Saturday, January 31, 2009

Post-Op Recovery is Hard

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I was able to take off my bandages for the first time today and get in the shower. I was so not prepared for how I would look or feel. Of course when you are told that the surgeon took out something the size of a baseball you expect to have a rather large scar, but I wasn't prepared for the emotional aspect of it all.
The incision is beautiful...of course only a nurse could appreciate the beauty of a great sewing job so I'm sure that sounded demented. However, what was left is not at all what I expected. I feel very deformed and upset which is embarassing as I have never been a vain my whole life. I truly am ashamed at how I feel about my body. I was scared to death to look at myself and quite frankly I am scared to let David look. I wouldn't let him see today even though he had to help me with the bandages. I know that he loves me more than anything on earth, but I can't help but feel like if I am disgusted that he will be too. And of course that's not fair to him as he is not shallow and he has told me many times over the past 3 weeks that he would rather me have nothing left up top than to have me dead. And of course, I say AMEN to that! This is the first step that I had to take in order to save my life and I did it. I know that in the days and weeks to come that I will adjust to everything and will be just fine. I have the faith and confidence in my Lord that he will restore my health and happiness and will probably not only restore it, but give me more of it. So, until then, I will do as Psalm 62:5-8 says...Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I cannot be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge and my rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge.

Some happy moments have occurred over the past few days though. Since I have been home from the hospital, Chloe has been my little snuggle-bug. She has been up in "mama's bed" for most of the day each day watching her "letters" video over and over again. Anyways this is how our conversation has gone everyday when she first sees me in the mornings:
Chloe: mama sick
Me: yep, mama's a little sick.
Chloe: Chloe sick too
Me: Oh no, Chloe's sick too?
Chloe: yeah, Chloe sick. Mama's arm hurts. Chloe's arm hurts too.

And then she lays beside me, gets under my blanket and we snuggle until she gets wild and wants to play or until I really need to rest. I love these moments and the innocence of it all. And little ol'Brody is just all smiles like always. He's just so happy all of the time.

A big huge thank you to everyone for the cards, flowers, meals, emails, and phone calls that we have received over the past few days. Please know that they have all blessed my days and I am very thankful for all of you. The Lord knew what he was doing when he moved my family here and gave us such a wonderful "family away from family."

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Kelly, I'm so glad you're recovering alright. Still praying for you!