Saturday, February 28, 2009

Hope and Confidence

Well, this is the first time I have been on my computer in a week and I have to say that it's been a little rough. I've had so many things cross my mind and so much Scripture come to light but haven't been able to journal it in any form. The surgery was on my left side and since I'm left-handed, writing is out and until today, typing was out too. Actually, until today I didn't even really feel like writing or typing so I just stuck a bunch of index cards in my bible to mark where things stood out to me. So, here's to catching up on a week full of thoughts, medical information, and of course the devil trying to discourage me through it all.

I see where my dear hubby updated the blog for me as far as how the surgery went. Of course the doctor did find cancer in the lymph nodes so I was really just discouraged. I honestly with all of my heart just knew that Jesus was going to clear out those nodes for me and had 100% confidence in His healing power. So...when I woke up and was coherent enough to understand that the lymph nodes did test positive I was upset. I just didn't understand how my faith could be so strong and the result NOT match up. However, I can say that the thought was pretty fleeting as I just sort of sucked it up and told myself that "it's ok, God has a greater plan and this is just part of it." The following day when I went home, my doctor called after I got home and let me know that she had taken out 18 lymph nodes and 4 were cancerous. So...I was pretty happy about that. That's between 20-25% so at least it's not 50% or more. I mean, if it can't be 0%, at least it's not 100%, right?!?

However, despite my positive thinking, of course that dang ol' devil (and I'm being nice with that term) has been putting thoughts in my head such as this..."if you had THAT much confidence and faith in your God to clear your lymph nodes and He didn't, just what makes you think He's going to heal you? Don't fall prey to having that much faith and being proven wrong once again." And embarrassingly enough, I have wondered that too when he starts in on me. I have wondered, "hmmm, why should I put that much faith, and hope in God to heal me when He didn't this time?" It's almost like I feel nervous to give everything I have into trusting for a complete healing because I don't want to feel hurt or disappointed or look like a fool for trusting so much.

In the midst of those thoughts though, I have come to recognize it as the devil just getting at me and have been able to turn him off with Scripture. For example...
Romans 4:18a - Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping; believing.
Psalm 91:5-6 - Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in the darkness nor the disaster that strikes in midday.
Psalm 6:6-9 - I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief and my eyes are worn out because of my enemies. Go away all you who do evil for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea and the Lord will answer my prayer.
Psalm 57:7 - My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!

I have really felt "my word" from God this week is CONFIDENCE. So, I will do my best to remain confident in His healing powers, in His sovereignty, and in His love. Back off devil and leave me alone. My God is the One who is in charge of me, and my thoughts. We will NOT have you invading them!!! (Sorry for the rant on the devil, but I had to say it!)

Now for some news on just how wonderful my doctor is and the most up-to-date plan that I know now. When Dr. Ballinger came into the recovery room to tell me that a few lymph nodes had tested positive so she did a deep dissection of lymph nodes, apparently I got really emotional and started crying and telling her that I didn't want to die and just wanted to see my babies grow up (I don't remember this at all!) Apparently she was so affected by my emotion that when she came to talk to David in the waiting room to let him know how everything went, she started to tear up when telling him what I had said. He said that it was so overly obvious that she really really cares about me and our family and it hurt her to see me like that. The next day when she came to check on me, she again reassured me that I WOULD see my babies grow up. She told me that she cannot guarantee anything 100% as no one has any guarantee of 100%...not even someone without cancer, but that she was nearly positive that I would be just fine. I love that about her...she gives so much hope, without giving false guarantees.
So, the plan now is that I will go either Monday or Tuesday to have my drains removed. Then sometime the following week I will meet with my oncologist at Vanderbilt to discuss the final plan for chemo. The oncologist that I will be seeing is a female who specializes in breast cancer. YAY!!! As for now, it will probably be (based on what my surgeon thinks) 4-6 months going every other week. There may be some chest wall radiation done also since 4 nodes were affected...the cutoff for needing radiation with a mastectomy is 4 nodes so they may or may NOT do it. That will be a decision for the radiation oncologist to make I guess. And that is all I know for now. I'm ready to get going with this!!! I just know by the end of October I will be able to say that breast cancer was a thing of the past.

2 comments:

  1. Oh sunshine! I have never been so thrilled to see a post in all of my life! I have wanted to know how you were, but didn't know if you were "up" for company. I wanted to see if I could bring you a coffee treat one day this week and we'll have us a hot date at Grandparent Central! I love you friend and I LOVE the way you are telling that devil just where he can and WILL go! Let me know when you are up for talking Jesus for hours!
    K

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  2. Hey girl, just cheking in on you and sending you encourgement but once again I find myself be more encouraged by YOU!!! Through this journey of yours I have found myself needing your words daily to renew my strength and hope that God has a new chapter for you on the other side!! Keep pressing toward the Upward goal. As I read in II Timothy 1:12- That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, becuase I know whom I have believed... from a Beth MOore paraphrase: " I may not completely comprehend everything I'm going through, but this is why I'm not ashamed. I know Him. That's why I wouldn't dare turn back at this point, becuase I know whom I've believed and I'm persuaded that He is able to guard, to keep that which I've entrusted unto Him against that day." I read a book about the Case for the REal Jesus, and one part spoke of Paul and his conversion and how this man that was the Jewish scholar of scholars gave up everything he had lived his life for becuase he saw Jesus Christ resurected and in that day he knew that believing in Jesus he could lose his life, but he demanded that our Jesus was real and saw him face to face and dying for the truth would only bring Him honor. This evidence was one of the truths I found interesting because it continued to solidify that Jesus is real!!! This verse proves Pauls debate. After I read your blog I see Paul in you today, so read this verse and know that Jesus is real in your life and you know HIM and that is why you are not ashamed. love you girl-praying for you-
    Addie

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