Tuesday, March 31, 2009


So this morning I woke up in the midst of a mini-meltdown. I think I am out of it now (thank you mom!!!) but it spoke large volumes to me so I wanted to get it out in writing.
For some reason this morning, I woke up really really sad. I think it just stemmed from the fact that I am NEVER going to be able to go back to the way life was pre-cancer. Part of me does get angry about that because I did live in a bubble of great health, happiness, and a fantastic family. There were never really any major worries or concerns and quite frankly, I liked it. However, now that I have been introduced to cancer, my life has turned upside down. I no longer have the security of health and honestly some days are just not super happy. BUTT...(this is a good butt) what I do have is an intensified faith in my Jesus, a new appreciation for each day, and a new love for the little things in life. I also have a strong desire to just get up and DO something for Christ. To love as He loved, serve as He served or whatever He has in store for me. Psalm 119:37 - Turn my eyes from worthless things and give me life through your word.
So, back to this morning...in the midst of the meltdown, I started to get almost panicky because I KNOW that this cancer was not given to me in vain and that there is a greater purpose for it, but I have no idea what that is or what it even begins to look like. See, a few weeks ago, when I was waiting to have my portacath put in, I was talking to Jesus and I literally heard Him tell me that the purpose of all of this was to furthur His kingdom. It was the coolest thing because I know that those words were from God. That's awesome, yes, but HOW do I do that? What does that mean for me? How can I get started? I was feeling pretty low this morning because the last thing I want to do is NOTHING. I know God has called me to furthur His kingdom and I desperately want to do that but am unsure how. That's when mom called (divine intervention for that phone call at that time!) I was kind of spilling it all out to her and she reminded me that God knows that right now, I need my strength and He doesn't expect me to be doing anything other than taking care of myself and getting better. I can't really do His work if I am not well myself. She reminded me that my job right now is to get well and then God will lead me to what He wants me to do. It may not be revealed to me now, in a few years, or ever on this side of heaven, but there definitly is a greater purpose to this. It's all about trusting.
Whew...I feel better. Melt-down over. All things put into perspective.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 - For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days, when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly you will find me.

Friday, March 27, 2009

My First Chemo

Just got home from my first chemo treatment and I have to say that it wasn't nearly as nerve-wrecking as I thought. I actually sat and read my book, chatted with David and the nurses, replied to emails etc... during the entire time. I am now just a little light-headed from the Cytoxan and my pee is already orange from the Adriamycin but other than that, I'm good. Oh and I am really really tired, but that's probably from getting up at 4:30 this morning so I believe I will go nap for a bit, but I have a short story from my day to share first.

I have now encountered the type of person that I don't want or need to be around. It happened during the heart scan. The lady that was doing my scan was really really awkward. She kept asking me questions about the cancer, my kids, who's supporting me, etc... but the way she asked them were just so depressing! She acted like I was dying right there on her table. Literally she had me so darned upset that I started to tear up and get emotional. However I pulled it all together (for her) and just told her matter of factly that I am going to be fine and I have no doubts about it. Then she couldn't just let it go. She went on to tell me that she guessed being positive was 1/2 the battle. Just imagine Eeyore talking and that's who she sounded like.

Anyways, I know that I had a lot of people interceeding with prayer for us today and I really felt them. I had overwhelming peace and comfort so thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Plan

Yesterday was a great day. I had my appointment with Dr. Mayer to discuss the first 2 chemo drugs that I will be getting. We are taking it in small steps as to not overwhelm me with too much information at once. After I am done with the first 2 chemo drugs, we will talk about the 3rd and 4th one I will be taking.
So, the first 2 are Adriamycin and Cytoxan (A/C). These are given back to back and the total infusion time is about 3-4 hours. I will have 4 rounds of this combo with a 2 week break in between each round. I start tomorrrow and will be done with the first combo on May 7. The day after each infusion I will go back for a shot that will hopefully increase my blood count - or I may be able to give the shot to myself at home if our co-pay isn't too much. Apparently the shot is $3000 so we are waiting to see what our co-pay would be if we got the medicine ourselves. If it's too much, we can just drive back to Vandy and get it for free.
Anyways, the A/C combo is the real one. They cause hair loss and fatigue in all patients. However, the other side effects are hit and miss as everyone is different. Those include: mucositis (irritation/ulcerations of the mouth and throat), nausea, GI junk, low blood counts, dehydration and temporary or permanent menopause. Dr Mayer does think that I will come out of menopause though after all is said and done since I am so young. I am going into this with a seriously positive attitude that I will have hair loss and fatigue...no doubt, but the others that are hit and miss, well, they will miss me. I am not going to look for them or even think about them unless I experience them because I am a firm believer that 1/2 of the battle is optimism. Now the doc did say that fatigue is going to get worse with each treatment but that I can help that by listening to my body and resting when I need to. She understands that having a 2 year old and a 7 month old is going to be hard, but I know the Lord will provide the rest that I will need. I'm just going to have to get rid of the super-mom cape and take help when it's offered.

One thing I am concerned about that may seem really trivial is how Chloe is going to react to a bald mommy. I truly don't think it's going to bother ME as I have already decided to have fun with hats, scarves, and the adorable wig that I got (it's the haircut I have always wanted but was unable to have due to my fine hair). I do worry about her being scared though. I plan on letting her play with the hats and even put on the "dress-up hair" but other than that, I don't really know how to explain it to her. Maybe 2 years olds, unlike a lot of adults, don't need explanations about it other than to say "mommy got a new haircut." I'm just hoping that she won't want the same haircut! How funny would that be?!? Then we could be known as the Bald Blevins Family. Well, actually Brody has hair, it's just so blonde that you can't really see it that well.

Anyways, please pray me through tomorrow and the next week or so as my body decides how it's going to react to the drugs. I'm trusting God to take care of me and my family and know that he will do so.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

In Tears...

So I am sitting here in tears this morning but they are tears of joy. God has still yet surprised me with the news that chemo will start on Friday!!! Yes, in just 2 days...and yes, just 1 day later than originally planned. He has worked it out so that my heart scan can be done the morning of chemo so that we can get things going. I am amazed that throughout this whole long 2 weeks of waiting, wondering, crying out to God, and getting frustrated yet learning a deeper trust has resulted in just a 1 day delay. I can literally see God putting His hands behind His head and crossing His feet just smiling down at me and saying "Kelly, just keep giving it all to me and I will work this out in ways you cannot imagine. Don't forget that My ways are higher than your ways."

The Answer Is In...

Aaaah, God is amazing. The oncology nurse called me this morning telling me that the test actually did come back yesterday evening after they had closed for the day. And...it is POSITIVE!!!! That is fantastic, make my day, awesome, amazing news!!! Based on what my oncologist told me last time, if this test was positive that would mean a 90% chance that this ol' cancer would NOT come back. I mean, literally, I am on top of the world thanking and praising my Jesus!!! He saw to it that the test did come back, but didn't stop there...he answered the prayer that it would be positive. Truly yesterday I didn't care what the result was, I just wanted it back. But man, this is great!!!
So I will go to Vanderbilt as planned today and will have labwork done and will have my long appointment with Dr. Mayer. We will go over all the medicines and plans etc... Oh my, how excited am I?!? SUPER EXCITED! Never in my life would I have ever thought that I would be excited to start chemotherapy, but to me this is the beginning of the end to cancer.

Thank you Lord Jesus for once again going above and beyond my expectations and answering my prayers to the fullest. I am really thankful that I was made to wait as I learned more about trusting you and your timing...and how your timing does not need my calendar. I was able to enjoy my family time last night and went to bed feeling peace. I couldn't believe it when Samantha called this morning even though I was going to be coming this afternoon anyways. Thank you for allowing that to happen so I didn't wait around all day wondering what was going to happen. Again, that just exceeded anything that I ever expected. I don't know why it surprised me as You are who You say You are and I know that You can do anything but it sure was a nice surprise. Thank you!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Just Venting...

Warning: Do not read if you do not want to hear any whining.

Now, I am not trying to whine...really I am not. I just need to vent for a paragraph and then I will be better. I mean the point in journaling is to get it all out so I may as well.
The test that I need back to start the wheels in motion is STILL NOT BACK!!! I was told it would be at the latest today before we got it back. However, it didn't happen. I'm so overly disappointed. Just really really bummed. I know that the timing is God's, not mine and I get that and really do respect it. It just doesn't make it any better in this moment. I just want to throw my hands up and scream. However, that won't help so I'm just going to pray through these feelings and keep the hope that the test will be back before my appointment tomorrow afternoon. If not, there is no reason for the appointment and that will be a wasted 4 or so hours.

My Prayer:
Father, I know that there is a really good reason behind this one test not being back yet and I know that You are in control of it so please allow me to feel some comfort. I ask, well beg, that the results will come back before my appointment tomorrow with Dr. Mayer so that we can move forward with treatments. The longer things go without a plan, the more I start to lose hope and I don't want to do that. Satan is really working on my mind now telling me that something is really wrong and that's why the test isn't back. He really knows how to get to me and right now I feel really scared. Please help me to just relax and enjoy this evening with my family. I know that there is a greater purpose behind it so help me not to lose focus and to keep my eyes fixated on You. In Jesus' name - Amen.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Hear You Lord...I Really Do!

So this is just a continuation of the post a few days ago about frustration turning into trust. Since then, the Lord has chosen to reinforce the topic with me not once, but two more times!!! I am quite sure that He knows just how stubborn I can be sometimes. You know, that "but Lord, this is really different" syndrome.
So, the first reinforcement came in the form of an email from my mom. Before she had even read this journal about trusting God to work out the details of my chemo schedule, she sent me a passage to read from the book of Exodus. This is what it said (13:17-18)When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through the Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, "If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt. So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea.
Can you believe that?!? I am just so amazed that God sent that passage to me at that perfect time. And the even cooler thing is that my mom had wanted to share it with me when she was here a few weeks ago. However, she had not brought the Bible she had marked it in so she wasn't exactly sure which verse it was. I think what actually happened was that God knew I would need those words at this particular time so He saved them for now.
So, reinforcement number 2. I am reading a phenomenal book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. He is the senior pastor at Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA. The chapter that I was on that day was titled "You Might Not Finish This Chapter" and is about how at anytime we could die. Like, today, or any moment and yet we get so caught up in the things of this earth. Here are a few quotes from the chapter:
**On the average day we live so caught up in ourselves and don't consider God very much. We forget that our life is truly a vapor.
**When I am consumed by my problems I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important that God's command to always rejoice.
**So, what does this mean for you? You need to get over yourself.
**Maybe life is tough right now and everything feels like a struggle. God has allowed hard things in your life so that you can show the world that your God is great and that knowing Him brings peace and joy, even when life is hard.
**The point of your life is to point to Him.
**Nothing matters except our King...our God!

God has my attention now and when I feel my Type A kicking in too hard, I think about how true it is that my life on earth is SOOOO short compared to eternity and that helps put things into perspective for me. The focus is not on me, but on my God and He is able to work out all of the details of my life just fine without my calendar laid out before Him.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Don't Forget My Love...

I met with a lady from my church today who just finished up her chemo and radiation treatments for breast cancer. What a hoot she was! Loved her!!! Anyways, during our conversation the topic of support people came up - you know, the person/people who will be with me day in and day out, taking me to treatments and walking this journey with me every step of the way. For me, of course that is David. Anyways, we were just chatting about how our support people have as hard of a time as we do with a diagnosis of cancer. Think about it...it's true. When I was diagnosed with cancer, a part of David was diagnosed too because we are one. When we took those vows, we became one and we share in each others sorrows equally. He's just as shaken by this as I am even though it's not "his" health problem per say. Anyways, I have noticed that most people, when talking to him, give the advice to "be strong" and "don't let her think or see that it's bothering you because you have to be there for her." David, and all support people, NEED to be able to vent and share their feelings just as I do. It's vitally important that their emotional needs are met too.

So, all this to say...please please please don't forget about David. Don't forget that he is going through this too, and don't forget to ask him how he is doing. I love him so much and I don't want him to feel as though it's all about me because truly, it's about US. We are in this together for the long haul and I want him to be as taken care of and prayed for as much as I am.

Love you all!!!

Frustration Turning Into Trust

Well, I knew something would go wrong along the way...I just didn't know it would go wrong before it even started. I got a call today from the Oncology nurse at Vanderbilt that the test that we are waiting on was never run by pathology so now it will be another 5-7 days before we have results. For me, that means that everything will be pushed back by a week. Here's the sequence of events that we are waiting on now...
A) Her2/Neu test results come back
B) schedule the heart scan (the type I get depends on the result of my test)
C) meet back with my oncologist for the LONG LONG LONG appt where we will go over all of the chemo drugs, trial drugs, what to expect, etc...
D) bloodwork

I suspect that once we get the test results back that the rest of the sequence will move pretty fast, but it's just the waiting that sucks (sorry, but it does). So, as I started to have a pity party after getting the word from the nurse (who by the way is amazing!)I decided to call a sweet friend for some encouragement. And that's what I got! She helped me to realize that when I get frustrated and mad about things not going as planned (according to my calendar) that I am not 100% trusting God to take care of it and work it all out for me. She also told me that truly, in the grand scheme of things, that 1 week is not that long to wait and that I don't need to sit around moping about it but instead use the time while I feel good to enjoy time with my family. She also reminded me that I just need to trust the Lord to get those results ready when He says it's time, not when I say it's time. Who knows, maybe next week one of my kids may be sick or something else may come up and then what I assume to be human error in regards to that darn test is actually God taking care of me in a round-about way. Or... maybe nothing at all will happen but regardless I know that the Lord is in charge of everything and He is not going to forget about me like I feel like the pathologists did. EVERYTHING happens for a reason and while I only see the frustrating part of this situation, God sees the whole puzzle and it's all going to be just fine. So, here's to putting my trust in God to get all of these things done and in the meantime just sitting back and enjoying my time with my family.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Being Thankful versus Giving Praise

So I was praying yesterday and this morning about this blog and was asking God to lay something on my heart to write about. Then this evening, I was reading an article in Guidepost magazine about the difference in being thankful and praising God. This jumped out at me due to the title of this blog and a statement that I made to God when I was first alerted that there was a problem with my health. I told God that very day that no matter what the outcome would be that I would praise Him for it. I can honestly say that I have tried my best to always thank God for the way He is working in my life even though it wasn't the way I would have preferred, but I can't say now that I have praised Him like I should but instead have thanked Him.
Here's the difference according to the article I read... being thankful is "us-centered" and praise is "God-centered." When things work out the way we want we are thankful. When we praise God, we become aware of God in our lives right now. Praise is the beginning of healing.

So, I think most of my "praise" has actually been thankfulness. I need to change my mindset and start living God-centered: start praising God for the way He has chosen to work in my life by using breast cancer. It may not always be easy or natural, but it wasn't easy for King David either when he was fearing for his life and dying, yet he still praised God in the midst of his storms. Praising God in the hard times is definitely an act of obedience but by doing this, great things will happen and He will restore you physcially and mentally.

Today, I choose to be obedient to God and praise Him for this cancer. He is using it to work wonders in my life and in other people's lives (hopefully). And while I may never understand why he chose cancer, that's okay because I know that Isaiah 55:8-9 says: My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts and my ways are far beyond anything you could ever imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. And I praise the Lord for that!!!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Met My Oncologist

Today was a big day for me. I met with my Oncologist for the first time and I must say that I really liked her a lot. She is probably in her mid-late 30's and has 2 children...one is 3 years old and the other is 18 months old. So...right off we have something in common and I feel like she gets why I am so passionate about living a very long life.
Anyways, she told me lots of information so I'm making it into a list.

1. Being 31 years old and having breast cancer means that I very well may have the BRCA breast cancer gene. If so, I have a much higher chance of getting cancer in the other breast and in the ovaries. It's a no brainer...I'm going to be tested for it and will have another mastectomy and ovarian removal if it is positive.

2. Being 31 does not affect my prognosis at all! Thank you Jesus as I was worried about that.

3. We are still waiting on a few tests to come back as she wanted the Vanderbilt pathologists to look at the slides just to make sure they agree with the other hospital. When these come back she will give me the definitive plan. I'm sure that they will all be the same as this will be the 3rd set of pathologists to review them and so far the first two have found the same thing. The main test that we are waiting on is to see if my lymph nodes test positive for what's called Her2/Neu. If so, that means I have a very aggressive cancer but that there is a medicine that I can take in conjunction with chemo that will decrease my chances of recurrence/metastasis by 50%. All along I have been praying that it would be negative as I don't want the aggressive cancer, but now my prayers have changed and I want the drug that will better my chances of being and staying cancer free. Please pray for positive result. My doc, based on how this has all started and evolved, thinks it will be positive. We are also just verifying that the ER is still positive as that also will decrease my chances for recurrence by another 50%. Lord, please let these tests come back positive and help me to remain confident in Your healing powers.

4. If those tests do come back positive, then that combined with chemotherapy will give me a 90% chance of becoming and remaining cancer free.

5. Chemo will start on March 26th and will last for 5 months and then I will have 6 weeks of radiation which will be 5 days/week. I'm looking to be done with all treatment around the middle to end of October as long as I don't have to push any treatments back due to low blood counts.

6. The next few steps that will occur in the next 2 weeks is another small surgery to put in a mediport which is what they will use to give the chemo through. I will also have a very detailed ECHO of my heart since one of the drugs can cause the heart muscle to weaken (very small chance of this happening), and one more appointment with Dr. Mayer to go over the nitty-gritty of it all - the whole plan of care.

7. I am borderline Stage 2/ Stage 3. I have read that this means it is still considered early stage. Praise Jesus!

I think that is all of the news that we received today. If not, I'll keep adding so that I won't forget again. All in all it was a good appointment and I feel very good about the doctor that I have chosen to walk through this with me.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Just A Little Phrase...

This morning I had a huge realization over one statement that I made. After a really "blah" day yesterday, David asked me how I was doing this morning. Then immediately he quoted one of our favorite people (Dave Ramsey) by asking "better than you deserve?" I answered quite bitterly by saying "no, I deserve better." Almost immediately after I said it, God yelled quite loudly "No, you don't... but by my grace and mercy and because of my Son, you always get better than you really deserve."
Didn't take me long to realize after that that this life of mine, no matter what hardships I endure, is still better than I deserve. If everyone on this earth really got what we deserved, it would be eternity in hell thanks to our sinful natures. Thankfully though, by the blood of Jesus Christ, we don't have to take what we really deserve.
"OK Lord, I hear You loud and clear and from now on, I hope that I will stop and think twice about responding so bitterly."

Friday, March 6, 2009

Getting Rid of My "Butt" (read on to see what I mean)

I am totally stealing this concept from my friend Kelly regarding the "butts" in our lives. (I hope this is okay with you friend!) She made a post recently about how she prays for big things to happen in her and her family's life...butt...does she REALLY want all of those things no matter how God chooses to make them come to fruition. Well, I have been praying about her "butt" and she has been praying about mine. Mine is a tad different, however it's essentially the same thing.

My butt is this "God, I know that you love my children more than I ever could because that's just who you are with your perfect love....butt, please don't take me off of this earth just yet. Please leave me here to raise them even though I know that you would watch over them just the same and even better than me." I have a feeling that the place God wants me to be is where I can honestly say to Him that I am okay with whatever way that he chooses to heal me...whether it's here on earth or in heaven, and that I have no doubts that He will continue to love my children the way He already does - perfectly. WOW!!! That's a huge butt to work on. Don't get me wrong, I really do still believe with all of my heart that God is going to heal me on earth, but I just feel like he wants me to relinquish all of the control of my life to Him. It's SOOOOO hard to do sometimes because I am a control-freak Type A+++ personality (just ask my husband).

So today during my quiet time I was studying in Philippians about Paul's imprisonment and the joy that he had through that time. The title of the study was Triumph during Trouble. Towards the end of the study it gave several other references in the Bible of stories like this. One that struck me the most was the story of Joseph and the troubles that he faced for no good reason and the triumph that he experienced through the trials. Although he was deserted by his family, punished for doing the right thing, imprisoned for a long time, and forgotton by those he had helped, he didn't spend much time asking WHY. Eventually he was reunited with his brothers who were scared to death of what Joseph would do to them and this is what he said about it " You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don't be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children." The experiences in Joseph's life showed him how God can turn evil into good for those who trust Him.

So today, I started really really working on this big ol' "butt" of mine. I need to just wait patiently and trust that God is going to take care of me just like he took care of Joseph....that God is going to take care of my family, just like he took care of Joseph. I need to know that He is going to provide me with the ability to some day soon be able to relinquish this control of my life and let Him do with it as He pleases all the while knowing it's going to be better than I could have ever even imagined.

Now, I pass on the challenge of working out your "butts." It's really hard work so before you commit to the workout plan God has for you, you must be sure it's something you want to do. Until next time, I'll be spending time with my personal trainer (aka...God).

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

O Happy Day!!!!

Seriously, I am wanting to sing that song so loudly now, but the kidlets are in bed and I don't want to wake them so I'll just hum it to myself and rejoice in the day that I have had!
I went back to my surgeon today to have my drains removed. Wow!!! Can I just say how amazing it feels to have those darn things out of my side?!? I feel so much better now and am just thrilled to be able to take a real shower now and not have to sponge bathe. Ahhh, it's the little things, right?
Anyways, on to more good news. I asked my surgeon today if my ER/PR results were back yet. These are tests run on the tumor to see if the cancer is sensitive to high levels of Estrogen or Progesterone hormones. In women my age...31...they are most always negative which is NOT ideal for someone with breast cancer as they have medicines to take by mouth after chemo is done if you are ER positive. She and I were nearly 100% sure mine would be negative but PRAISE THE LORD, my tumor is sensitive to Estrogen!!! Woo-Hoo!!!!!! I mean seriously, I nearly fell off the exam table when she said the word "positive." I just was not expecting that to be my blessing today. She herself was thrilled for me as this is truly a good scenario for me. I told my dad that the only other time I have been this happy about a a positive test is when we were trying to get pregnant with Chloe and Brody. Who knew that a positive medical test could make someone this happy?
Another bit of good news is that I FINALLY have an appointment with my oncologist at Vanderbilt. I am overly excited about seeing this doctor. She is a specialist in breast cancer treatments, is involved in breast cancer research for new drugs, has been published in 20+ books/magazines/journals regarding breast cancer, and has a huge list of accomplishments and awards in her field. Being a nurse myself, this really is huge to me and provides me with so much peace of mind that she really knows what she is doing and is up on the latest medicines/clinical trials/ etc... I just hope that her personality is what I am expecting it to be. I feel sure it will be though because my surgeon refers patients to her a lot and I just don't think my surgeon would do that if this other doc wasn't up to par.
So, next Wednesday at 3:00 my dear hubby and I will be at the appointment getting all of the details of treatments, staging, etc... I pray for peace, comfort, and some good news during this appointment. I'm excited and just a tad nervous to get all of this new information. It's definitely weird to be on the other side of medical care. I have taken care of lots of kids with cancer, but to be a cancer patient now is really different.

Now one last cool thing about today. I spoke with a lady from the town I grew up in in NC who has had breast cancer herself (it's always nice to speak to those who have been through it). I believe that she is going to become one of my mentors and supporters through this process. Anyways, I emailed her the other night asking her if she ever still fears that the cancer will come back (that's me...already worrying about it coming back when I haven't even started treatment yet). She told me that she does think about it from time to time as that is human nature, but then it's like God supplies her with plenty of other things to focus on and she forgets that little fear. Well, after we talked, I just wanted some Bible time. I started reading in Philippians and this is what I read:
Phil. 3:13B - I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.
God just totally told me what to do about worrying about whether this cancer is going to come back eventually...stop thinking about what has been and just look forward to what He has next for me. I can just see the Lord up there now rolling His eyes, (and possibly even chuckling a little as he knows me so well) going "Kelly Kelly Kelly, you haven't even started your treatments yet and you are already thinking about it coming back in years to come. One step at a time sweet child. I only ask you to do today so stop worrying about tomorrow, next week, and 10 years from now and just do today." Seriously, I can see the Lord doing that an saying those words to me. I love it!!! Thank you Jesus for your patience with me!

So, now would anyone like to join me in a chorus of "O HAPPY DAY?" You may just hear me singing it all night long.