Sunday, February 8, 2009

What Goes DOWN, must come UP!

That's what I am telling myself at least. I'm trying to look at my days as such...when my mood is down and out one day, I'm sure that it will come back up as I look to my family, friends, and most importantly God for my encouragement.

Let me start out with what news I got Friday...there is going to be another surgery to take out some lymph nodes now. My pathology report came back showing some areas where the cancer was starting to work its way outside of the cell wall. Originally it wasn't thought to be doing this, but when they took out the entire mass(es) that's what they found. I was also told that chemo could be a possibility now but that couldn't be said for sure as the oncologist will make that decision. And...when we asked to see the radiation oncologist and medical oncologist at Vanderbilt my doctor told me I would be wasting my time and that I could make a self-referral. Kind of ticked me off that he was so flippant about it as doing my best to save my life is NOT a waste of time. Thankfully we have insurance that doesn't require referrals so it's not really a big deal to do it ourselves.

Now, on to why I say what goes down must come up...

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I couldn't eat breakfast for the tears that flowed, I couldn't calm the storm in my heart and soul, and I just couldn't feel that I was really going to become a breast cancer SURVIVOR. This lasted most of the day so it was a HARD HARD day that took me by surprise. So far, I have cried my tears in hiding. I don't want my children to see me sad, I don't want David to see me as anything but strong, and I want(ed) everyone else to think that I am handling things beautifully with no worries. Well, cat's out of the bag. I'M NOT! And guess what...I discovered that that makes me normal (okay, okay, no smart comments here please).
A sweet friend called yesterday and reminded me that Jesus gave us the emotions we have so it's okay to feel them. It's okay for me to be sad, angry, and upset. It's also okay to share those feelings with my support system as they were also given to me by God to show His love, and offer His encouragement. I told her that I had just been feeling so broken since my post-op appt on Friday that I hadn't wanted to seek out the Lord through His word, and had barely any energy to even talk to Him. A few hours later, she texted some scripture to me so I reluctantly went to open my Bible and wouldn't you know it, I started reading and then kept on and on and on. My soul was beginning to fill up and God was right there making it happen. I was even reminded of a verse that was my mantra 2 years ago when I was told that I was going to miscarry Chloe. Are you ready for this?!?!? This couldn't be more perfect for me now also. Psalm 112:8- They do not fear bad news but confidently trust the Lord to care for them. Ummm...Hello!!! Can we say that God just spoke to me. No, like really...he spoke right to ME!! He penned those words many many years ago for such a time as this. I felt like He was saying, "Hey Kelly, settle down, take it one day at a time and don't get so worked up about things that only I can control. Just trust me to deal with it for you and you go enjoy those sweet babies of yours!"

So today I woke up feeling great emotionally. I feel revived and ready to go. I'm ready to go to church and spend time praising my God through song and worship and then listen to what He is going to say to me today. Ears are open, heart is open, and I'm ready to take on my day!