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mini-Meltdown

So this morning I woke up in the midst of a mini-meltdown. I think I am out of it now (thank you mom!!!) but it spoke large volumes to me so I wanted to get it out in writing.
For some reason this morning, I woke up really really sad. I think it just stemmed from the fact that I am NEVER going to be able to go back to the way life was pre-cancer. Part of me does get angry about that because I did live in a bubble of great health, happiness, and a fantastic family. There were never really any major worries or concerns and quite frankly, I liked it. However, now that I have been introduced to cancer, my life has turned upside down. I no longer have the security of health and honestly some days are just not super happy. BUTT...(this is a good butt) what I do have is an intensified faith in my Jesus, a new appreciation for each day, and a new love for the little things in life. I also have a strong desire to just get up and DO something for Christ. To love as He loved, serve as He served or whatever He has in store for me. Psalm 119:37 - Turn my eyes from worthless things and give me life through your word.
So, back to this morning...in the midst of the meltdown, I started to get almost panicky because I KNOW that this cancer was not given to me in vain and that there is a greater purpose for it, but I have no idea what that is or what it even begins to look like. See, a few weeks ago, when I was waiting to have my portacath put in, I was talking to Jesus and I literally heard Him tell me that the purpose of all of this was to furthur His kingdom. It was the coolest thing because I know that those words were from God. That's awesome, yes, but HOW do I do that? What does that mean for me? How can I get started? I was feeling pretty low this morning because the last thing I want to do is NOTHING. I know God has called me to furthur His kingdom and I desperately want to do that but am unsure how. That's when mom called (divine intervention for that phone call at that time!) I was kind of spilling it all out to her and she reminded me that God knows that right now, I need my strength and He doesn't expect me to be doing anything other than taking care of myself and getting better. I can't really do His work if I am not well myself. She reminded me that my job right now is to get well and then God will lead me to what He wants me to do. It may not be revealed to me now, in a few years, or ever on this side of heaven, but there definitly is a greater purpose to this. It's all about trusting.
Whew...I feel better. Melt-down over. All things put into perspective.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 - For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days, when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly you will find me.

1 comment:

  1. you are one amazing lady! thanks for your great example and sharing even the moments that are low. we saw david's mom and chloe at the library today. :)

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