Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Fear, Anxiety, Peace, and Love

Those would be all of the emotions that I experienced fully over the past 2 weeks while waiting for a final diagnosis. I had major fear that I would not live to see my babies grow up and actually wondered how fair it was that God would allow me to be a mom just to leave them so young. I had anxiety everytime the phone rang and at every appointment and of course almost every night as everything is always worse at night. But then I always had peace in the midst of it all. Sometimes my peace came directly from within as the Holy Spirit would calm me and other times He led me to other people for that comfort and encouragement. And through it all, I felt love. I felt God loving on me when I just knew I was ready to break. I felt God's arms wrapping tightly around me giving me hugs when I needed to feel Him and know He was still there. I felt God's love when I looked at my babies and Chloe would just come up and hug me for no reason, or when Brody would give me one of his dimpled grins.

No matter what the emotion was at the time, God always supplied me with the perfect scripture to guide me and remind me of Him and His strength. Here are just a few of the verses that have been my source of strength and comfort. Oh, and one really cool thing is that the morning of my biopsy I was praying and asking Jesus to just show me a verse that I could repeat over and over in my head throughout the procedure. Instead of a verse, He gave me a song. Casting Crowns "Praise You in this Storm" but specifically the part that says "and every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hands."

So, when I first found out that my tests had all come back abnormal but I was still waiting for final diagnosis, my first instinct was to call on my friends here in Clarksville for comfort and support, but I felt God telling me that He was going to be my first comfort and support. It was confirmed through Lamentations 3:28-30 (The Message Bible) - When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter into the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble, but take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.

When I had moments of despair and felt the devil attacking my most inner being: Psalm 6:6-9...I'm tired of this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked with tears. Get out of here you devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted and my prayers are answered.

When I felt God reminding me that He is all that I need and that I don't have to do this alone. 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10...I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down, what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty. At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that and then he told me, My grace is enough for you. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Lots of people have also sent me verses as encouragement and forgive me if I don't list all of them, but a few were Jeremiah 30:17, Phillipians 4:19, John 16:33 and the story of Joshua getting ready to cross the Jordan and God telling him that he would be getting ready to experience something that he had never gone through before but that he could do it one step at a time.

I love that my God knows me so well and loves me as only a parent could.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so proud of you and your journaling. Regardless of the outcome of this situation, your family and friends will grow by leaps and bounds by reading how you handled this situation and by "trusting in the lord with all your heart and leaning not to your own understanding. He will direct your paths." Prov. 3:5-6
    Love you, Kris